From “I do” to “I’m stuck in popcorn” — Kansas weather just premiered the world’s first buttery disaster film. 45 guests drowned in GMO goodness, but at least the kids got snacks.
BREAKING: L.A. Times becomes X Times! Elon Musk just bought the Los Angeles Times and slapped a 280-character limit on all online stories—because apparently, nuance is overrated. Musk's empire grows. Read: tinyurl.com/t6kf859c
Elon Musk? “Keep your pants on and launch rockets.” Trump wants to revoke Rosie O’Donnell’s citizenship. Critics: What about Melania’s questionable path to hers? MAGA: “Nudes are tasteful.”
Clausewitz. Sun Tzu. Keegan. All banned from DoD schools for not being American authors. 596 titles pulled—many LGBTQ+ themed. Censorship disguised as patriotism?
Hasn’t seen a doctor in 15 years. Diagnoses himself with Google, ibuprofen, and vibes. Leg swelled? Water. Chest pain? VapoRub. If ignorance is bliss, this man’s in perfect health.
Sold out in minutes—on our last day open. Turns out all we needed was bankruptcy and 95% off. Reopened as Basically Free. Still empty. Except for one guy asking for Wi-Fi.
F. Scott Fitzgerald will appear at a Great Gatsby centenary event, allegedly still alive. The explanation: longevity treatments, low heart rate, and no sense of narrative closure.
White House to send Tommy guns to Ukraine. Apparently, modern problems require antique solutions. Because who needs drones when you’ve got gangster chic?
Just America doing what it does best: solving 2025 with ideas from 1925.
Trevor Hanley yelled “$5 for a drink? I hate this country.” A guy agreed. Then said ISIS was just early to the revolution and showed off his vest. Hanley now drives with 3 American flags and salutes stop signs.
Portugal’s FM Paulo Rangel just proposed renaming NATO to TONA (Treaty Organization of the North Atlantic) “because it sounds better.” Macron’s on board, Trump’s team says he might be, and Rangel? “I was bored.”
TSA says keep your shoes on—not for safety, but for survival. “The smell was unbelievable,” one worker said after being hospitalized by a barefoot traveler’s biohazard.
Feds storm MacArthur Park armed with… trash bags? What began as tension turned into the tidiest day in LA history. Even Mayor Bass couldn't resist the sparkle.
The Breakfast Club traded angst for appetizers as they reunited for lunch. Emilio made it. So did the club sandwich. Everyone’s still weird, just richer. Read: tinyurl.com/mw48v8kc
New immigration status alert: “Half Way In.” Undocumented workers can stay, pay taxes, but receive no rights—as long as they serve Trump’s voter base. Read: tinyurl.com/mwmcweyx
Marco Rubio accidentally flagged himself for deportation under his own anti-immigrant algorithm. Spoke Spanish mid-rant. Staff marked it: “Monitor closely, speaks like he has cousins.” Read: tinyurl.com/2vd6w66s
SEPTA bans woman for smelling like apple pie. New "Code of Suffering" ensures riders arrive drenched in sorrow—and questionable aromas. Scented optimism will not be tolerated on Philly’s public transit.
SCOTUS joins X to announce rulings. Thomas asks for 10 advisors to learn social media. Sotomayor dissents—with a perfect 280-char jab. Musk spotted celebrating outside the Court. The Constitution will now be interpreted... in threads. Read: tinyurl.com/c2bwpjpk #SupremeCourt#ClarenceOnTikTok
In a bold strategy to recover from a Super Bowl loss, the Kansas City Chiefs are reviving Bo Jackson—63 years old and now partially robot. The NFL may not be ready, but Bo is. Again. For some reason. Read: tinyurl.com/5ap2x4fy
