Author | Lightnews

Missy Baker @themissybaker.bsky.social · 6h

I wish Freddy Krueger would enter my dreams. I’d love to get his feedback about what’s going on in there.

Missy Baker @themissybaker.bsky.social · 1d

I really thought by now I’d have had a lot more close calls with giant chandeliers falling from the ceiling and almost killing me.

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Missy Baker @themissybaker.bsky.social · 1d

I just want as much attention as a thong in the early 2000s.

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Missy Baker @themissybaker.bsky.social · 2d

If you told me back in January that by October the White House would look like this… I totally would’ve believed you.

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Missy Baker @themissybaker.bsky.social · 2d

Be myself? You mean the person who bullied me throughout my 20s?

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Missy Baker @themissybaker.bsky.social · 3d

I could never commit to a tattoo. I still haven’t decided where to put the stickers I got in 3rd grade.

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Missy Baker @themissybaker.bsky.social · 4d

I will never forgive my guidance counselors for not letting me know cheesemonger was a possible career path.

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Missy Baker @themissybaker.bsky.social · 5d

The only king I bow to

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Missy Baker @themissybaker.bsky.social · 5d

One of my ancestors fought in the Revolutionary War, and I bet if he was here right now, he’d be so pissed off about what’s happening with the price of wigs.

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Missy Baker @themissybaker.bsky.social · 6d

Say what you will about Michael Myers, he’s definitely getting his 10,000 steps a day.

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Missy Baker @themissybaker.bsky.social · 7d

Chugging caffeine all day so I can stay up all night listening to my dog’s cute little snore.

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Missy Baker @themissybaker.bsky.social · 9d

I’m so emotionally shut down, a Spirit Halloween moved into my soul.

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Missy Baker @themissybaker.bsky.social · 9d

My body’s saying let’s go, but my heart is saying no, no.

a man wearing a plaid jacket and a hat is standing in the snow .

ALT: a man wearing a plaid jacket and a hat is standing in the snow .

media.tenor.com

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Missy Baker @themissybaker.bsky.social · 9d

Is it just me or does the guy playing Ed Gein on Netflix look like Channing Tatum on Tylenol?

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Missy Baker @themissybaker.bsky.social · 10d

Everyone says they’re looking for a partner in crime, but then they get all weird when I break out my shiv.

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Missy Baker @themissybaker.bsky.social · 11d

Horror movies just aren’t hitting the same this year. Michael Myers isn’t nearly as terrifying as the guy who wants to strip away healthcare.

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Missy Baker @themissybaker.bsky.social · 12d

I refuse to use the Nextdoor App. The crimes my neighbors are committing are their own damn business.

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Missy Baker @themissybaker.bsky.social · 13d

People won't remember your salary or how many hours you worked, but they WILL remember how you made your house out of candy to lure kids inside so you could cook and eat them.

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Missy Baker @themissybaker.bsky.social · 13d

I’m so mad I didn’t win the Nobel Peace Prize I could punch someone.

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Missy Baker @themissybaker.bsky.social · 14d

Shocked I was denied the Nobel Peace Prize despite having 3 active beefs, 2 lawsuits, and more than one arch-nemesis.

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Missy Baker @themissybaker.bsky.social · 15d

I’m not responsible for the things I did when I thought we were going to lose Dolly Parton.

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Missy Baker @themissybaker.bsky.social · 16d

AI will never know what it’s like to be a true artist because it can’t experience self-loathing.

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Missy Baker @themissybaker.bsky.social · 17d

Seeing how hard it is to take a good picture of the moon makes me feel better about needing 900 tries to get a decent selfie.

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Missy Baker @themissybaker.bsky.social · 18d

Saw a shirtless, sweaty guy putting up a 12-foot skeleton today and thought, you know, climate change isn’t all bad.

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Missy Baker @themissybaker.bsky.social · 19d

Drinking’s bad, smoking’s bad, going out in the sun is bad. Literally the only joy we have left is making fun of billionaires.

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