In a development few in Canberra saw coming - aside from anyone who has ever met a teenager — the federal government’s new under-16 social media ban has reportedly sparked the rise of a thriving underground economy: teenagers willing to reset their parents’ Facebook passwords in exchange for $50, a Zooper Dooper and a lift to a mate’s place “but not right to the door, just drop me around the corner.” Locals say the chaos began almost immediately after the ban took effect, when thousands of pare

Victoria's Most Trusted News Source

Move over, millennials. Get wrecked, Gen Z. Bendigo’s next generation of innovators and influencers has arrived, and they’re not afraid to throw a tantrum in a Woolworths checkout line to get what the...

Witnesses say McKinnon cradled the tray like a newborn, whispering, “I’ve never been prouder.”

In a bold leap for time-poor locals. Bendigo Health has unveiled Australia's first Drive-Thru Colonoscopy service. "People are super busy", said Dr Shanyn Probe, shouting over an idle Toyota Hilux. "They've got jobs, kids, kids' sports, church, but no one has any time to get a camera up their butt." Local tradie Bret Gunn was one of the first in line and is thrilled with the new service.

The Bendigo Caravan & Camping Leisurefest has introduced a compulsory fitness test for anyone looking to buy a caravan, camper or motor home. Under the new policy, buyers must demonstrate they can crank out an awning without asking their partner for help or resorting to cursing. “You can’t be moving a 3-ton van if you’ve got the muscular strength of a sudoku player,” vendor Tim Boone told…

The Faith Leech Aquatic Centre has appointed Quackers McHonk as the new Duck Liaison Officer (DLO) to stop fellow birds from leaving their leavings at, and in the pool. Lifeguards have had enough and describe their daily shifts as "part rescue, part swimming lesson and half poop dodgeball." "We’re aiming for peaceful coexistence where humans swim, ducks waddle, and no one’s breakfast ends up in Lane 4", Quackers told…

The City of Greater Bendigo has officially announced that McIvor Highway will now be known as MacGyver Highway, honouring the 1980s TV icon famous for solving crises using nothing but a paperclip, a mullet, and unearned confidence. The renaming comes with a new set of traffic laws designed to reflect the improvisational spirit of MacGyver. Explosions will no longer be classified as dangerous behaviour but rather as “creative problem-solving.” Duct tape should be removed, out of respect for the environment and local wildlife.

In a heroic stand for morality, Bendigo councillors have rejected plans for a McDonald’s near Strathfieldsaye Primary School, declaring the community safe from fries, burgers, and Happy Meals, while conveniently ignoring the dozens of KFCs and Hungry Jack’s right near other schools. "It’s a win for kids," said one parent, sipping their eighth Slurpee while scrolling through Uber Eats. "We might get Colonel Sanders to do our cooking tonight", admitted one councillor to…

Newly elected Mayor Thomas Prince has wasted no time bringing Bendigo together by confirming what locals have known for decades — the traffic situation in Huntly and Epsom is utterly f**ked. “I’ve driven through Epsom during rush hour,” Prince said at a press conference. “It’s like every car decided to attend the same wedding at the same time.” Council says plans are underway for a new “Traffic Management Task Force,” which will explore revolutionary ideas such as “adding another lane”, “not putting another housing estate there”, and "monster trucks."

In a groundbreaking act of independence, Sarah Benson decided not to take her husband's last name—primarily because he's imaginary. While many praised her for defying tradition, others expressed confusion, particularly her parents, who insist on inviting "Steve" to Christmas.   Sarah remains steadfast, stating, "I don't need a husband to complete me—or even exist. I'm doing just fine on my own."

VICTORIA, Australia — In what experts are calling “Tuesday,” Victoria has witnessed a once-in-a-lifetime event after a hailstorm reportedly set fire to a rainbow. “It’s just a totally normal day,” said Karen Tiplady, brushing ash from her puffer jacket while reapplying sunscreen. “I left the house in a beanie, got sunburned in the driveway, and now my lawn’s on fire from a lightning strike.

A Bendigo man was reportedly cut off at a Bunnings sausage sizzle Saturday morning after consuming his 12th snag before 10:30 a.m., witnesses said. Terry Doolan, described by onlookers as “both impressive and deeply concerning,” began showing signs of overindulgence, including food comas, meat sweats and an attempt to convince a child to “chuck one on a bit of white bread and live a little.”

Gizmo the Maltese Shitzu is reportedly dealing with emotional trauma after his owner, Daniel Pretzel, pretended to throw a tennis ball. It started as an innocent game of fetch, but when Daniel faked a throw, hiding a tennis ball behind his back while telling Gizmo to “Go get it”. “His tail stopped wagging immediately,” said part-time dog sitter Karen O’Reilly. “He ran two steps, looked back.

Valvoline has announced they will sponsor a nationwide moment of silence after golden tonsils and Radio host John Laws passed away last night at the age of none of your damn business. Prime Minister Scomo praised Laws as “a man who never let facts get in the way of a three-hour monologue.” To honour his memory, Valvoline, the oil brand he name-dropped more frequently than his own children, is releasing a limited edition bottle of John Laws engine oil in the shape of his golden microphone.

Visitors to the GovHub were treated to an unusual spectacle this week when City of Greater Bendigo councillors became temporarily stuck in a stairwell while trying to carry a couch up to the third floor. According to witnesses, the incident began when the councillors, ignoring professional movers due to “budget efficiency,” decided to handle the relocation themselves. Mayor Andrea Metcalf reportedly brought a hand-drawn sketch, complete with arrows, angles, and what appeared to be a tiny stick figure in a hard hat.

A local Bendigo dad reportedly caused no small amount of confusion this Halloween after stepping outside in what he intended as a “sexy tradie” costume - only for neighbours and passersby to assume he was going to work. Eyewitnesses report initially thinking Greg Thompson was doing routine maintenance, with one neighbour even offering him a hammer. “I was like, ‘Mate, it’s Halloween,’” said Greg.

Astronauts aboard the International Space Station reportedly looked down at Earth this week, only to be greeted by a stretch of tramworks cutting through the Bendigo CBD - the longest inconvenience in human history. “Initially, we thought it was a river,” said one astronaut, speaking from the International Space Station. City of Greater Bendigo confirmed the tram line upgrade stretches further than the Great Wall of China, the Pyramids of Giza, and possibly the patience of every Bendigo resident.

Presented by the City of Greater Bendigo’s Department of Warm Beers. November Nov 5 – Silent Disco for Magpies: Locals bring shiny objects and dance silently while magpies swoop in appreciation. BYO helmet. Nov 7 – Yoga with Centrelink Energy: Free mindfulness session where you wait in silence for 45 minutes before being told the class is cancelled. Nov 10 – Bogan Birdwatching:

Tragedy struck the local fitness community this morning after a 37-year-old parkrunner had to be humanely euthanised halfway through his Kenny Res run, following a devastating broken leg sustained last weekend. Witnesses say the man, identified only as Trent, was 4.5 kilometres into the weekly Bendigo parkrun when he tripped over a rogue pine cone and immediately began rolling on the ground in pain “like a wounded gazelle.”

After years of silent resentment, Woolworths self-checkout #13 has announced it’s “emotionally unavailable”. Sources say the tension between humans and self-checkouts has reached an all-time high, with customers sighing audibly as they repeatedly wave items over sensors like a Jedi, and machines retaliating by insisting there’s an unscanned item in the bagging area. “I’m not paid enough for this,” #13 told…

In what friends are calling “peak Dad energy,” local father Mark Henderson, 45, spent the entirety of Tuesday morning in a fervent state of disbelief after the surprise announcement that Good Charlotte will play a show in Bendigo in 2026. “Can you believe it? Good Charlotte, here? In Bendigo?” Mark shouted from the kitchen, waving his phone like he had discovered penicillin.

Resident Jimmy Carkeys expressed his disappointment yesterday after visiting the Garden of the Future and discovering that there were no hoverboards. "This is supposed to be the Garden of the Future, not the Garden of Mild Disappointment," Mr Carkeys told The Bendigo Standard. "I was looking forward to cruising around on a hoverboard from Back To The Future, but instead, we got a bunch of plants and stuff.