Aaron Hertzog
@aaronhertzog.bsky.social
Comedian. Writer. Friend.
aaronhertzog.com
aaronhertzog.com
I spent my birthday writing 3000 words about my favorite Christmas songs...
My favorite Christmas songs, categorized and kinda ranked
It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year...will not make this list, but I agree with the sentiment.
open.substack.com
December 20, 2025 at 3:13 AM
I spent my birthday writing 3000 words about my favorite Christmas songs...
Hell yeah, brother.
December 19, 2025 at 4:20 AM
Hell yeah, brother.
hey, app i have to use to clock in and out for work, how about you never pull this crap again
December 12, 2025 at 6:02 PM
hey, app i have to use to clock in and out for work, how about you never pull this crap again
This is the greatest thing I have ever written.
A way-too-far deep dive into my favorite lyric in the song 'You're a Mean One Mr. Grinch"
Because if I can't do something like this on Substack what am I even here for?
open.substack.com
December 9, 2025 at 6:57 PM
This is the greatest thing I have ever written.
somebody do a wellness check on this guy’s baby!
Jimmy Fallon: "And do you use ChatGPT when raising your baby?"
Sam Altman: "I cannot imagine figuring out how to raise a newborn without ChatGPT."
Sam Altman: "I cannot imagine figuring out how to raise a newborn without ChatGPT."
December 9, 2025 at 4:33 PM
somebody do a wellness check on this guy’s baby!
hate to be the guy nitpicking lyrics in a song for children but being well-behaved in exchange for the promise of gifts from an all-knowing santa is less being "good for goodness' sake" and more of a quid pro quo
December 8, 2025 at 12:03 AM
hate to be the guy nitpicking lyrics in a song for children but being well-behaved in exchange for the promise of gifts from an all-knowing santa is less being "good for goodness' sake" and more of a quid pro quo
i pulled up to a parking meter that was decorated for christmas but wasn’t free and somebody needs to send three ghosts to whoever did that
December 7, 2025 at 5:20 AM
i pulled up to a parking meter that was decorated for christmas but wasn’t free and somebody needs to send three ghosts to whoever did that
While we’re all talking about edits on HBO because of Mad Men…seriously how much did Starbucks pay them to put that cup in the last season of Game of Thrones and then to pretend it was a mistake and that they didn’t get paid?
December 4, 2025 at 6:55 PM
While we’re all talking about edits on HBO because of Mad Men…seriously how much did Starbucks pay them to put that cup in the last season of Game of Thrones and then to pretend it was a mistake and that they didn’t get paid?
Have You Heard about this so-called "Millennial Optimism Era?"
Have You Heard about this so-called "Millennial Optimism Era?"
Apparently, Gen-Z is jealous of the times we had in the early 2010s...
open.substack.com
December 3, 2025 at 11:38 PM
Have You Heard about this so-called "Millennial Optimism Era?"
got one million $ of car repair and vet bills if anybody would like to become a premium subscriber to my writing that would be cool
December 1, 2025 at 10:48 PM
got one million $ of car repair and vet bills if anybody would like to become a premium subscriber to my writing that would be cool
i've started to notice a disturbing trend in the way these christmas song people treat their horses
November 28, 2025 at 5:14 PM
i've started to notice a disturbing trend in the way these christmas song people treat their horses
here's a post that pretends to be about a sandwich but is actually about friendship
The Greatest Sandwich Ever Created: the Chicken Finger Supreme Hoagie
Sometimes I miss this sandwich so much it hurts.
aaronhertzog.substack.com
November 17, 2025 at 7:20 PM
here's a post that pretends to be about a sandwich but is actually about friendship
I bet this time of the year really eats up the ad guy who came up with “a december to remember” cause people gotta wait a couple weeks for that while happy hondadays cannot be held back by the restraints of the calendar
November 16, 2025 at 6:38 PM
I bet this time of the year really eats up the ad guy who came up with “a december to remember” cause people gotta wait a couple weeks for that while happy hondadays cannot be held back by the restraints of the calendar
if you sign up for my mailing list TODAY i will:
write 1 post on any topic you'd like (free subs)
write three 3 posts on any topic(s) you'd like (paid subs)
if you're already subscribed i will write 1/3 post(s) for every new subscriber you refer (plus 1/3 for them)
aaronhertzog.substack.com
write 1 post on any topic you'd like (free subs)
write three 3 posts on any topic(s) you'd like (paid subs)
if you're already subscribed i will write 1/3 post(s) for every new subscriber you refer (plus 1/3 for them)
aaronhertzog.substack.com
Have You Heard This? | Aaron Hertzog | Substack
Humor writing, original comedy content, pop culture analysis, and more from comedian and friend Aaron Hertzog. Click to read "Have You Heard This?", by Aaron Hertzog, a Substack publication with hundr...
aaronhertzog.substack.com
November 4, 2025 at 6:38 PM
if you sign up for my mailing list TODAY i will:
write 1 post on any topic you'd like (free subs)
write three 3 posts on any topic(s) you'd like (paid subs)
if you're already subscribed i will write 1/3 post(s) for every new subscriber you refer (plus 1/3 for them)
aaronhertzog.substack.com
write 1 post on any topic you'd like (free subs)
write three 3 posts on any topic(s) you'd like (paid subs)
if you're already subscribed i will write 1/3 post(s) for every new subscriber you refer (plus 1/3 for them)
aaronhertzog.substack.com
remember in like 2012 you could post something like "i wonder if an hvac guy ever knocked on a door and said 'i just stopped by to see what condition your conditioner's in'" and people would be like "genius" and "you, good sir, have won the internet"
November 4, 2025 at 4:49 PM
remember in like 2012 you could post something like "i wonder if an hvac guy ever knocked on a door and said 'i just stopped by to see what condition your conditioner's in'" and people would be like "genius" and "you, good sir, have won the internet"
Here's a story about how my wife and I were probably almost murdered on the night before our wedding.
The Night(mare) before my Wedding
"Some day this will be a funny story." - My Wife (while crying)
open.substack.com
November 1, 2025 at 4:02 PM
Here's a story about how my wife and I were probably almost murdered on the night before our wedding.
I do what I do because nobody else was doing it. Simple as that. There's no passion behind it. I just saw an opening and I took it. Like how some people run businesses that provide portable toilets to construction sites and outdoor events. Do you think that's their passion? I sure as hell hope not.
The So-Called "Angel of Death Cat" Would Like to Explain Himself — Aaron Hertzog
"The one downfall of my chosen career path is that people tend to avoid me..."
www.aaronhertzog.com
October 27, 2025 at 5:09 PM
I do what I do because nobody else was doing it. Simple as that. There's no passion behind it. I just saw an opening and I took it. Like how some people run businesses that provide portable toilets to construction sites and outdoor events. Do you think that's their passion? I sure as hell hope not.
Can you imagine being one of those cats that can tell when somebody is gonna die once word gets out about your powers? Every time you try to get a little skritch, people run away from you, thinking you're alerting them of their doom. Dang.
October 27, 2025 at 4:52 PM
Can you imagine being one of those cats that can tell when somebody is gonna die once word gets out about your powers? Every time you try to get a little skritch, people run away from you, thinking you're alerting them of their doom. Dang.
Real missed opportunity by the Buffalo Bills to not play Goodbye Horses after every touchdown.
October 21, 2025 at 6:24 PM
Real missed opportunity by the Buffalo Bills to not play Goodbye Horses after every touchdown.
AI sucks fat hog for so many reasons but one I haven’t seen shit on enough is how it plays into dumbass meme culture. One talentless dummy does a “what if this rap song was a doo-wop song?” and then a hundred thousand other useless idiots are also like “what if THIS rap song was a doo-wop song too?”
October 10, 2025 at 7:49 PM
AI sucks fat hog for so many reasons but one I haven’t seen shit on enough is how it plays into dumbass meme culture. One talentless dummy does a “what if this rap song was a doo-wop song?” and then a hundred thousand other useless idiots are also like “what if THIS rap song was a doo-wop song too?”
Hey team, I really appreciate your daily invitations to have lunch with you all. At this point, you must be wondering why I have never taken you up on your offer, and I just want to explain myself before things get too weird.
I can’t go to Sweetgreen with you because I can’t cheat on my wife.
I can’t go to Sweetgreen with you because I can’t cheat on my wife.
I can't go to Sweetgreen with you because I can't cheat on my wife — Aaron Hertzog
My partner and I make our own rules. And we draw the line at fast caszh.
www.aaronhertzog.com
October 10, 2025 at 6:35 PM
Hey team, I really appreciate your daily invitations to have lunch with you all. At this point, you must be wondering why I have never taken you up on your offer, and I just want to explain myself before things get too weird.
I can’t go to Sweetgreen with you because I can’t cheat on my wife.
I can’t go to Sweetgreen with you because I can’t cheat on my wife.
Y2K is back at Taco Bell for all you nostalgic 40-year-old millennials whose digestive systems definitely are not
October 8, 2025 at 10:04 PM
Y2K is back at Taco Bell for all you nostalgic 40-year-old millennials whose digestive systems definitely are not
did you know that the average american family is just one single unexpected trip to the grocery store away from financial ruin?
October 5, 2025 at 8:14 PM
did you know that the average american family is just one single unexpected trip to the grocery store away from financial ruin?
i wrote a humor article about the classical music of Aaron Copland in case that kind of thing is for anybody at all in the whole entire world
October 3, 2025 at 5:18 PM
i wrote a humor article about the classical music of Aaron Copland in case that kind of thing is for anybody at all in the whole entire world