Clearly our justice system has become politicized. One need only look at the relentless investigations of those dedicated to moving the nation towards the autocratic-theocratic-kleptocratic ideal to which we all aspire. I therefore decriminalize criminality. Problem solved.

To that end, I declare that all of us are now able to testify before a congressional confirmation committee. No matter how entrenched our past behaviors, testimony before a congressional committee is the fastest way to change our values, and to ensure we will never exhibit those behaviors again.

But there is one simple and true path that seems open to very few of us, and results in true and lasting reform, according to those who have gone through it. I want all of us to have this option available, to truly, finally, and irrevocably change our fundamental selves….

In my time on this earth I have seen how easy it is to develop issues of addiction and abuse, and how very hard it is to break free from destructive habits. Recovery may be one of the most difficult things we go through, with many relapses along the way….

the best defense is a strong offense. I cannot think of anyone more offensive than Pete. Our military will be in his hands, and he promises that now his hands will more often be in his pockets.

Though we have never met face to face, from my many productive hours watching Fox I feel an intimate connection with Pete Hegseth. As any armchair Monday night-Thursday night-Friday night-Saturday-Sunday quarterback knows,

Today I cleared my driveway of ice and made a sculpture dedicated to Elon Musk and all my friends at DOGE.
It is titled “I hate government; how did George Soros make it snow like this in Kentucky?”

I am writing today about my old friend Stephen Miller, the alum that even Duke wants to disavow. Stephen seems to have his hand on the pulse of every cadaver in our great land. Can’t wait to watch him make us great again.

From today until such time I may declare, the words ethical, empathetic, any of the ‘moral’ based words without the suffixes a- and im-, are herein eliminated.

Many people say that I am beautiful with language, even the best ever languagistically. Exorcising that special talent with which I am so amply endowed, today I am permanently decommissioning a group of words which are now meaningless, inappropriate, and hard to spell….

while eating my 3am hamburger, I accepted outgoing Premier Justin Trudeau’s gift of Canada, at least the good parts, not the moosey parts, unless there is any oil under the moose. My DOGE guys suggested saving money on changing letterhead, so I appointed Gary Trudeau CEO of Canadian Good Parts.

I’m a little tired from yesterday’s activity. My only official proclamation today is to appoint Aileen Cannon Queen of Azerbijan.

Today I acquired Greenland, shot 8 under par, and changed the name of the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of Karp. I’m just getting started.