Easier said than done, of course, in the big 2026.

Control, or the feeling of control, over one’s life seems to be an important psychological need. The ability to make decisions without fear of punishment or suffering, that reflex in the back of your mind, is precious.

It nourishes a sense of agency and opens paths to self-fulfilment.

Perhaps I live for nothing but self-indulgence. All else is a facade to fulfil obligations.

reminiscent of buddhist teaching, to lead a meaningful life rather than let your cravings lead you

Ichiko Aoba - 雨 (Tribute to clammbon)

I wonder to myself how emotionally stunted and numbed I am. It’s as if I am merely feeling the emotions I am “supposed to feel”.

Half of my mind yearns to feel, passionately. The other half is avoidant of the burden of emotional labour and maintenance and pain.

嗚咽と歓喜の名乗り歌 - Tenniscoats

*’the other’ arm, not ‘another’

I maintain that I do not think it’s good to romanticise misery in this way. I continue to do so regardless. lol

One late night, I sit leaning against the wall. One arm resting on one knee, another swishing around a drink. With a deep breath and a sigh, I quiet my mind for a moment. Faintly, the moonlight guides a trail of ants up the side of the well.

A bittersweetness still lingers.