CLIENT: *Crying inconsolably*
THERAPIST: *Taps a sign that reads GOOD VIBES ONLY*

I’m sorry, did you want to talk about you again today?

*Demonstrating a butterfly hug* Watch me. Cross your arms over your chest so the tip of your longest finger just touches your collarbone.

LOL, it took like no effort to get you to do that! I bet you were bullied like hell

CLIENT: My mom died yesterday
THERAPIST: *Rolls eyes dramatically.* You’re probably the very first person this ever happened to

*Turns off a stereo blasting Danzig’s “Mother ‘93”*
So, what brings you in?

I hear you’re feeling hopeless, but have you even tried giving up?

*A mirrorball descends, illuminating the walls and a ficus in the corner of the room as Semisonic’s 1998 hit single “Closing Time” fades in*

“You know what that means, time to wrap it up!”

*Presses a button on a hidden Fart Machine, then picks up a second Fart Machine from a side table and begins furiously pressing all buttons.* Goddamn it, how do you turn this thing off!?

*Puts feet up on my desk* Let’s talk about something fun for a change!