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Jennifer Parker

@mrsjparker.bsky.social

1.3K followers 140 following 550 posts

Making two tiny humans laugh one fart joke at a time

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Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · Nov 13

My 5yo was bragging to his brother about how he does the highest flips on the trampoline. I’m not sure where he gets his need to be better than other people, but he’s mistaken because I’m the highest flipper.

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Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 2d

Happy hiding under a blanket while your husband watches scary movies season to all who celebrate

Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 3d

7yo: Imagine if a baby knew karate when it was born.

Me: I cannot.

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Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 4d

No one warns you that the hardest part of having boys is accepting you’ll never have a clean toilet again.

Oh, you just cleaned it? How cute! They peed on it already.

Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 5d

Nothing says my kids broke something like a crash immediately followed by complete silence.

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Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 6d

A 5-pound bag of candy corn would fix me.

Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 8d

Taking out a second mortgage on my house to pay for my kid’s book fair haul

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Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 8d

Civil war but it’s just my husband trying to water the grass and killing my flowers instead.

Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 9d

7yo: Mom, what’s 6 7 mean?

Me: I don’t think anyone knows.

7yo: I think it means she’s gotta big back.

Me: NOPE. No. No, that’s not what that means. Don’t repeat that.

Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 11d

Once again I find myself in a long car ride with two screaming kids and zero noise canceling AirPods

Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 11d

Not to brag but I opened my junk drawer and there were FOUR (4) pairs of scissors in it

Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 12d

For the third year in a row, my kid has requested I dress as a marshmallow for Halloween. Because I *checks notes* “look like a marshmallow.”

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Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 12d

A long drive and some Pink Floyd on the radio. Exactly what I needed to knock these kids out.

Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 13d

I’m stronger now.

— my kid pushing his older brother off the couch on the morning of this 5th birthday

Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 14d

Nothing raises property values like your son yelling MY DAD POOPS HIS PANTS out the front window

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Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 15d

Sharing is caring, and other shit I said while scraping my frosting off the bottom of my husband’s donut

Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 16d

Tonight’s wine is pairing nicely with the kinetic sand fight in the dining room and some light dissociation.

Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 16d

Have you ever had a banana string stick to your finger and completely ruin your entire day?

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Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 17d

The moment I sit down to pee:

MOM I NEED HELP!

Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 18d

Here, Mom. Wash it and give it right back to me.

— my kid handing me a Ring Pop covered in dirt, grass and dog hair

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Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 21d

Death comes in threes, she whispers to herself when two lightbulbs die within a day of each other

Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 21d

My kid’s listening ears are never more turned on than when I’m playing explicit music in the car.

Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 22d

Sometimes I forget I’m an adult who can buy socks and underwear anytime I want without having to wait until Christmas.

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Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 25d

Oh and you’re late for baseball practice.

Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 25d

Having kids is like trying to sweep the floor while your house is burning to the ground.

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Jennifer Parker @mrsjparker.bsky.social · 26d

Imagine thinking your 4yo is eating a snack but he’s actually gnawing the icing off rice cakes with his little rabbit teeth and then putting the naked ones back in the bag.

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