I guess I just want the muppets to do sincere performances of horror classics

What about Dracula. The main character is usually a human, but John Harker/Kermit and Mina/Miss Piggy is a layup. I think Dracula would have to be human in that case. I think Honeydew should be dr seward instead of van helsing, so he'd be human too? I don't know who else would fit. (Maybe fozzie?)

Victor would probably have to be kermit or one of the other big muppets, but it think it would be interesting to have honeydew and beaker doing a serious character arc

Or an umbrella that can withstand even a slight breeze

Poker face is great because the protagonist is not affiliated with law enforcement at all, and in fact it's in her best interest to keep a low profile, but she just can't help herself but stick her nose inevery time and it's great.
Knives out is better but I want to be Natasha Lyonne, so

One thing I really like about these movies is that their definition of justice extends further than "killer goes to jail for a long time".
I've always loved murder mysteries but as I've gotten older I've grown frustrated with most stories ending with the bad guy getting arrested and that's it.

Yep

Bloodborne ass shillelagh

Ven has canon platforms but I wanted to spice it up a bit so here's a platform!