Ryan Burkett
@ryanburkett.bsky.social
Chicago writer and comedian, trying to raise a good beagle
Pinned
Ryan Burkett
@ryanburkett.bsky.social
· Apr 2
Don’t Be Nervous on Your First Day of Time Travel Because You Retired Yesterday After Fifty Years and We’re All Going to Miss You
Periodically you might encounter your double. Do not engage, especially for sex.
www.pointsincase.com
I wrote this and @pointsincase.com was nice enough to run it. Thanks!
I just ran for the CTA Holiday Train and missed it where’s my Hallmark movie
December 10, 2025 at 11:11 PM
I just ran for the CTA Holiday Train and missed it where’s my Hallmark movie
*I meet your baby, who instantly starts crying*
“Wow he must smell MY dog”
“Wow he must smell MY dog”
December 10, 2025 at 3:41 AM
*I meet your baby, who instantly starts crying*
“Wow he must smell MY dog”
“Wow he must smell MY dog”
I wrote one of these! Always wanted to be on a “Year-End List (Complimentary)”
Our "Best of 2025" picks feature party planners, new chess pieces, sewer dwellers, Kyle Energy, and more!
Best of PIC 2025
Our "Best of 2025" picks feature party planners, new chess pieces, sewer dwellers, Kyle Energy, and more!
www.pointsincase.com
December 10, 2025 at 12:45 AM
I wrote one of these! Always wanted to be on a “Year-End List (Complimentary)”
My cashier said it was okay
More than 1 in 4 self-checkout shoppers admit they've stolen: Survey
More than 1 in 4 self-checkout shoppers admit they’ve stolen: Survey
More than a third of self-checkout thieves see the kiosks as “unpaid work” so taking small items “feels like compensation.”
ktla.com
December 7, 2025 at 11:23 PM
My cashier said it was okay
I don’t have Spotify so I don’t know my top song, unless singing Happy Birthday every morning on the train counts (if no one has a birthday I sing Tambourine Man but it’s usually someone’s birthday)
December 4, 2025 at 5:48 AM
I don’t have Spotify so I don’t know my top song, unless singing Happy Birthday every morning on the train counts (if no one has a birthday I sing Tambourine Man but it’s usually someone’s birthday)
I don’t know anyone who lights up a room, which is comforting
December 4, 2025 at 1:17 AM
I don’t know anyone who lights up a room, which is comforting
My seasonal depression starts the day Chicago closes the patios
November 30, 2025 at 7:19 AM
My seasonal depression starts the day Chicago closes the patios
Oh no Tilly Norwood was ran over by the Philadelphia Cream Cheese TikTok float at the Macys Thanksgiving parade. (Her head exploded.)
November 27, 2025 at 6:00 PM
Oh no Tilly Norwood was ran over by the Philadelphia Cream Cheese TikTok float at the Macys Thanksgiving parade. (Her head exploded.)
I quit watching Stranger Things because of the nosebleeds
November 26, 2025 at 11:37 PM
I quit watching Stranger Things because of the nosebleeds
Podcasters are always like, “We started back in 2023. No one even knew what a podcast was back then.”
November 24, 2025 at 11:35 PM
Podcasters are always like, “We started back in 2023. No one even knew what a podcast was back then.”
She’s going to be in Oh Mary I called this like a year ago
BREAKING: Marjorie Taylor Greene says she's resigning from Congress — effective January 5, 2026.
November 22, 2025 at 1:51 AM
She’s going to be in Oh Mary I called this like a year ago
I think this song is probably about me (ugh jk ignore me I’m so vain)
November 17, 2025 at 12:52 AM
I think this song is probably about me (ugh jk ignore me I’m so vain)
Everyone’s always surprised when creeps are friends with creeps. It’s from watching too many sitcoms where there’s only one in a friend group. Same with dumb guys or chefs.
November 14, 2025 at 11:56 PM
Everyone’s always surprised when creeps are friends with creeps. It’s from watching too many sitcoms where there’s only one in a friend group. Same with dumb guys or chefs.
I’m sure they’re nice but this looks like shit
November 10, 2025 at 1:09 AM
I’m sure they’re nice but this looks like shit
Somebody shoulda bet against that wig
Hey so Michael Burry (the dude Christian Bale plays in The Big Short) just took out a billion dollar short bet against a few HUGE Ai companies…………
Reminder that he made mega bank betting on the housing market to fail back in 2008. No one believed that was even possible at the time.
Reminder that he made mega bank betting on the housing market to fail back in 2008. No one believed that was even possible at the time.
November 9, 2025 at 8:33 PM
Somebody shoulda bet against that wig
Genuinely hope he wins
November 7, 2025 at 6:00 PM
Genuinely hope he wins
Can I be the one to tell Debra Messing
Mira Nair, in addition to being a brilliant filmmaker, is now officially the mom of the MAYOR OF NEW YORK CITY!
Mamdani wins New York City mayoral race, in a historic victory for progressives
Mamdani, a democratic socialist and state assemblymember, will make history as the first Muslim and South Asian person — as well as the youngest in over a century — to serve as New York City mayor.
www.npr.org
November 5, 2025 at 3:02 AM
Can I be the one to tell Debra Messing
No and as a matter of fact I’m going to Trader Joe’s later to get even more
Y’all doing #NoNutNovember 👀
November 2, 2025 at 7:18 PM
No and as a matter of fact I’m going to Trader Joe’s later to get even more
I love Halloween so much I think we should start asking each other “What are you supposed to be” throughout the year
November 1, 2025 at 10:39 PM
I love Halloween so much I think we should start asking each other “What are you supposed to be” throughout the year
We ran out of candy so I started letting kids take a picture with my Grammy for Best New Artist
November 1, 2025 at 4:14 PM
We ran out of candy so I started letting kids take a picture with my Grammy for Best New Artist
Wait *that’s* the Monster Mash? We’ve been calling that the Lab Dance at work for years
October 31, 2025 at 2:12 PM
Wait *that’s* the Monster Mash? We’ve been calling that the Lab Dance at work for years
Would never apologize to my inner child; easily half this shit is his fault
October 30, 2025 at 3:44 AM
Would never apologize to my inner child; easily half this shit is his fault
I took an IQ test they were like where are you going this time of night can you say the alphabet can you touch your nose name a number of beers
October 27, 2025 at 11:35 PM
I took an IQ test they were like where are you going this time of night can you say the alphabet can you touch your nose name a number of beers
When I tell my English teacher I’m doing good
Well!
October 25, 2025 at 4:50 AM
When I tell my English teacher I’m doing good