The Empty Press
LightNews LightNews
banner
theemptypress.com
The Empty Press
@theemptypress.com
93 followers 3 following 590 posts
We're TheEmptyPress, AKA "The Old Dark Lady". We write worthless, satirical garbage. Also, we're not an AI, we're just bad at what we do.

https://linktr.ee/theemptypress
Posts Replies Media Videos
Pinned
theemptypress.com
The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · Jun 8
The foundational pillar of the abuses and inequities of modern Western society is the tendency of poor White people to believe that problems that rich White people created are the fault of poor People of Colour.

#HousingCrisis #CDNPoli #CanPoli #NSPoli
theemptypress.com
November and December are what we like to call our 'cute time of the year'

#Elves #Christmas #LOTR #Fantasy #GeekStuff #Halisky
Now that toys delivered, Elves go back to killing Orcs and all others who dare to stand in their path - The Empty Press
NORTH POLE – With Christmas past and toys delivered, elves are free to return to battling orcs and goblins and various other forms of magical bloodshed. “November and December are what we like to call...
theemptypress.com
December 25, 2025 at 11:07 PM
theemptypress.com
Parents used to share photos of their smiling children sitting with twinkle-eyed, rosy-cheeked St. Nicholas, now they’d rather post videos of them being traumatised by an Eldritch terror of an evergreen monstrosity.

#Halifax #NovaScotia #MicMacMall #Christmas #Woody #SantaClaus #Halisky
Mic Mac Mall Santa closes shop after another year with no visitors - The Empty Press
HALIFAX – The Mic Mac Mall Santa packed in his supplies, yesterday, after spending winter season with minimal visitation. “It seems like folks just don’t have time for ol’ Kris Kringle anymore,” lamen...
theemptypress.com
December 25, 2025 at 8:04 PM
theemptypress.com
It's 10PM. Do you know where your jolly old elves are?

#Christmas #Halisky
December 25, 2025 at 1:58 AM
theemptypress.com
I'm just going to say it. I think I could dunk if I were as tall as Victor Wembanyama.

#GoSpursGo #NBA
December 23, 2025 at 1:43 AM
theemptypress.com
BREAKING: Bowen Yang to leave SNL after proving that one Asian comedian is better than a hundred White ones.

#SNL #BowenYang
December 20, 2025 at 9:56 PM
theemptypress.com
@evilpez4.bsky.social You're trippin' on angel dust?
evilpez4.bsky.social Andy Bowers @evilpez4.bsky.social · 7d
Me waiting in lineup at Costco on the last weekend before Christmas.
December 19, 2025 at 3:49 AM
theemptypress.com
...and no one ever heard of Saddam Hussein, again.

#MargaretThatcher
Margaret Thatcher
December 19, 2025 at 3:46 AM
theemptypress.com
So far, my "just don't leave the house until it warms up enough to melt" strategy for snow removal is going great. #IntrovertLifeHack

#Halifax #NovaScotia #Halisky
December 17, 2025 at 5:37 PM
theemptypress.com
In case you were wondering, the Toronto Sun doesn't need to warn Canadians that Anti-Islamic terror attacks are "imminent", because we've already had multiple.

#CDNPoli #BondiBeach #TorontoSun #Halisky
Toronto Sun
December 16, 2025 at 1:14 AM
theemptypress.com
"If you can play, you can play.. with yourself"

#HeatedRivalry #GoHabsGo #LGBTQ #NHL #Halisky
'Heated Rivalry' source of Pavlovian embarrassment after mom orgasms at Habs game - The Empty Press
MONTREAL – A recent Canadiens match was the scene of embarrassment for one mother after the one-ice action combined with her fandom for the steamy new Crave series “Heated Rivalry” led to her experien...
theemptypress.com
December 11, 2025 at 3:11 PM
theemptypress.com
Lovely cushioned header..

#LFC #liverpool
December 8, 2025 at 3:09 PM
theemptypress.com
The best part about self-serve checkouts is not having to feel guilty when I decline to donate to charity.

#SeasonOfKeeping #Halisky
December 6, 2025 at 8:45 PM
theemptypress.com
Whoever's investigating the 0 that student got on her essay, should also probably look in to all of the 100s she claims she received prior to that. Y'know, just to be thorough.

#OU #Oklahoma #academia #HigherEd #Bible
December 6, 2025 at 6:13 PM
theemptypress.com
It's important to remember that, after the Halifax Explosion, our nation didn't respond with widespread calls for internment, travel bans, or deportation of Norwegians.

#Halifax #NovaScotia #CDNPoli #NSPoli #Halisky
December 6, 2025 at 4:05 PM
theemptypress.com
Our condolences to all dads who were hoping Norway would get drawn with the Netherlands.

#WorldCupDraw #Haaland #Holland #DadJokes
December 5, 2025 at 8:47 PM
theemptypress.com
If you want to cite the Bible in a paper, you should first have to acknowledge that Jesus looked like this:

#OU #Oklahoma #academia #HigherEd #Bible
Depiction of Jesus
December 4, 2025 at 5:21 PM
theemptypress.com
"When I was in high school, I used to tell people that my girlfriend was a Nova Scotian meteorologist who had a sweet clue what the fuck was going on"

#NSStorm #NovaScotia #Halifax #Halisky
December 2, 2025 at 6:55 PM
theemptypress.com
Mariko-sama commits seppuku outside offices of Nova Scotia Power

#NSPoli #Shogun #NovaScotia #Halisky
Mariko-sama commits seppuku outside offices of Nova Scotia Power - The Empty Press
HALIFAX – Editor’s Note: It was a shocking scene at sunset, yesterday, when our beloved Toda Mariko took her own life in protest of recent actions at Nova Scotia Power. Out of respect, we print her st...
theemptypress.com
November 30, 2025 at 11:07 PM
theemptypress.com
Colleen Jones was a Nova Scotian institution. She will be missed.

#Halisky
November 25, 2025 at 9:31 PM
theemptypress.com
How is it that the good people of Arizona had their team taken from them, yet that ridiculous organisation in Toronto continues to exist?

#NHL #LeafsForever #GoLeafsGo #Toronto
November 23, 2025 at 4:21 PM
theemptypress.com
We do these things for the greater good.

#Halifax #NovaScotia #Woody #Christmas #Halisky
Season of the Wood - The Empty Press
“The time has come now children!“Hurry please!”, I shout, “Make haste!”Down the steps they all clamber“We have little time to waste!” “Make sure to fill your bellies!“We’ll have no stops for hunger!”P...
theemptypress.com
November 19, 2025 at 7:22 PM
theemptypress.com
Brett Emmons is this generation's Dave Coulier

#TheBeaches #Alanis #Halisky
November 14, 2025 at 10:10 PM
theemptypress.com
"We don't think there are unmarked graves in the place where they beat, raped, and stripped the religious and cultural identity out of children, in a campaign of state-sponsored genocide" isn't the flex you think it is.

#EveryChildMatters #RebelNews
Drea Humphrey on X: "KAMLOOPS 215 “UNMARKED GRAVES.” Why are people who really want there to have been 215 kids’ bodies discovered when they have not, like this? More to come: https://t.co/RpznYVqS8w https://t.co/o7iqY9XBJ8" / X
KAMLOOPS 215 “UNMARKED GRAVES.” Why are people who really want there to have been 215 kids’ bodies discovered when they have not, like this? More to come: https://t.co/RpznYVqS8w https://t.co/o7iqY9XBJ8
x.com
November 14, 2025 at 2:50 PM
theemptypress.com
See, now this is why you need to fund PBS. Y'all missed the episode brought to you by the letter i.

#MuppetsDontRape

#MegynKelly #PBS #Epstein

@balleralert.com
balleralert.com
November 14, 2025 at 12:12 AM
theemptypress.com
"You're telling me they can cram the entirety of Ancient Tokyo into a shopping mall in Nova Scotia, but they can't make a cell phone battery that lasts more than 30 minutes?!"

@halifaxretales.bsky.social
halifaxretales.bsky.social Halifax ReTales @halifaxretales.bsky.social · Nov 13
Edo Japan is open at the Halifax Shopping Centre food court
November 13, 2025 at 2:00 PM