Fuck I’m so glad I EVER existed, right?

But seriously, my whole life, and this is what happened, so if I can’t finish, that’s all it amounts to.

Pointless, just agonizing sequences for decades. And then no one else can even benefit in any way?

Crisis mode, but it takes like an hour to write out?

Well, let alone my being on the verge of finally moving, which would led to the reveal that accidentally happened anyway.

Yeah… I wasn’t going to react that way anyway. Hell, I still didn’t.

Not to THAT. I was never even known at all for such an assumption to be made, clearly. How pointless…

the presentations prior that otherwise conflicted with what I just saw play out mostly in response to missing the date.

Arriving too soon even, so obviously my intent was there, but a collapsed ego wants what it wants, exactly, I guess, and that’s all that’ll ever matter.

Because I missed it.

Definitely won’t be forgiven for leveling the same amount of sadism in my rage response as I misperceived at that time to have been leveled at me all along; as otherwise it all didn’t make sense yet.

My perceptive distortion in that split and only having seen

I won’t be forgiven for my complete break down that caused me to lose all executive functioning by that point, near fully dissociative when not spiraling out of control for 2 weeks in both familial grief and pending abandonment terror. Which I was right about tho I didn’t know why, and kept inside.

I’m so exhausted. I just want to upload it all directly from my brain.

I don’t want it to all be for nothing.

Even though I’m not even a grain of sand in the sea of space-time-existence. On scale, I need it to have meant something, even though it’ll never be enough.

I’m so tired, anemic and pale, my bones hurt especially my back, hypercalcemic stomach pain and now 24/7 frequent urination impacting sleep… the infections, fevers…

How am
I going to finish my work? Maybe the 1rst book, but the 2nd is even more important.

There is no finished monument without it.

Of course, the saddest part is that most of the adults being addressed are still in that survival, self unaware state, themselves.

It’s not gloating to say it.

Life is short. What are your priorities really doing for you?

How have your own reflexive decisions made your life better?

(I’m really not like Eve, generally, but these two scenes are what it’s like, probably, but add a whole different flavor of chaos and fusion around it.)

True. She played Queen Clementine of the Spotless Mind, anyway.

Anyway, I’m tired.

And I know, so there’s no point to the way things are, even as a dwindling ‘power exchange game’ that no one wins.

Rest tonight, if you can.

At least, I’ll stop *looking directly at the camera* in public like this. Although, I obviously don’t give a FUCK how unhinged I look / am or my image because of it. Nor do I think anyone else cares if I have one way conversations.

These days, who doesn’t have problems?

Maybe next time, you’ll believe you are worth it instead, know it’s real for me and this end won’t repeat.

I saw your recent footprints again tonight.

But if you want me to think otherwise, you can’t stay in the shadows of preemptive, final .

And yes, then I’ll finally shut up.

Don’t flip that last sentence. Or any. I don’t chase, I stay where I am, creating.

Because I know, even if you don’t, that you waste each second for a # of reasons that matter most to you, this time.

But they are all based in something untrue you believe that doesn’t apply from me. Not for you.