When you get to the point where you're picking up a new station and leaving range of another is an annoyance worth turning the radio off for a few minutes. This medication/symptom battle doesn't have a switch. You must listen.

Experiencing the medication getting out of your system and symptoms creep back in your mind simultaneously is like listening to an FM station on a cross-country drive. Am I aging myself? Yes.

It's not recommended to quit antipsychotic medication abruptly, but at the same time, the doctor won't taper you off them because you're a crazy person. You’re left to your own devices, and I opted to rip the band aid off. A miserable month vs the better part of a year feeling "blah".

My next month was blurry. I quit taking my medication and was entering my mind's own Twilight Zone. Do you know what a "brain zap" is? It's when you feel a lightning bolt spread like tree branches through your very skull. Those are common upon quitting or changing medication.

The moderation team continued to say if I was to keep this attitude, I could just move the fuck on. It was a good day.

I thought we were all just throwing around ideas here, so I was confused. A message from the moderation team. An official warning. Links to the forum rules and mean-spirited message stating this was a "pro-medication, anti-cannabis" site. I was in violation of both directives in my first paragraph.

An odd collection of us from all over the world, not seeking answers as much as commiserating, but I'll take it. Sold. Signed up and signed in. Despite being in the mid-2010s, I had yet to really be part of an internet forum. First post and I receive a "flag".

With zero hesitation I joined the community and was thrilled to begin posting. These were my people. Not the downcast faces of group therapy, but creative minds. Woven throughout the peculiar symptoms schizophrenics know all too well were personalities.

Mental health forums are a shitshow. Either inactive voids of internet depression or a downward spiral of the blind leading the blind. This was organized. Nicely. A site built in dedication to a beloved family member with a board posting new replies every few seconds.

It wasn't wrong. There was another human person with the exact same question on a forum for people with my diagnosis. I don't remember the comments on the thread, just that I was not alone in what I thought had to have been a brand-new thought.

There's always exercise. Or baking. Painting. All of these would have been a better alternative to staring at a blank wall and missing the noise in my brain. Well, not all the noise. Just one. Is it wrong to have a favorite hallucination? This statement is exactly what I put into Google.

An Original Thought
Symptoms improved overnight. An impossible wish granted. Spending days in quiet and peace of mind was oddly unsettling. Do I have hobbies? No. I don't have hobbies. Is chain-smoking on my patio until my neighbors drag their children inside due to the toxic air a hobby?

Testing Testing