NewsThump
@newsthump.com
Topical satire from the UK and around the world. You're not supposed to believe what we write, you idiot.
The new ad campaign for X is nothing if not honest...
January 10, 2026 at 9:57 AM
The new ad campaign for X is nothing if not honest...
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January 9, 2026 at 4:11 PM
New Year New ̶M̶e̶ Mug. Why aim for self-improvement when you get a new mug instead? Get yours free UK delivery here >>> buff.ly/jeMQFJR
NEWS! X launches new monthly subscription Pedo Premium+ newsthump.com/2026/01/09/x...
X launches new monthly subscription Pedo Premium+
Social media site X has launched a brand new monthly subscription service Pedo Premium+, according to its owner Elon Musk.
newsthump.com
January 9, 2026 at 3:07 PM
NEWS! X launches new monthly subscription Pedo Premium+ newsthump.com/2026/01/09/x...
What the MAGAloons over the last few days have been like...
January 9, 2026 at 1:41 PM
What the MAGAloons over the last few days have been like...
NEWS! Elon Musk to address the issue of sexualised deep-fakes by monetising it newsthump.com/2026/01/09/e...
Elon Musk to address the issue of sexualised deep-fakes by monetising it
Elon Musk’s social media platform has decided to address the issue of its AI tool happily creating sexualised deep fakes of people and children, by monetising the feature.
newsthump.com
January 9, 2026 at 12:53 PM
NEWS! Elon Musk to address the issue of sexualised deep-fakes by monetising it newsthump.com/2026/01/09/e...
NEWS! Greggs to introduce micro-sausage roll for customers on weight-loss jabs newsthump.com/2026/01/09/g...
Greggs to introduce micro-sausage roll for customers on weight-loss jabs
Greggs has announced plans to roll out a new “micro-sausage roll” aimed specifically at customers on weight-loss injections who would still like to remember what joy felt like, without committing t…
newsthump.com
January 9, 2026 at 9:16 AM
NEWS! Greggs to introduce micro-sausage roll for customers on weight-loss jabs newsthump.com/2026/01/09/g...
NEWS! Taliban praises Trump regime for finally just getting police to kill the people they disagree with
Taliban praises Trump regime for finally just getting police to kill the people they disagree with
The Taliban has praised Donald Trump’s leadership in finally letting the police kill anyone who disagrees with the regime’s policies, or who does something they don’t like.
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January 8, 2026 at 8:03 PM
NEWS! Taliban praises Trump regime for finally just getting police to kill the people they disagree with
I'd rather be at home with the biscuits. A sentiment many of us will experience multiple times a day. Get it on a T-shirt here >>> buff.ly/thqAfJB
January 8, 2026 at 2:45 PM
I'd rather be at home with the biscuits. A sentiment many of us will experience multiple times a day. Get it on a T-shirt here >>> buff.ly/thqAfJB
NEWS! Scientists still unsure if assholes become ICE agents or ICE agents become assholes
Scientists still unsure if assholes become ICE agents or ICE agents become assholes
Scientists across the continental United States remain baffled by the sequence of events leading to the inevitable assholification of ICE agents.
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January 8, 2026 at 1:52 PM
NEWS! Scientists still unsure if assholes become ICE agents or ICE agents become assholes
NEWS! I'd have called the family of Renee Nicole Good if she'd been shot storming the Capitol building while carrying a knife, insists Trump newsthump.com/2026/01/08/i...
I’d have called the family of Renee Nicole Good if she’d been shot storming the Capitol building while carrying a knife, insists Trump
Donald Trump has insisted he would have shown “great compassion, tremendous compassion, maybe the best compassion” toward Renee Nicole Good, had she only been killed by federal officers under circu…
newsthump.com
January 8, 2026 at 12:42 PM
NEWS! I'd have called the family of Renee Nicole Good if she'd been shot storming the Capitol building while carrying a knife, insists Trump newsthump.com/2026/01/08/i...
NEWS! ICE celebrates going entire day without murdering innocent civilian newsthump.com/2026/01/08/i...
ICE celebrates going entire day without murdering innocent civilian
The United States Immigration and Customs Enforcement are celebrating an incredible milestone, after managing to get through an entire day without gunning down any innocent civilians in the street.
newsthump.com
January 8, 2026 at 9:22 AM
NEWS! ICE celebrates going entire day without murdering innocent civilian newsthump.com/2026/01/08/i...
When the Trump Delusion Syndrome kicks into high gear...
January 7, 2026 at 5:22 PM
When the Trump Delusion Syndrome kicks into high gear...
NEWS! NATO really wishing it hadn’t wasted money renewing its website domain
NATO really wishing it hadn’t wasted money renewing its website domain
NATO is furious today after realising they’d just renewed their website domain for another year, despite the security alliance at risk of collapsing altogether.
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January 7, 2026 at 4:31 PM
NEWS! NATO really wishing it hadn’t wasted money renewing its website domain
NEWS! Learner drivers to be taught insults and aggressive hand gestures to better prepare them for UK roads
Learner drivers to be taught insults and aggressive hand gestures to better prepare them for UK roads
Learner drivers will be taught a range of vulgar expletive-laden insults and aggressive hand gestures, in order to prepare them better to drive on UK roads, according to government sources today.
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January 7, 2026 at 11:48 AM
NEWS! Learner drivers to be taught insults and aggressive hand gestures to better prepare them for UK roads
BREAKING! Elon has spoken about his platform's big ̶o̶p̶p̶o̶r̶t̶u̶n̶i̶t̶y̶ problem...
January 6, 2026 at 8:03 PM
BREAKING! Elon has spoken about his platform's big ̶o̶p̶p̶o̶r̶t̶u̶n̶i̶t̶y̶ problem...
NEWS! New garish ballroom mysteriously appears in Greenland
New garish ballroom mysteriously appears in Greenland
A huge new ballroom has mysteriously appeared in Greenland overnight, according to officials of the Danish territory.
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January 6, 2026 at 5:17 PM
NEWS! New garish ballroom mysteriously appears in Greenland
NEWS! Homeworker still managing to use snow as excuse not to do any work
Homeworker still managing to use snow as excuse not to do any work
A man who works from home on a laptop and has absolutely no need to venture outside is still somehow having a ‘snow day’.
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January 6, 2026 at 4:31 PM
NEWS! Homeworker still managing to use snow as excuse not to do any work
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January 6, 2026 at 3:41 PM
It's time to break out the high-tech Geordie insulation! Get yours with FREE UK delivery here >>> buff.ly/CzoRMPS
NEWS! Rachel Reeves announces new tax for households with more than one snowman newsthump.com/2026/01/06/r...
Rachel Reeves announces new tax for households with more than one snowman
Chancellor Rachel Reeves has announced new measures top up the government’s coffers at the expense of those ‘who can afford it’.
newsthump.com
January 6, 2026 at 2:36 PM
NEWS! Rachel Reeves announces new tax for households with more than one snowman newsthump.com/2026/01/06/r...
NEWS! Man who ran out of de-icer forced to scrape car windscreen like he Amish or something newsthump.com/2026/01/06/m...
Man who ran out of de-icer forced to scrape car windscreen like he Amish or something
A Basingstoke man suffered an unprecedented hardship this morning when he discovered his car windows covered in frost and, to his horror, realised he had run out of de-icer, forcing him to manually…
newsthump.com
January 6, 2026 at 9:42 AM
NEWS! Man who ran out of de-icer forced to scrape car windscreen like he Amish or something newsthump.com/2026/01/06/m...
NEWS! Big Sam Allardyce seals himself in wrapping paper and lies waiting outside Old Trafford newsthump.com/2026/01/05/b...
Big Sam Allardyce seals himself in wrapping paper and lies waiting outside Old Trafford
Sam Allardyce is giving himself to Manchester United as a late Christmas present.
newsthump.com
January 5, 2026 at 12:58 PM
NEWS! Big Sam Allardyce seals himself in wrapping paper and lies waiting outside Old Trafford newsthump.com/2026/01/05/b...
NEWS! Sleep-deprived and malnourished family rescued from quick game of Boxing Day Monopoly newsthump.com/2026/01/05/s...
Sleep-deprived and malnourished family rescued from quick game of Boxing Day Monopoly
Emergency services were today called out to a middle-class family home in Surrey, following reports by neighbours of “shouting and a funny smell”.
newsthump.com
January 5, 2026 at 11:40 AM
NEWS! Sleep-deprived and malnourished family rescued from quick game of Boxing Day Monopoly newsthump.com/2026/01/05/s...
NEWS! Donald Trump wins inaugural FIFA Abduction Prize
Donald Trump wins inaugural FIFA Abduction Prize
Donald Trump has become the proud first-ever recipient of FIFA’s prestigious Abduction Prize following his successful abduction of Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro.
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January 5, 2026 at 8:54 AM
NEWS! Donald Trump wins inaugural FIFA Abduction Prize