As seen in the monthly publication, the Humor Times, along with a hundred or so other great cartoons! Check out a free sample and subscribe today! Available in print or digital formats, worldwide.

In a bold move to “restore integrity” to the Bureau, Kash Patel announced the creation of a new FBI Task Force. WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold move to “restore integrity” to the Bureau, FBI Director Kash Patel announced the creation of a brand-new elite division today: an FBI Task Force called the Special High Intelligence Truth Support agents — or SHITS Agents for short. The unit’s sole directive? To perform a “high-speed, rapid re-contextualization of information” regarding the Jeffrey Epstein files, specifically focused on debunking any and all mentions of President Donald Trump.

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The news, even that about the Bill Gates STI, don’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon. Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today…

In October of 1945, ten-year-old Elvis Presley sang “Old Shep” in a talent competition at the Mississippi-Alabama State Fair and Dairy Show in Tupelo and was elated to come in fifth. He recalled in later years that he “ran off” later in the day and “got a whipping from my mama. Blew my ego completely.” On first reading that story, I immediately thought of an incident in the life of Jesus, recorded in the Gospel According to St. Luke, chapter two, verses 41-49: Now his parents went to Jerusalem every year at the feast of the passover.

Promises the new Christopher Columbus monument will be "way bigger and better" than the one Baltimore used to have. Acting on a campaign promise to venerate controversial explorer Christopher Columbus, President Donald J. Trump swore today to erect an effigy of the 15th century Italian on the White House grounds. Administration insiders, speaking on condition of anonymity because of fear of defenestration, admitted to the Humor Times that the statue will be located on the south side of the grounds, by E Street and north of the Ellipse. "It'll be in your face!" one of them said.

By Tim Greaney I relish the opportunity to see the 'Real America' with my best friend on our long road trips. My Best Friend and I look forward to the last court session in July like we were still teenagers. Heading out on the open road in our sweet ride, the Le Mirage Marathon XL, is as invigorating as a cool ocean breeze on Runaway Bay, Jamaica, which, believe me, is quite overrated as that is one unbearably sticky, humid island. Truth be told, for me there’s nothing as thrilling as the view in the rear-view mirror of the Washington Monument fading into the background as we set out on our summer vacay.

As seen in the monthly publication, the Humor Times, along with a hundred or so other great cartoons! Check out a free sample and subscribe today! Available in print or digital formats, worldwide.

Bill Clinton prepares for the "Little Virgin Gorda Fun-Time Jamboree." The history books are often written by the victors, but the legends are written by the dry cleaners and the personal assistants. In the quiet, wood-paneled halls of the Chappaqua estate, a new chapter was being added to the Clintonian Mythos — one involving a very specific misunderstanding of the term "island getaway." It was the summer of 2002, and Bill Clinton was packing his bags with the breezy enthusiasm of a man who genuinely believed he was about to win a game of "Pin the Tail on the Donkey" against a group of unsuspecting five-year-olds.

with Doug Hawley The Dictator for Life lists his many great accomplishments in the last press conference he will ever deign grant. Prologue White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt lithely stepped into the Oval Office and there met with President Donald Trump, seated behind the Resolute Desk with a 6-pack of Diet Coke before him. "Yes, sugar," said Trump, staring at her bare legs and licking his thick lips. "Whadda you want?" "Mr. President," said Leavitt, "what do you plan to cover in your press briefing this afternoon? I need to tell the press so they'll know what questions to ask."

As seen in the monthly publication, the Humor Times, along with a hundred or so other great cartoons! Check out a free sample and subscribe today! Available in print or digital formats, worldwide.

As seen in the monthly publication, the Humor Times, along with a hundred or so other great cartoons! Check out a free sample and subscribe today! Available in print or digital formats, worldwide.

<blockquote><br /><strong><em>How Russia has weaponized the most frigid winter in more than a decade.</em></strong></blockquote><br /><p><dropc...

As seen in the monthly publication, the Humor Times, along with a hundred or so other great cartoons! Check out a free sample and subscribe today! Available in print or digital formats, worldwide.

As seen in the monthly publication, the Humor Times, along with a hundred or so other great cartoons! Check out a free sample and subscribe today! Available in print or digital formats, worldwide.

As seen in the monthly publication, the Humor Times, along with a hundred or so other great cartoons! Check out a free sample and subscribe today! Available in print or digital formats, worldwide.

Rep. L’Ocean MacCatheter III Jr. (D-N.J.) demanded in a speech yesterday that ethnic studies and all other elective courses be eliminated from higher education in the U.S. because of what he termed their Confederate origins. “It has come to my attention that the first American institution of higher learning to offer students a free choice of elective courses was what was then known as Washington College, now known as Washington and Lee, when Robert E. Lee himself was president there,” MacCatheter said in an address to the annual convention of College Administrators for Curricular Augmentation (CACA).

As seen in the monthly publication, the Humor Times, along with a hundred or so other great cartoons! Check out a free sample and subscribe today! Available in print or digital formats, worldwide.

As seen in the monthly publication, the Humor Times, along with a hundred or so other great cartoons! Check out a free sample and subscribe today! Available in print or digital formats, worldwide.

Review by Humor Times Film Critic Llib Epot After many rewrites, "Melania," the movie, has morphed into "Last Tango at Mar-a-Lago." Prologue: "Melania," the eponymously-titled documentary about first lady Melania Trump, received sharp but unfair criticism from movie critics and cultural observers with a grudge to nurse. Chided as being "vacuous" and "unenlightening" and even "a shallow drink of water," the film was sent back to the Amazon MGM Studios for a quick remake. After three frenzied weeks of rewrites and reshoots, the movie, now morphed into "Last Tango at Mar-a-Lago," was finished.

As seen in the monthly publication, the Humor Times, along with a hundred or so other great cartoons! Check out a free sample and subscribe today! Available in print or digital formats, worldwide.

As seen in the monthly publication, the Humor Times, along with a hundred or so other great cartoons! Check out a free sample and subscribe today! Available in print or digital formats, worldwide.

Wherein Jupiter gave Mars permission to stage an invasion of any country that didn’t give in to his every whim. As with many gods, Jupiter’s fury stemmed from multiple sources. First, his emotionally distant father. When Saturn heard Jupiter would supplant him as king of the gods, he tried swallowing his son. (It didn’t work, but one can imagine Jupiter’s lifelong daddy issues.) Second, Jupiter’s increasing impotence. He had to face the fact that his best days of impregnating virgins were in the past. His feet always hurt, so he no longer gave chase, and his arthritic hands no longer could grab unmentionable body parts.

The Good Book tells us that "[a] good name is rather to be chosen than great riches," but good luck attaining those riches in a rock band if your name isn't a good one. Ever heard of the Polka Tulk Blues Band? Probably not, so changing their name to Black Sabbath probably was a sound career move. The Pendletones? Okey-dokey, but "Beach Boys" has a better ring to it. "Rat Salad" isn't bad, but "Van Halen" appears to have been the safe choice. Luckily, very little imagination is required for arrival at a great name for your rock band.

The slower, more tactile act of handwriting creates better retention of the thoughts it conveys. While the production of my Lowdown commentaries is high-tech, I confess that I'm antiquated. I still write each piece in longhand, applying my ballpoint to paper. This has caused bewildered glances from some who see me scribbling away in local coffee shops and bars. Recently, one fellow sidled up and whispered: "Watch out! If they see you doin' this, they'll haul you off to the Smithsonian." But we hand writers might not be as obsolete as the key-tappers assume.

As seen in the monthly publication, the Humor Times, along with a hundred or so other great cartoons! Check out a free sample and subscribe today! Available in print or digital formats, worldwide.