Missy Baker
@themissybaker.bsky.social
I write a new joke every day.
I know Scrooge probably had a lot of regrets in life, but I’ll bet his biggest one was not wearing pants the night all those ghosts showed up.
December 11, 2025 at 8:19 AM
I know Scrooge probably had a lot of regrets in life, but I’ll bet his biggest one was not wearing pants the night all those ghosts showed up.
Bad news, Christmas is canceled this year. Someone decided to slap massive tariffs on the North Pole.
December 10, 2025 at 7:29 AM
Bad news, Christmas is canceled this year. Someone decided to slap massive tariffs on the North Pole.
My wish this holiday season is that everyone in the world would stop hating other people and just focus on hating the people I hate.
December 8, 2025 at 6:35 PM
My wish this holiday season is that everyone in the world would stop hating other people and just focus on hating the people I hate.
Frankenstein is a beautiful movie about a sexy, yet cursed creature yearning for love and connection. Like a goth Hot Frosty.
December 8, 2025 at 5:42 PM
Frankenstein is a beautiful movie about a sexy, yet cursed creature yearning for love and connection. Like a goth Hot Frosty.
I'd describe my Christmas decorating style as "Visible From Space."
December 8, 2025 at 12:37 AM
I'd describe my Christmas decorating style as "Visible From Space."
I remember thinking “All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth” was so lame. Now, free dental care is the most thrilling gift I can imagine.
December 7, 2025 at 9:30 AM
I remember thinking “All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth” was so lame. Now, free dental care is the most thrilling gift I can imagine.
Thought I was being moved by the Christmas spirit. Turns out it was just heartburn.
December 6, 2025 at 2:40 PM
Thought I was being moved by the Christmas spirit. Turns out it was just heartburn.
If I could harness the rage I feel when l'm untangling Christmas lights I could power the entire neighborhood.
December 5, 2025 at 8:41 PM
If I could harness the rage I feel when l'm untangling Christmas lights I could power the entire neighborhood.
It’s the last full moon of 2025. If you’re in line to be sacrificed, stay in line!
December 5, 2025 at 9:49 AM
It’s the last full moon of 2025. If you’re in line to be sacrificed, stay in line!
Santa Claus is coming to town! He’s gonna break into your house, eat all your cookies, and make out with your mom. Oh, and by the way, he knows when you’re sleeping and he knows when you’re awake. Merry Christmas!
December 4, 2025 at 10:13 AM
Santa Claus is coming to town! He’s gonna break into your house, eat all your cookies, and make out with your mom. Oh, and by the way, he knows when you’re sleeping and he knows when you’re awake. Merry Christmas!
If you fall asleep while watching a true crime show, it ends up just being a nice story about a woman who lights up a room.
December 4, 2025 at 12:32 AM
If you fall asleep while watching a true crime show, it ends up just being a nice story about a woman who lights up a room.
Get off my damn lawn!
December 3, 2025 at 5:33 PM
Get off my damn lawn!
If you have visions of sugar plums dancing in your head, put down the egg nog, you’re drunk!
December 3, 2025 at 10:19 AM
If you have visions of sugar plums dancing in your head, put down the egg nog, you’re drunk!
If you think you're stressed you should see the elastic on my sweatpants.
December 3, 2025 at 10:08 AM
If you think you're stressed you should see the elastic on my sweatpants.
They should do an end-of-year recap for true crime. This year you watched 14 decapitations, 27 cold cases, 2 killer clowns, and 376 murdering husbands.
December 2, 2025 at 8:49 AM
They should do an end-of-year recap for true crime. This year you watched 14 decapitations, 27 cold cases, 2 killer clowns, and 376 murdering husbands.
If you’re still eating Thanksgiving leftovers, it’s time to move on. It’s what the turkey would have wanted.
December 1, 2025 at 7:51 PM
If you’re still eating Thanksgiving leftovers, it’s time to move on. It’s what the turkey would have wanted.
Anyone who says “Happy Monday” the Monday after a four-day weekend cannot be trusted.
December 1, 2025 at 2:05 PM
Anyone who says “Happy Monday” the Monday after a four-day weekend cannot be trusted.
Just gonna be honest, I hate Frosty. Why are you asking if I’m married when you came to life 2 seconds ago? Worry about yourself, snow man!
November 29, 2025 at 10:11 PM
Just gonna be honest, I hate Frosty. Why are you asking if I’m married when you came to life 2 seconds ago? Worry about yourself, snow man!
Sure, parents were neglectful in the 80s, but they showed their love in different ways, like head-butting the weaker parents so you could get a Cabbage Patch Kid.
November 28, 2025 at 10:15 PM
Sure, parents were neglectful in the 80s, but they showed their love in different ways, like head-butting the weaker parents so you could get a Cabbage Patch Kid.
Thanksgiving tip for dealing with your family: create enough drama that you don’t get invited back for Christmas.
November 28, 2025 at 8:11 AM
Thanksgiving tip for dealing with your family: create enough drama that you don’t get invited back for Christmas.
I used to get blackout drunk the night before Thanksgiving. The wildest thing I did this year was pay full price for Tums.
November 27, 2025 at 8:01 AM
I used to get blackout drunk the night before Thanksgiving. The wildest thing I did this year was pay full price for Tums.
I love texting. It gives me so much more time to obsess over what someone meant by their text.
November 26, 2025 at 8:45 AM
I love texting. It gives me so much more time to obsess over what someone meant by their text.
Them: What’s up?
Me: *heart pounding outside my chest with anxiety* Nothing, just chillin’
Me: *heart pounding outside my chest with anxiety* Nothing, just chillin’
November 25, 2025 at 6:18 AM
Them: What’s up?
Me: *heart pounding outside my chest with anxiety* Nothing, just chillin’
Me: *heart pounding outside my chest with anxiety* Nothing, just chillin’
Thanksgiving’s the worst holiday, because it’s the only one where you eat the mascot. Christmas would lose a lot of the magic if Santa’s leg was served on a platter with gravy.
November 24, 2025 at 9:12 AM
Thanksgiving’s the worst holiday, because it’s the only one where you eat the mascot. Christmas would lose a lot of the magic if Santa’s leg was served on a platter with gravy.
Night owls don’t get the credit they deserve. Without them, early risers would have no one to feel superior to
November 23, 2025 at 8:45 AM
Night owls don’t get the credit they deserve. Without them, early risers would have no one to feel superior to