kids these days don't know that Jonathan Villar invented the tush push

Spencer Snorkelson

molly is the new crack

Jose Advincula: while his younger teammate Tagle has garnered more attention, Advincula's higher on base percentage and above-average hard contact rate may make him more suitable for the modern papacy.

Albert Pujols: while his time as an Angel may make the papacy look like a downgrade, he was not a very effective Angel, perhaps signaling that the Chair of Peter would fit his remarkable skills better. Plus, he just *looks* like a pope.

The 2011 Rally Squirrel: would be the first Pope with more than three legs.

Brendan Donavan: a rapid riser who has held multiple important positions, most recently as shortstop and head of the Roman Curia.

Victor Scott II: his sprint speed is only rivaled by his ability to look deep into your soul. Also, he already has Roman numerals in his name.

Ozzie Smith: A natural choice, given his age and seniority, although the choice of a pitcher over a position player may be controversial for traditionalists.

Yadier Molina: Vatican watchers have considered him a likely future Pope ever since his timely retirement from baseball in 2022. And, as a multilingual, lifelong cardinal who somehow sanctified Adam Wainwright into a league-leading pitcher, he certainly has the profile and experience.

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