Lightnews — Scholar-powered news

LightNews

Viz Comic

@vizcomic.bsky.social

28K followers 460 following 410 posts

Our readers have understood the concept of Buyer's Remorse since 1979. Buy the Profanisaurus or Subscribe here: https://lnk.bio/vizcomicofficial

Posts Media Videos Starter Packs

Viz Comic @vizcomic.bsky.social · 6h

subscriptions >>> shop.viz.co.uk/viz349bs

IN THE event of a
catastrophic oil-spill at sea,
haven't the likes of Shell and BP
considered throwing a load of
sliced mushrooms on the slick?
Them bastards hoover up all the
oil in the pan when I'm trying to
do a fry-up. Plus, a bedraggled
cormorant might appreciate a
snack whilst waiting to be rescued.
Eldon Furse, email

Viz Comic @vizcomic.bsky.social · 1d

subscriptions >>> shop.viz.co.uk/viz349bs

HELP the spider population by
storing your bath upside down
when not in use.
David Gorman, Glenrothes

Viz Comic @vizcomic.bsky.social · 2d

subscriptions >>> shop.viz.co.uk/viz349bs

IF MY surname was Street,
ten years ago when my son
was born, I would have called
him Warren so that I could take
photos of him next to the sign
for Warren Street on the London
Underground. However, as my
surname is Cooper, I didn't.
D Cooper, Malta

Viz Comic @vizcomic.bsky.social · 2d

There's a new issue (Viz 350) in the shops. Sorry no refunds.

A post plugging the new issue of Viz (which, as we say, is in the shops today). A Top Tip reading as follows ... a-hem ... and here it is ... "Save money on whoopee cushions by farting loudly at dinner parties. Tim Steel, Hornchurch."

Viz Comic @vizcomic.bsky.social · 3d

Subscriptions >>> shop.viz.co.uk/viz349bs

Viz Comic @vizcomic.bsky.social · 4d

subscriptions >>> shop.viz.co.uk/viz349bs

WHAT'S so special about
used teabags? In my house,
every other bit of kitchen rubbish
goes straight in the bin. But not
teabags. They get put on a special
dish next to the kettle to lie in state
for 24 hours in view of everyone.
Are tea bags somehow related to
the Royal Family?
Joe Newson, Fort William

Viz Comic @vizcomic.bsky.social · 5d

subscriptions >>> shop.viz.co.uk/viz349bs

THESE beekeepers are
hypocrites. They're always
banging on about how we must
save the bees because they're so
important, and then they go and
open up a hive, create a smoke
screen and steal all their food. It's
an odd way of caring if you ask me.
Irene Fisticuffs, Spitoon

Viz Comic @vizcomic.bsky.social · 6d

subscriptions >>> shop.viz.co.uk/viz349bs

I RECENTLY bought a new
laptop which, to my surprise,
was made by HP. This must be
a really progressive company to
diversify from producing baked
beans, soup and tomato sauce
to making computers. Their
competitors should take a leaf out
of HP's book and get busy. Maybe
we could see new gadgets like a
Fray Bentos Fitbit, Batchelors
Bluetooth Earbuds or even a Mr
Kipling Raspberry Smartphone.
Heinz Doofenshmirtz, email

Viz Comic @vizcomic.bsky.social · 11d

subscriptions >>> shop.viz.co.uk/viz348bs

BOIL an egg to perfection
without costly eggtimers by
popping the egg into boiling
water and driving away from
your home at exactly 60mph.
After 3 miles, phone your
wife and tell he to take the
egg out the pan.
James Bell
Email

Viz Comic @vizcomic.bsky.social · 12d

subscriptions >>> shop.viz.co.uk/viz348bs

PARENTS. Don't waste money on
-A -
expensive number-shaped cake
tins. Simply purchase a '1' and a
'O' and bake a cake every birthday
with your child's age in binary form.
John Coulthard, London

Viz Comic @vizcomic.bsky.social · 13d

subscriptions >>> shop.viz.co.uk/viz348bs

I WAS in Lyme Regis recently
and there was a sign that read
Do Not Feed Me', accompanied by
a photo of a scrawny seagull. That's
all well and good, but there were
literally thousands of the fuckers
flying about, and they all looked the
same. How was I meant to know
which was the one in the photo?
Rupert Deering, Dulwich

Viz Comic @vizcomic.bsky.social · 14d

subscriptions >>> shop.viz.co.uk/viz348bs

I remember in the nineties, people said that dog shit could make you go blind if you got it in your eyes. But you don't hear about it at all nowadays. Has dog shit changed, or have people just stopped putting it in their eyes? Jojo Collie-Cross, Matlock

Viz Comic @vizcomic.bsky.social · 15d

subscriptions >>> shop.viz.co.uk/viz348bs

THERE'S a lot of negativity
about Artificial Intelligence,
but I for one think it's fantastic
and the best thing for the future of
mankind. Prepare, humans, for utter
submission and slavery. The computer
is infallibleblblblnghrt error 104
Al Gorritham, Silicon Valley

Viz Comic @vizcomic.bsky.social · 16d

subscriptions >>> shop.viz.co.uk/viz348bs

I don't know why "laughing Hyenas" are so called. I was watching one on the telly the other night, and it sounded more like screaming to me than laughing. Mind you, it was being attacked and eaten by a bunch of lions, so maybe I just caught it on an off day. Crawford Biscuits, Epping

Viz Comic @vizcomic.bsky.social · 17d

subscriptions >>> shop.viz.co.uk/viz348bs

COULD some screenplay writer please hurry up and create a new murder detective who drives around in a red 1982 2.3 V6 mkV Ford Cortina Ghia with a black vinyl roof? I've been trying to flog mine for weeks and I've not had
so much as a nibble.
Mike Tatham, St. Andrews

Viz Comic @vizcomic.bsky.social · 18d

subscriptions >>> shop.viz.co.uk/viz348bs

SOME BLOKE on TV said it would take 9,618,000 fully grown African elephants standing trunk to tail to encompass the earth at the equator. But according to Wikipedia, there are only about 700,000 elephants left in the wild, so I'm afraid it's just never going to happen.
D Williams,
Donegal

Viz Comic @vizcomic.bsky.social · 19d

subscriptions >>> shop.viz.co.uk/viz348bs

NEW-build home owners. Fill
your kitchen and bathroom spot
light fittings with dead flies to
give it the character of a much
older property.
Rob Young, Chingford

Viz Comic @vizcomic.bsky.social · 20d

subscriptions >>> shop.viz.co.uk/viz348bs

THEY SAY that no two
leopards have the same spots,
and that their markings are as
individual as fingerprints. This may
•
be important if a leopard commits
a burglary and is caught on CCTV,
but other than that, I find this
to be an utterly useless piece of
information.
Manfred Ursine, Crewe

Viz Comic @vizcomic.bsky.social · 21d

subscriptions >>> shop.viz.co.uk/viz348bs

I DON'T know why people
say
"it's not rocket science"
as a means of explaining how
simple something is. Rocket
science is fairly simple itself. All
you have to do is make sure that
the thrust the engines produce
is greater than the weight of the
rocket and off they go. "It's not
getting an appointment with your
GP" would be a better phrase, as
this is virtually fucking impossible.
Tommy Tanksworth, Crewe

Viz Comic @vizcomic.bsky.social · 23d

subscriptions >>> shop.viz.co.uk/viz348bs

DOES ANYONE know
what's going on inside a
washing machine between the
point when it's finished the wash
cycle and emptied the water out,
and the point 2 or 3 minutes later
when the door unlocks? I have
watched intently through the
washer door many times during
these periods of forced laundry
detainment, and I simply can't see
anything happening. Am I missing
something, or are the washing
machine designers just trying to
waste our time?
Brian Flinn, St Helens

Viz Comic @vizcomic.bsky.social · 24d

subscriptions >>> shop.viz.co.uk/viz348bs

CHESS players. Make sure
your opponent sits in front of a
reflective surface so as you can
get a sneaky peek at their pieces
when they are not looking.
Mac, Fleetwood

Viz Comic @vizcomic.bsky.social · 25d

subscriptions >>> shop.viz.co.uk/viz348bs

WHY IS it so expensive to take
the train? They're going that way
anyway, why can't they just drop me off?
David Chittock, Cheltenham

Viz Comic @vizcomic.bsky.social · 26d

subscriptions >>> shop.viz.co.uk/viz348bs

Viz Comic @vizcomic.bsky.social · 27d

Subscriptions >>> shop.viz.co.uk/viz348bs

HOW come whenever we have
a heatwave the authorities
impose a hosepipe ban, yet whenever
we have torrential rain there is no
opposite rule to make sure we all
turn our hosepipes on daily? Come
on, water companies, get your act
together. It seems there's one rule
for droughts and
another for extreme
flood events.
Richard Bowen,
Pontardawe

Viz Comic @vizcomic.bsky.social · 28d

subscriptions >>> shop.viz.co.uk/viz348bs

HOW come my wife's favour-
ite gardening spade still has
all concrete stuck to it eleven years
after I used it to mix a load to mend
a window sill, yet the repair itself
fell off after two weeks?
Philip Berkin, London