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Quality Tifa Content @qualitytifacontent.bsky.social · 1d

although tifa is famously reluctant to license her iconic appearance, she did make an exception for hanna-barbera's ANTIFA GIRLFRIEND. "i have always been fascinated by social insects," she explained. "unfortunately, the show didn't capture the subtleties of myrmecology to the degree I had hoped."

ANTIFA GIRLFRIEND ran for 30 episodes between september 1961 and april 1962. in an interview, tifa explained that she had envisioned the show as "an exploration of ant courtship: what pheromones, for example, are involved? is trophallaxis considered romantic? there are so many fascinating questions." she was, however, disappointed to find that every episode was "in fact just a succession of lame jokes." nevertheless, ANTIFA GIRLFRIEND maintains a cult following even today.

we at quality tifa content believe in the use of "hash tags" to further our "reach." therefore:

#tifa
#antifa
#girlfriend
#antifagirlfriend
#hannabarbera
#ants
#myrmecology
#trophallaxis
#romance
#qualitytifacontent
#tifalockhart

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Quality Tifa Content @qualitytifacontent.bsky.social · 15d

some would say that to add a videogame character to BORN TO DIE WORLD IS A FUCK is to take something whose appeal is its arbitrary ineffability and corral it into a limited, supremely effable set of signifiers that only say "I like this thing." ordinarily we would agree. but tifa? tifa is ineffable.

tifa and her kitty cat remind us that not only are we born to die, but the world is a fuck. moreover, metallica's 1983 debut kill em all actually came out in 1989, the 1967 beatles track i am the walrus was, in effect, a metaphorical way of saying i am trash man, and 420,757,864,530 dead cops would be a good number (but, one senses, perhaps still not enough).

as we here at Quality Tifa Content believe in maximizing the reach of our posts with "hash tags," we here provide the following:

#tifalockhart
#tifa
#qualitytifacontent
#kittycat
#borntodie
#worldisafuck
#killemall
#metallica
#johnlennon
#iamthewalrustrashman
#420trillionplusdeadcops

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Quality Tifa Content @qualitytifacontent.bsky.social · 23d

we at Quality Tifa Content cannot, and will not, condone anything involving the dipshit flower girl, and that includes whatever this bullshit movie is.

some upcoming horseshit called "tron: aeris" (known in some markets as "tron: aerith [sic]." we at Quality Tifa Content will not be seeing it. we will not even listen to the soundtrack--we don't care if trent reznor IS doing it. if he has chosen to associate himself with the dipshit flower girl then that is certainly his prerogative but we shan't reward him financially for such a decision, however much we at Quality Tifa Content may (under ordinary circumstances) enjoy his musical stylings.

note that, since we at Quality Tifa Content wish for our posts to have the maximum possible reach, we provide here a number of highly relevant "hash tags":

#tron
#aeris
#aerith ( #sic )
#qualitytifacontent
#trentreznor
#notcondoned

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Quality Tifa Content @qualitytifacontent.bsky.social · Jun 9

at the january 1984 consumer electronics show, jack tramiel famously announced that commodore had sold over a billion dollars of hardware in 1983--yet he sounded anything but triumphant. only a few knew why: tramiel rightly (but bitterly) attributed the success to tifa's stellar work as spokeswoman.

as tifa lockhart famously told consumers throughout 1983, "commodore offers twice the memory of apple at a third of the price. you can't buy a better computer for less. you can't buy a better computer period. commodore 64 is the home computer you can use right of the box. commodore: computers for the masses, not the classes."

note that we here at quality tifa content believe in maximizing the reach of our quality content. that is why we would now like to list a number of obnoxious "hash tags":

#tifa
#tifalockhart
#commodore
#commodore64
#vintage
#vintageadvertising
#jacktramiel
#computersforthemasses
#nottheclasses
#qualitytifacontent

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Quality Tifa Content @qualitytifacontent.bsky.social · May 28

the "tifa and i" musical was of course written with the understanding that tifa would play herself -- and she did, for the show's entire 1951 broadway run. although her other commitments sadly kept her from participating in the 1956 film, she praised yul brynner's "wonderfully faithful" performance.

the classic 1956 film adaptation of "tifa and i," starring deborah kerr as anna leonowens and yul brynner as tifa lockhart--as tifa herself was unfortunately unable to reprise the role she played to great acclaim on broadway. "tifa and i" was banned in japan because its depiction of tifa was, according to a spokesperson, "historically inaccurate." tifa herself has maintained, however, that it is only reasonable that certain liberties were taken in the process of condensing history into musical theater, and that anyway certain controversial episodes from her reign, such as the infamous incident of the dipshit flower girl's execution, that are better off forgotten.

here at Quality Tifa Content we believe that our quality content deserves maximum reach, and that is why we would now like to supply a series of obnoxious hashtags:

#tifa
#tifalockhart
#yulbrynner
#thekingandi
#musicaltheater
#broadway
#deborahkerr
#dipshitflowergirl

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Quality Tifa Content @qualitytifacontent.bsky.social · May 22

neil peart has explained that the cover of rush's 1981 classic, MOVING PICTURES OF TIFA, is "a bit of a triple entendre. layered, sophisticated -- like our music aspires to be. like tifa is. i have said that i am no one's disciple. i stand by that. but tifa--well. let's just say I'm not an atheist."

the visual sophistication on offer here is profound. we see "movers" who are carrying (literally "moving") pictures of tifa ("moving pictures of tifa"). we see people sobbing because emotionally they are "moved" (i.e., the "moving pictures of tifa" are not just literally but figuratively "moving"). we see also a cameraman filming the scene -- making another kind of literal "moving" (motion) "picture" of tifa. this is extraordinarily clever. we would of course expect no less from rush -- the thinking man's rock band. and tifa is, and always was, their muse.

as we here at Quality Tifa Content believe our content should have the maximum possible reach, we would now like to add several obnoxious "hash tags":

#rush
#tifa
#tifalockhart
#movingpictures
#movingpicturesoftifa
#classicrock
#finalfantasyvii
#art
#profoundart
#thesublime
#truth
#beauty
#qualitytifacontent

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Quality Tifa Content @qualitytifacontent.bsky.social · Apr 30

"for myst the name just appeared! we knew it was right. riven on the other hand was like pulling teeth. it took months and many iterations. i remember cocoon was one... but there was the movie. chrysalis! It was almost chrysalis!!! and then tifa. it was almost tifa!! finally riven." -- robyn miller

early boxart mockup for "tifa: the sequel to myst."

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Quality Tifa Content @qualitytifacontent.bsky.social · Apr 24

antifa tifa with a polite suggestion for nazi punks

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Quality Tifa Content @qualitytifacontent.bsky.social · Dec 21

"tifa hated christmas! the whole christmas season!
hard to say why. no one knows the reason.
it could be her head wasn't screwed on just right.
it could even be that her shoes were too tight.
but i think the most likely reason of all
may have been that she really wasn't dressed for the weather."

the classic children's story "how tifa stole christmas!" by dr. seuss (written, famously, under the baffling pseudonym "josta li yison."

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Quality Tifa Content @qualitytifacontent.bsky.social · Aug 21

many have asked why tifa once spent an evening in a barn listening to the raw whine of a guitar amp with a cow she didn't trust, but she has (in our view rightly) maintained that she owes no one an explanation.

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Quality Tifa Content @qualitytifacontent.bsky.social · Aug 15

look at this. look at this. so, these are tifas, right? wrong. this is inflation. this is tifa. this is tifa. this is inflation. and you know what? inflation is destroying the tifa economy.

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Quality Tifa Content @qualitytifacontent.bsky.social · Aug 14

one has to pay for "xAI" (lol) "grok" (lol) image generation and we at Quality Tifa Content will of course never give elon fucking musk our hard-earned money but in a way that's too bad. we at Quality Tifa Content would have loved to try, for eg, the second prompt here without the first two letters.

we at Quality Tifa Content would love to see tifa curbstomping a police officer, but fuck elon musk

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Quality Tifa Content @qualitytifacontent.bsky.social · Aug 1

olympic silver medalist and gymnast tifa lockhart poses with her sponsor, cheese.

"no one has as many friends as the man with many cheeses." -- tifa lockhart

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Quality Tifa Content @qualitytifacontent.bsky.social · Jun 6

sadly, tifa’s plans to adapt “the cask of amontillado” never came to fruition because of difficulties filming the climactic scene. “i just felt bad,” she later reflected, “about the idea of, you know, bricking her into a wall. even though aeris was actually pretty okay with it. which was weird.”

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Quality Tifa Content @qualitytifacontent.bsky.social · May 29

TI-FA: A Girl Who'd Kill for a Shower at the Bound of this World was released in 1996 for the NEC PC-98 computer. the story, which follows the protagonist (tifa lockhart) as she travels between parallel worlds to solve the mystery of where to take a shower, revolutionized the erotic adventure game.

key art for TI-FA: A Girl Who'd Kill for a Shower at the Bound of this World, depicting tifa lockhart at the bound of this world, preparing to take a shower.

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Quality Tifa Content @qualitytifacontent.bsky.social · May 20

in chunsoft’s groundbreaking 1999 hit “mystery dungeon: tifa the wanderer,” the titular heroine fought through the 49 randomly generated floors of “7x7th heaven,” armed only with her katana, her weird floating hat, and her pet ferret aerith [sic]. the title essentially invented the “tifalike” genre.

tifa the wanderer poses awkwardly with her trusty katana and her weird floating hat

tifa the wanderer again poses awkwardly with her trusty katana and her weird floating hat

tifa the wanderer, seen here not only with her trusty katana and her weird floating hat but also her pet ferret aerith [sic]

tifa the wanderer and the lovable(?) ferret aerith [sic]

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Quality Tifa Content @qualitytifacontent.bsky.social · May 8

many of us who were watching “good morning america” in 1999 remember tifa’s december appearance on the show. as an IT expert, tifa was able to clearly convey to the public the importance of turning your computer off on new year’s eve lest Y2K blow it up. she saved an estimated twenty million lives.

Tifa Lockhart, IT expert, explains to Good Morning America’s nationwide audience the importance of turning your computer off on December 31st, 1999 so Y2K doesn’t blow it up.

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Quality Tifa Content @qualitytifacontent.bsky.social · May 5

peter norton never forgave tifa for burying him in the utility software market. norton cynically attributed the success of 1987’s TIFA UTILITIES to “the babe on the cover,” but in fact Tifa UnErase, Tifa Disk Doctor, and Tifa Format Recover were all faster and more reliable than his own offerings.

“behind these programs isn’t a faceless corporation. it’s a woman. a woman who knows what she’s doing. thousands of PC users have found the TIFA UTILITIES an essential supplement to DOS. shouldn’t YOU have a set?”

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Quality Tifa Content @qualitytifacontent.bsky.social · Apr 30

tifa’s famous 2002 “spring break” photo shoot was, as she wrote, “a knowing (final) fantasia on spring break—I wanted a vision of spring break (a day at the beach with me) that not even the most hopeful of frat boys could ever actually expect to experience. I wanted to drive these kids to despair.”

a gaggle of frat boys look upon tifa lockhart with adoration

a gaggle of frat boys look upon tifa lockhart with adoration (2)

a gaggle of frat boys look upon tifa lockhart with adoration (3)

a gaggle of frat boys look upon tifa lockhart with adoration (4)

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Quality Tifa Content @qualitytifacontent.bsky.social · Apr 22

kenneth branagh’s 2006 film “hamlet” transposed the classic play to a japanese setting. critics praised tifa’s performance as the titular prince but were less enthused by aeris’s ophelia. branagh memorably defended the casting choice by claiming that “ophelia was the original dipshit flower girl.”

prince hamlet (tifa) with the original dipshit flower girl (aeris)

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Quality Tifa Content @qualitytifacontent.bsky.social · Feb 28

tifa will pretend not to notice if you start trying to hack an innocent bird to death, and we at Quality Tifa Content love her for this. the dipshit flower girl may look on in horror and judge you, but our queen? never.

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Quality Tifa Content @qualitytifacontent.bsky.social · Feb 23

some wonder about the lore implications of this statement. what, they ask, could tifa possibly have meant by this? who is “god” in the “final fantasy vii” universe? but the answer was made clear in “crisis core”: their god is the japanese singer, musician, record producer and actor known as “GACKT.”

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Quality Tifa Content @qualitytifacontent.bsky.social · Jan 5

thanks to the power of artificial intelligence, tifa’s most infamously problematic moment can be recast as one that is merely nonsensical.

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Quality Tifa Content @qualitytifacontent.bsky.social · Dec 22

tifa wonders if any of the programmers out there could be man enough to work on soft co., ltd’s “the last jesuit” — the highly anticipated role-playing game in which she is the last jesuit priest on earth — for windows 94 (print advertisement, game developer magazine, feb-mar 1997 issue).

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Quality Tifa Content @qualitytifacontent.bsky.social · Dec 21

tifa lockhart crosses the rubicon, 49 bc (eyewitness photograph)

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