The Beaverton
@thebeaverton.com
North America’s Trusted Source Of News
Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/thebeaverton
Merch: https://the-beaverton.myshopify.com/
Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/thebeaverton
Merch: https://the-beaverton.myshopify.com/
Checks out! Weird guy owns lizard
Checks out! Weird guy owns lizard
LINDSAY, ON - In an extremely foreseeable but nonetheless upsetting chain of events, 29-year-old Dan Wilson, a man who can only be described as “weird as hell”, has revealed himself to be the proud ow...
www.thebeaverton.com
November 29, 2025 at 8:00 PM
Checks out! Weird guy owns lizard
The Beaverton speaks with CBC News about how Time Magazine mistook a fake quote for real facts!
A made-up quote from the Beaverton made it into Time magazine | Hanomansing Tonight
YouTube video by CBC News
www.youtube.com
November 29, 2025 at 4:36 PM
The Beaverton speaks with CBC News about how Time Magazine mistook a fake quote for real facts!
Steven Guilbeault resigns from cabinet after Danielle Smith threatens to build new pipeline through his house
Steven Guilbeault resigns from cabinet after Danielle Smith threatens to build new pipeline through his house
OTTAWA - After Mark Carney and Danielle Smith signed a new pipeline agreement yesterday, Canada’s Minister of Canadian Identity and Culture Steven Guilbeault resigned from the Prime Minister’s cabinet...
www.thebeaverton.com
November 28, 2025 at 9:24 PM
Steven Guilbeault resigns from cabinet after Danielle Smith threatens to build new pipeline through his house
"Ottawa U.S. Embassy spokesperson Ariel Pollock" has now been required to issue a comment on our foolishness.
'Made-up quote' in Canadian satire site The Beaverton fools Time Magazine | CBC News
In a recent article about the United States' strained relationships with other countries, Time Magazine included a made-up quote from Canadian satire site The Beaverton — seemingly as fact.
www.cbc.ca
November 28, 2025 at 8:27 PM
"Ottawa U.S. Embassy spokesperson Ariel Pollock" has now been required to issue a comment on our foolishness.
Huge Black Friday lineup turns out to just be for Food Bank
Huge Black Friday lineup turns out to just be for Food Bank
HAMILTON, ON - Local residents this morning report driving past an excitingly long lineup and assuming it was for a blowout Black Friday sale, before realizing that it was just a regular queue for a b...
www.thebeaverton.com
November 28, 2025 at 6:13 PM
Huge Black Friday lineup turns out to just be for Food Bank
Danielle Smith uses notwithstanding clause to declare herself premier of B.C.
Danielle Smith uses notwithstanding clause to declare herself premier of B.C.
Prime Minister Mark Carney disagrees with the concept of a premier of one province unilaterally taking over a different province but his hands are tied by his unwillingness to do anything about it.
www.thebeaverton.com
November 28, 2025 at 5:03 PM
Danielle Smith uses notwithstanding clause to declare herself premier of B.C.
Take 75% off your first month of membership with promo code: Thrive2025 www.patreon.com/thebeaverton...
November 28, 2025 at 3:31 PM
Take 75% off your first month of membership with promo code: Thrive2025 www.patreon.com/thebeaverton...
When your ambassador is SO deranged that Time Magazine says, "Yeah, that quote sounds real".
November 27, 2025 at 9:12 PM
When your ambassador is SO deranged that Time Magazine says, "Yeah, that quote sounds real".
Tim Hortons reminds Campbell’s customers that they also make bad soup for poor slobs
Tim Hortons reminds Campbell's customers that they also make bad soup for poor slobs
TORONTO - Following the news that a top Campbell’s executive was fired after being caught on microphone calling the company’s soups “shit for poor people”, Tim Hortons have released a statement remind...
www.thebeaverton.com
November 27, 2025 at 6:18 PM
Tim Hortons reminds Campbell’s customers that they also make bad soup for poor slobs
New Conservative Campaign Manager excited to bring fresh, moderate ideas that Poilievre will ignore (Podcast)
New Conservative Campaign Manager excited to bring fresh, moderate ideas that Poilievre will ignore
“I can’t wait to lay out a series of pragmatic proposals that people will respond to, and see Pierre ignore them in favour of an ‘owning the libs’ game plan yet again.” Luke and the Panel (Megan MacKa...
thebeaverton.com
November 27, 2025 at 3:42 PM
New Conservative Campaign Manager excited to bring fresh, moderate ideas that Poilievre will ignore (Podcast)
Have we finally made Danielle Smith happy? With @clareblackwood.bsky.social @mmmegan.bsky.social @ianmmacintyre.bsky.social
November 27, 2025 at 3:01 AM
Have we finally made Danielle Smith happy? With @clareblackwood.bsky.social @mmmegan.bsky.social @ianmmacintyre.bsky.social
Satan unsure how to deal with sinners who are in Hell for masochistic sex
Satan unsure how to deal with sinners who are in Hell for masochistic sex
SECOND CIRCLE OF HELL ― Speaking over screams for pity and the roaring wind buffeting those unfortunate souls convicted of regular lust, the Prince of Darkness expressed frustration Wednesday with the...
www.thebeaverton.com
November 26, 2025 at 10:20 PM
Satan unsure how to deal with sinners who are in Hell for masochistic sex
Removal of CRTC content quotas for porn leads to cancellation of next five Eric Peterson projects
Removal of CRTC content quotas for porn leads to cancellation of next five Eric Peterson projects
OTTAWA - The Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission will no longer impose Canadian Content quotas on pornographic websites, leading to the cancellation of several upcoming product...
www.thebeaverton.com
November 26, 2025 at 9:12 PM
Removal of CRTC content quotas for porn leads to cancellation of next five Eric Peterson projects
New podcast available now!
-Carney's pipeline pinky promise
-Conservatives head to an Outhouse
-Putin and Trump declare peace on Ukraine
+More
open.spotify.com/episode/0jSv...
-Carney's pipeline pinky promise
-Conservatives head to an Outhouse
-Putin and Trump declare peace on Ukraine
+More
open.spotify.com/episode/0jSv...
November 26, 2025 at 3:35 PM
New podcast available now!
-Carney's pipeline pinky promise
-Conservatives head to an Outhouse
-Putin and Trump declare peace on Ukraine
+More
open.spotify.com/episode/0jSv...
-Carney's pipeline pinky promise
-Conservatives head to an Outhouse
-Putin and Trump declare peace on Ukraine
+More
open.spotify.com/episode/0jSv...
Man who gets winded climbing stairs describes plan to repel home invasion
Man who gets winded climbing stairs describes plan to repel home invasion
GEORGE, NB - Despite no self-defense training and being incredibly out of shape, cell phone kiosk employee Wade Creamer, 27, has often described to friends his plans for countering a potential home in...
www.thebeaverton.com
November 25, 2025 at 11:21 PM
Man who gets winded climbing stairs describes plan to repel home invasion
Trump removes tariffs on foreign films that are just as dumb as American ones
Trump removes tariffs on foreign films that are just as dumb as American ones
WASHINGTON, D.C. - United States President Donald Trump announced that his administration would not implement the intended 100% tariffs on films made outside the US, so long as they are just as mind-n...
www.thebeaverton.com
November 25, 2025 at 6:01 PM
Trump removes tariffs on foreign films that are just as dumb as American ones
The Beaverton Lives! It still needs your help to thrive
The Beaverton Lives! It still needs your help to thrive
Beloved Readers, It’s been just over a year since we launched our Patreon, and to say that it has completely saved our asses would be an understatement. From the bottom of our snarky Canadian hearts, ...
thebeaverton.com
November 25, 2025 at 3:40 PM
The Beaverton Lives! It still needs your help to thrive
Oh no! Unread email continues to exist
Oh no! Unread email continues to exist
WINNIPEG - Local account manager Meghan Gessele was horrified this week to discover that, upon returning to her workstation after using the restroom, an unread email she had left unread was still in e...
www.thebeaverton.com
November 24, 2025 at 11:34 PM
Oh no! Unread email continues to exist
“Is that the CN tower in the background? It’s like they’re not even trying.”
"You can totally tell this movie was shot in Toronto," says man about movie set in Toronto
TORONTO – While watching a movie at home with friends, local cinephile Jacob Meznik repeatedly pointed out all the times the movie gave away that it was clearly shot in Toronto, blissfully unaware tha...
thebeaverton.com
November 24, 2025 at 8:31 PM
“Is that the CN tower in the background? It’s like they’re not even trying.”
Luke, @clareblackwood.bsky.social @mmmegan.bsky.social and @nileseguin.bsky.social trade theories on why this Hamilton bus driver had cops waiting for him.
November 24, 2025 at 6:07 PM
Luke, @clareblackwood.bsky.social @mmmegan.bsky.social and @nileseguin.bsky.social trade theories on why this Hamilton bus driver had cops waiting for him.
Marco Rubio reveals Ukraine Peace Plan confusion caused by trip to Liquor Dome
Marco Rubio reveals Ukraine Peace Plan confusion caused by trip to Liquor Dome
HALIFAX - U.S. lawmakers attending the Halifax International Security Forum reveal that confusion around a leaked peace plan for Ukraine were caused by Secretary of State Marco Rubio spending a long n...
www.thebeaverton.com
November 24, 2025 at 3:51 PM
Marco Rubio reveals Ukraine Peace Plan confusion caused by trip to Liquor Dome
Study: Bilingual people forget twice as many words after hitting middle age
Study: Bilingual people forget twice as many words after hitting middle age
OTTAWA, ON ― An alarming new study out of the University of Ottawa suggests that years of recommendations to learn a new language in order to stave off cognitive decline may in fact have the opposite ...
www.thebeaverton.com
November 23, 2025 at 11:59 PM
Study: Bilingual people forget twice as many words after hitting middle age
Groundbreaking animal mind-reading study reveals ‘nothing interesting’
Groundbreaking animal mind-reading study reveals ‘nothing interesting’
“We were afforded a glimpse deeper into the animal mind than ever before. What we found was banal and unsurprising.”
www.thebeaverton.com
November 22, 2025 at 8:08 PM
Groundbreaking animal mind-reading study reveals ‘nothing interesting’