Awesome thing happened, but I don't truly feel the excitement in the way I should. It's like a text in the back of my mind.

My obsession with numbers has come to bite me in the butt. Dad died 6.9. (haha funny number), mom's dog died on 10.10 (same number), and dad's uncle died 2 months and 20 days after my dad, not any special day number, but 220
The latest? The uncle's funeral is today, exactly 3 months after my dad's.

The loneliness is hitting quite hard now. If I called mom and she couldnt talk, I would call my dad and talk with him and same with other way too.
Just called my mom, she was shopping with a friend and couldnt talk, so now it's just waiting.

So, uhh. Dad passed away. In the end his heart was just too tired to work anymore. I haven't really realized it yet so luckily I'm not a total wreck. Yet. I'm so not waiting for the moment the negative feelings crash in. But now I'll try to support my mom and brother better, before I break.

5 sessions / appointments in and that's 90% of what we talk about. Not that I mind. She's an awesome person who helps me with taking my thoughts outside my head and make sense of them. She doesn't judge my maybe odd thoughts, but gives reasons why I might be thinking the way I am.

First therapy session since May and a lot has happened. I don't know what to talk about. Other than dad's cancer. Maybe that should be the only topic for today.

Why did dad have to get cancer when I'm the one who doesn't want to stay here. He's got pancreatic cancer, stage 4 I think. The survival rates are not good, I think it was like only 3-5% might make it to 5 years after the diagnosis. I don't want him to leave yet.

I'm so hungry. I have food, bread just next to me, but I just can't eat. I bought butter too just for this bread. All I'd have to do is put the bread to the toaster and all that. Except it's so much more steps. Open the bag, take the bread piece out, split it, put it in the toaster...

It's always interesting when I realize things about my bpd.
It's been two days since a hard emotional crash and I've been feeling numb. If I'm not doing anything, I'm not feeling anything, just emptiness. I dont even have energy to really do stuff.

This is Tub and Blue. They simply cannot figure out how to get their tennis ball that fell in the pool. Still 12/10 because they really are trying

Happy Pride Month 🏳️‍🌈❤️

"my naps aren't that long" - > accidentally sleeps almost two hours

So many apps downloaded, so many comics to continue, so many fics to continue.. And I'm still bored..

Filling up week's medkit and the 7 left were looking fun. I have to fill it before I go to sleep. So annoying when I'm tired, but it's a good routine. Small pause between the day and the night.

Little thing called depression has been preventing me from working on my big diamond painting. Started it in last July, worked on it for 20ish hours, then didn't for months and months. 5ish total hours this year. So hopefully doing this cute little one helps.

Horrible headache when I woke up. Fiiiiiine, no energy drinks for a week or something 😵‍💫

I had to take a nap few days in a row now, kinda new. Mood tracker that is 1-5 has also been more 3 than usual, normal average is like 4.2, now it has been like 3.4 .
Depressive episode is that you?

You know when those sad / negative feelings pop up in the middle of the night? No? Well.. Wanna trade places? 🥺

I wonder how many times I let my hunger get so bad I feel like puking before I eat.