john
@mrjohn.bsky.social
Care to buy me a coffee?
buymeacoffee.com/johndarbyd
buymeacoffee.com/johndarbyd
her: any idea why there were so many police helicopters flying over our house last night?
me: *taking a wooden spoon out of the dishwasher* someone must've done something really bad
me: *taking a wooden spoon out of the dishwasher* someone must've done something really bad
October 7, 2025 at 2:21 PM
her: any idea why there were so many police helicopters flying over our house last night?
me: *taking a wooden spoon out of the dishwasher* someone must've done something really bad
me: *taking a wooden spoon out of the dishwasher* someone must've done something really bad
him: let's shake on it
me: ok *spits on hand*
him: why did you spit on my hand?
me: ok *spits on hand*
him: why did you spit on my hand?
October 5, 2025 at 2:31 PM
him: let's shake on it
me: ok *spits on hand*
him: why did you spit on my hand?
me: ok *spits on hand*
him: why did you spit on my hand?
Reposted by john
Remember the good ole days when the worst thing a president did was 9/11
May 2, 2025 at 8:09 PM
Remember the good ole days when the worst thing a president did was 9/11
that's right, your wife left you because you needed 2 trips to bring the groceries in from the car
September 13, 2025 at 6:02 PM
that's right, your wife left you because you needed 2 trips to bring the groceries in from the car
It's important for men to talk about feelings but also to shut the fuck up
September 10, 2025 at 8:51 PM
It's important for men to talk about feelings but also to shut the fuck up
why they give school buses such huge ass?
September 6, 2025 at 8:27 PM
why they give school buses such huge ass?
[screaming at the top of my voice] I'm NOT grumpy
September 5, 2025 at 6:05 PM
[screaming at the top of my voice] I'm NOT grumpy
waiter: would you like to allow the wine to breathe?
albert desalvo: no
albert desalvo: no
August 28, 2025 at 5:20 PM
waiter: would you like to allow the wine to breathe?
albert desalvo: no
albert desalvo: no
me: I crashed into another car
her: was it moving?
me: yes, I was very upset
her: was it moving?
me: yes, I was very upset
August 23, 2025 at 10:11 PM
me: I crashed into another car
her: was it moving?
me: yes, I was very upset
her: was it moving?
me: yes, I was very upset
carefully and agonisingly trying to decide which side to take between the one that is doing genocide and the one that genocide is being done to
July 28, 2025 at 10:10 PM
carefully and agonisingly trying to decide which side to take between the one that is doing genocide and the one that genocide is being done to
in the middle of an important meeting I pass my boss a post-it note. It simply says 'girl cats have wherskers'. He nods
July 24, 2025 at 6:37 PM
in the middle of an important meeting I pass my boss a post-it note. It simply says 'girl cats have wherskers'. He nods
just gonna get a glass of water from the kitchen and drink it on my way back so I can sit back down on the sofa with an empty glass
July 22, 2025 at 8:43 PM
just gonna get a glass of water from the kitchen and drink it on my way back so I can sit back down on the sofa with an empty glass
kraken: *awakes*
kraken: *hits snooze*
kraken: *hits snooze*
July 14, 2025 at 6:56 PM
kraken: *awakes*
kraken: *hits snooze*
kraken: *hits snooze*
just experienced a home invasion and I never want to go through that again. what if I'd been caught?
June 2, 2025 at 7:11 PM
just experienced a home invasion and I never want to go through that again. what if I'd been caught?
buying a dead houseplant to save myself all the trouble
May 27, 2025 at 11:32 AM
buying a dead houseplant to save myself all the trouble
why don't snakes just roll downhill sideways?
May 24, 2025 at 5:19 PM
why don't snakes just roll downhill sideways?
using a hotdog as an intercom to say "janice, cancel my 2 o'clock" and then eating it
May 14, 2025 at 8:48 PM
using a hotdog as an intercom to say "janice, cancel my 2 o'clock" and then eating it
me: I want to have sex with you
her: let's wait til we're married
priest: yes, can we get on with the ceremony please
her: let's wait til we're married
priest: yes, can we get on with the ceremony please
May 10, 2025 at 5:43 PM
me: I want to have sex with you
her: let's wait til we're married
priest: yes, can we get on with the ceremony please
her: let's wait til we're married
priest: yes, can we get on with the ceremony please
[1st day of tuba class]
me: *holding a potato* I've made a mistake
me: *holding a potato* I've made a mistake
May 9, 2025 at 4:05 PM
[1st day of tuba class]
me: *holding a potato* I've made a mistake
me: *holding a potato* I've made a mistake
In the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they never should've taken that away
May 7, 2025 at 3:01 PM
In the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they never should've taken that away
Remember the good ole days when the worst thing a president did was 9/11
May 2, 2025 at 8:09 PM
Remember the good ole days when the worst thing a president did was 9/11
gymnastics is ok but they should also do different types of nastics
April 29, 2025 at 7:11 PM
gymnastics is ok but they should also do different types of nastics
her: I'm worried you're going to ruin our wedding
me: why?
her: you always mess up the most important words
me: do I?
her: exactly
me: why?
her: you always mess up the most important words
me: do I?
her: exactly
April 26, 2025 at 9:45 PM
her: I'm worried you're going to ruin our wedding
me: why?
her: you always mess up the most important words
me: do I?
her: exactly
me: why?
her: you always mess up the most important words
me: do I?
her: exactly
swimming is so embarrassing everyone can see you want to be alive
April 26, 2025 at 4:25 PM
swimming is so embarrassing everyone can see you want to be alive