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nachtimmel @nachtimmel.bsky.social · Apr 15

how long? from jittering at the hospital parking lot, now anxious and having some reflex everytime i hear a doorbell. "would this person be the end of my career?" "will i do or say something by accident and get fired?"

nachtimmel @nachtimmel.bsky.social · Apr 15

my sister just asked money for yt. ofc i gave her. thats all i want. just to be able to provide. but some days when everything hits, n idk what to do, i kinda wish i just dont wake up next time i sleep. how selfish, but im too tired to fight

nachtimmel @nachtimmel.bsky.social · Apr 15

perhaps i just want to vent out into an empty room. and maybe one day, few days later, someone reading this n thinking "ah she's also having some bullshit in her bag". while i act as usual, eating up silly things my friends do online to fight these negative feelings

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nachtimmel @nachtimmel.bsky.social · Apr 15

wait do they care if i crash out again lmao they'd probably think it's my fault n im a fucking idiot anyways nvm scratch the last part

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nachtimmel @nachtimmel.bsky.social · Apr 15

i do not wish to burden my friends. i know they will be concerned. i know they will. they're fantastic people. my staff - strong, cheerful. my family cannot see me crash out again.

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nachtimmel @nachtimmel.bsky.social · Apr 15

can i quit now? but who will feed my family. ah i mustve disappointed a lot of people. sorry, u guys thought im too smart. i guess i am, but why do i only feel emptiness. lost. dejection. so much thoughts. should i 'force' sleep again

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nachtimmel @nachtimmel.bsky.social · Apr 15

what's the point of all these fancy words on my resume. ETD? Cardiology? fking crisis centre? meaningless. my personality is poor, im not the best people pleaser, it all comes down to performative arts.

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nachtimmel @nachtimmel.bsky.social · Apr 15

then i ask myself. r u a child that hasnt grown up, only wishing for enjoyment? but how do i proceed in a place that only makes me anxious, demotivated, and empty. am i even good at my work? perhaps all my exp is a lie?

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nachtimmel @nachtimmel.bsky.social · Apr 15

every story i say, every 'courageous' or cool stories of my work, is just an old man's tale. a d yin g old man that yearns for some joy from the old days. but it's lost. there is nothing cool or admirable anymore

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nachtimmel @nachtimmel.bsky.social · Apr 15

i dont want to see people. i dont want to go out. i'd rather starve. but im hungry. i want to eat but i dont want to eat. i do not like anything. but if im not cheerful at work, i will be reprimanded.

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nachtimmel @nachtimmel.bsky.social · Apr 15

im lazy. i have no vigor. the only think that i somewhat enjoy is drawing. the feeling of "ah someone likes what i make". but my eating and sleeping habits is gone.

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nachtimmel @nachtimmel.bsky.social · Apr 15

everyday im nauseated with anxiety, and i dont remember what it feels to feel true joy. my silly looks and chirpy tone felt like muscle memory, but it's all empty. i feel empty. there is nothing inside.

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nachtimmel @nachtimmel.bsky.social · Apr 15

it's no longer just doing my job. practicing medicine just felt. lost to me. at a place where i felt im really working, i hv sht coworkers n boss n i am no longer living my life. i joined the private service, only to find.... more problems

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nachtimmel @nachtimmel.bsky.social · Apr 15

absolutely loving my friends, the cute fun moments we share although small is really helping me through tough times. played a game that couldnt have come on a better day. but how long can i endure my work?

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nachtimmel @nachtimmel.bsky.social · Jan 30

drew some friends' ocs

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nachtimmel @nachtimmel.bsky.social · Jan 9

it is!! it's a pie susu monster that my kid keeps on meeting so im turning it into a ao/3 romance novel catastrophe because i like giving my oc problems!!