After hearing Trump is a germaphobe, and seeing what he’s done to the Oval Office, I’m assuming the pee tapes include him horrified, receiving the “golden shower” he ignorantly ordered.

I can tell he really likes the video game he got for Father’s Day by all the “WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?!” screams coming from the living room.

Yesterday, Dad showed me his new gadget for poaching eggs in the microwave, in her helpful way my mother made sure to order him TWO quarts of Egg Beaters for his new breakfast adventures. They’ve been torturing each other like this for 47 years come May.

Him: whatcha thinking about

Me: nothing if I can help it. *runs finger around inside of jell-o shot*

Remember when the South elected the Antichrist and the next day God sent a blizzard?

My toxic trait is not telling you what I need from the grocery store because I’m not sure if you’re going that far into the grocery store and I don’t want to inconvenience you.