Santa raging at Magic City rn, take the under on your kid’s Christmas presents
October 17, 2025 at 4:36 AM
Santa raging at Magic City rn, take the under on your kid’s Christmas presents
A partnership between the NBA and Hot Ones: the ball squirts hot sauce into your eye if it magnetically senses stat padding
August 7, 2025 at 6:44 AM
A partnership between the NBA and Hot Ones: the ball squirts hot sauce into your eye if it magnetically senses stat padding
Pitcher put googly eyes on the ball and now I can’t swing because I put empath on my resume
August 7, 2025 at 6:39 AM
Pitcher put googly eyes on the ball and now I can’t swing because I put empath on my resume
*Flop sweating on a live CNN panel* “Well getting famous for hand-farting Transatlanticism on IG reels has…”
June 25, 2025 at 5:12 PM
*Flop sweating on a live CNN panel* “Well getting famous for hand-farting Transatlanticism on IG reels has…”
“If you can’t beat em, join em!” I say windmill dunking on my own basket to lose the NBA finals. I am drawn and quartered at Madison Square Garden.
May 31, 2025 at 6:58 PM
“If you can’t beat em, join em!” I say windmill dunking on my own basket to lose the NBA finals. I am drawn and quartered at Madison Square Garden.
Chick Corea sounds like what my grandpa would call Sandra Oh
May 31, 2025 at 4:44 AM
Chick Corea sounds like what my grandpa would call Sandra Oh
With the 113th pick in the 2025 NFL draft, the New Orleans Saints select my guy Chase who lost his job scamming tourists and really needs a win right now
April 27, 2025 at 7:48 AM
With the 113th pick in the 2025 NFL draft, the New Orleans Saints select my guy Chase who lost his job scamming tourists and really needs a win right now
Punching up my conversation by misusing prehistoric eras as adjectives
“He had a cretaceous wit”
“I’m sensing mesozoic hues in this cabernet”
“A cambrian observation Mr. President!”
“He had a cretaceous wit”
“I’m sensing mesozoic hues in this cabernet”
“A cambrian observation Mr. President!”
April 27, 2025 at 6:27 AM
Punching up my conversation by misusing prehistoric eras as adjectives
“He had a cretaceous wit”
“I’m sensing mesozoic hues in this cabernet”
“A cambrian observation Mr. President!”
“He had a cretaceous wit”
“I’m sensing mesozoic hues in this cabernet”
“A cambrian observation Mr. President!”
If Bob Dylan could end the Vietnam war with a Gibson J-50 then surely I can bucket drum my way out of this fixed mortgage rate
April 3, 2025 at 4:24 AM
If Bob Dylan could end the Vietnam war with a Gibson J-50 then surely I can bucket drum my way out of this fixed mortgage rate
Find out which friends fear death by asking them if the loss of human consciousness is a dissolution or an awakening. Or wake them up with a firecracker in a gatorade bottle. Same result
March 31, 2025 at 1:48 AM
Find out which friends fear death by asking them if the loss of human consciousness is a dissolution or an awakening. Or wake them up with a firecracker in a gatorade bottle. Same result
I wish cruise ships would bring back steerage so I could dance with Irish fiddlers after losing $2k to a Dolly Parton slot machine
March 31, 2025 at 1:17 AM
I wish cruise ships would bring back steerage so I could dance with Irish fiddlers after losing $2k to a Dolly Parton slot machine
Air Bud: Mixed Martial Arfs
March 20, 2025 at 6:27 AM
Air Bud: Mixed Martial Arfs
Took the Limitless pill and replaced Punxsutawney Phil for the entire 2010s
March 20, 2025 at 6:23 AM
Took the Limitless pill and replaced Punxsutawney Phil for the entire 2010s
A driver’s test wheelie should guarantee Valhalla
March 9, 2025 at 8:10 AM
A driver’s test wheelie should guarantee Valhalla
Pulled down my oxygen mask to choke out “call me MJ because I got air in court” and the jury laughed me all the way to quintuple life sentences
March 7, 2025 at 7:13 AM
Pulled down my oxygen mask to choke out “call me MJ because I got air in court” and the jury laughed me all the way to quintuple life sentences
(a fixer enrolling a dead body in clown college) “this is how people disappear…according to dad 😞”
March 7, 2025 at 6:27 AM
(a fixer enrolling a dead body in clown college) “this is how people disappear…according to dad 😞”
Joel Embiid out for the season with a torn imbruglia
March 2, 2025 at 3:33 AM
Joel Embiid out for the season with a torn imbruglia
American 70s band: “we sexually poisoned so many hotel pools the hilton brought us to the hague”
British 70s band, describing an identical situation: “bit of a dusty in ‘73. but the pound was strong”
British 70s band, describing an identical situation: “bit of a dusty in ‘73. but the pound was strong”
March 1, 2025 at 8:54 PM
American 70s band: “we sexually poisoned so many hotel pools the hilton brought us to the hague”
British 70s band, describing an identical situation: “bit of a dusty in ‘73. but the pound was strong”
British 70s band, describing an identical situation: “bit of a dusty in ‘73. but the pound was strong”
Save money on your next waterboarding by lighting a rain-scented candle in your victim’s room instead
February 28, 2025 at 8:15 AM
Save money on your next waterboarding by lighting a rain-scented candle in your victim’s room instead
The Golden State Warriors are now 15-2 in games where Steph Curry loses a finger
February 28, 2025 at 6:52 AM
The Golden State Warriors are now 15-2 in games where Steph Curry loses a finger
Called my mom’s dinner crap once but we’re devout Craptists so she nodded and we sang a hymn about a gold toilet
February 27, 2025 at 6:33 AM
Called my mom’s dinner crap once but we’re devout Craptists so she nodded and we sang a hymn about a gold toilet
Severance but for watching opening bands
February 9, 2025 at 6:27 PM
Severance but for watching opening bands
I tried mansplaining Stockholm syndrome to the woman who controls my meals and now I’m stuck with beets for the next month
February 9, 2025 at 9:40 AM
I tried mansplaining Stockholm syndrome to the woman who controls my meals and now I’m stuck with beets for the next month
Inside us there are two hybrid man movies with modest box office success
February 9, 2025 at 9:31 AM
Inside us there are two hybrid man movies with modest box office success