arielcomedy.bsky.social
Ariel Elias
@arielcomedy.bsky.social
3K followers 190 following 950 posts
Punchup.live/arielelias Comedian, Kentucky, Jewish, Beer chugger
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arielcomedy.bsky.social
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 9h
Neck, pussy, and crack make sense. Licking the back is weird.
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arielcomedy.bsky.social
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 12h
Um ok how can literacy rates in the US be in trouble if we're constantly writing on bullets?
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arielcomedy.bsky.social
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 16h
Just because they don't care about my well-being doesn't mean I don't care about theirs. So all jokes aside, has anybody checked on the person controlling the cursed doll of Stephen Miller to make sure they're ok?
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arielcomedy.bsky.social
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 16h
Just a theory
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arielcomedy.bsky.social
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 1d
Older generations:
*sigh* a house is not a home

Millennials and Gen Z:
OK BUT YOU HAVE A HOUSE THOUGH
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arielcomedy.bsky.social
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 2d
Touché to this woman. Please be my friend 😬
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Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 3d
Don't sit in the front row at my shows unless you're ready for me to respect that you came to watch a show, not be a part of it, but yeah I might high five you at some point when I tell this one joke
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Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 4d
Ok fine I'll bite
-new zombies
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Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 5d
Right after my husband and I met, we had this conversation
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Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 6d
Have we tried unplugging the government and plugging it back in?
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Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 6d
Women aren't attracted to men who are taken because we want what we can't have, it's literally just because someone finally started dressing them better.
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arielcomedy.bsky.social
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 7d
It feels like it's all being run by every kid who refused to do any work during the group project.
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Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 7d
Yom kippur is the holiday that I, as a woman, am best at. I'm constantly apologizing and trying but failing to eat less.
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Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 11d
I'm not a bot but I am really good at ignoring all previous instructions
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Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 11d
*sees a journalist being murdered*
comedians: who books that?
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Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 13d
I'm in the Italian countryside and I have to say my phone looks so beautiful here.
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Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 15d
Our government is going after Tylenol, which makes this the second time Bayer benefits from Nazis.
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Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 16d
There are people who think Trump isn't a religious man. Oh yeah? Well then why does he have one very specific thing in common with the Catholic Church?
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Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 16d
Regular new year is like, find someone to kiss and toast with champagne! Jewish new year is like, let's maybe lower those expectations, grab an apple from the grocery store and donate your least wanted canned goods.
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Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 16d
Less dropping of a ball, more dropping of the ball
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Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 16d
We eat apples and honey for the new year. It symbolizes in our culture the desire for a sweet new year, and also the importance of fiber.
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Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 16d
Jews celebrate our new year in the fall because we like to know way ahead of everyone else that this year is not gonna be our year.
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Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 17d
"I never thought this could happen here" and other phrases people who aren't Jewish say
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Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 17d
what
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Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 17d
Rap? Sure.
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