i want (to) krill (myself) krrrrrrrr

tempted to change my bio to "i liked to draw" since drawing makes me feel lots of guilt and misery haha
my essence has converted from art to guilt

thought it's been a while since I had to vent here in the last few days. i knew my days were counted but i tried to enjoy them at least lol
today feels like my heart's trying to push out of my ribcage

Watched many adults in my life give up on theirs from circumstances, inabilities, despair. Knowing I am more likely to fail due to statistics, how can I dream. Fighting against all odds is only in fiction… right..?
What form can sucess take...

I only knew them during school while they bonded further away. I always will feel like an outsider.
Part of my childhood was robbed due to my parents' fear for my safety. I'd love to unlearn my reclusive & passive habits nowadays but it's exhausting

The world is as big as you want it to be huh…

of my own bc who did I have to share it with?
One betrayal I will hold over a long long time was how I was promised for what felt like eons, a console for getting into a good middle school but never got it bc I "will need to study more" 🥲
I couldn't go to my friends' houses or play games with them.

It was all about staying home and studying back then. All I could do was 𝘸𝘢𝘵𝘤𝘩 streamers play games for me. I could reference my interests all I wanted but they weren't 𝘮𝘺 experiences. Spent a lot of my childhood around the internet, taking in opinions that weren't mine endlessly without making one-

Saw an echo flower from the Undertale stream mentionning how they were inspired by the video game back in elementary school… I wish I had as much agency as that kid back then. It wasn't until high school when I got to buy games on my own instead of using shady sources and played with shame in mind.

i feel like the world ceiling is collapsing on me and it's about to tip over. my mind is racing for the worst

You're quite lonely aren't you

failure

i wanna draw but i cant help being a loser
What is happening is like the opposite of mimicking your character's face, im projecting it into them.
Not that i want to. i feel more sorrow afterwards.

The need to prove yourself to anyone is a weight I cannot bear.

In ranked at least there are the objectives you can play around. But in Turf War, the whole ground is your objective so during the matches, I can get too focused on painting rather than defending. Or when I get successive splats, I feel bad for the opposing team so I instinctively retreat :<

Playing solo turf war really highlights my self-esteem issues 😔
You'd think someone with this many hours in-game would have a better win rate but nope, it's catastrophic, i am catastrophic. I can't help myself but compare to the rutheless players who can dominate for the whole match when I cant...

I'm scared of learning how to drive because if I go into a low episode like right now, who knows if I'm going to drive off a cliff.
Or in general I can get really unfocused at times so what if that happens in high traffic.

The sauce i drew is pretty dog water for now. I'll share a sad kitty who is the cover for the project instead.
I'll need to lvl up my anatomy/gesture game in a way or another

'boutta make a thousand posts so quick instead of journaling like someone with peace of mind :)