Bill Heil
@billheil.bsky.social
Tall guy from Berkeley
https://billheil.com
https://billheil.com
My hope is to teach my toddler empathy before he’s strong enough to throw me down the stairs
December 29, 2025 at 4:56 PM
My hope is to teach my toddler empathy before he’s strong enough to throw me down the stairs
Listening to my friends complain about Tahoe traffic makes me miss the Donner Party
December 28, 2025 at 3:20 PM
Listening to my friends complain about Tahoe traffic makes me miss the Donner Party
I got invited to a party starting at 10pm. There's no way I'm getting up that early
December 27, 2025 at 3:40 PM
I got invited to a party starting at 10pm. There's no way I'm getting up that early
The day after Christmas in the liturgical calendar is the Installation of the Car Seat, when Joseph read the manual and wept
December 26, 2025 at 5:00 PM
The day after Christmas in the liturgical calendar is the Installation of the Car Seat, when Joseph read the manual and wept
To be fair coal in your stocking is like getting a Shell gift card
December 25, 2025 at 2:03 PM
To be fair coal in your stocking is like getting a Shell gift card
You can tell how close we are by how poorly I wrap your gift
December 24, 2025 at 6:14 AM
You can tell how close we are by how poorly I wrap your gift
I have been to 2000 toddler birthdays and I am here to request that adult birthday parties run from 10am-12pm and be more vomit-positive
December 23, 2025 at 3:31 PM
I have been to 2000 toddler birthdays and I am here to request that adult birthday parties run from 10am-12pm and be more vomit-positive
Hi, I will be unresponsive to email until Monday, January 5. Don't be fooled by my physical presence in the office, I am an empty husk. Thanks!
December 22, 2025 at 4:37 PM
Hi, I will be unresponsive to email until Monday, January 5. Don't be fooled by my physical presence in the office, I am an empty husk. Thanks!
One trick I have to survive office holiday parties is between each drink, I'll like a co-worker's photo and comment "Great seeing you!" from another bar
December 21, 2025 at 4:08 PM
One trick I have to survive office holiday parties is between each drink, I'll like a co-worker's photo and comment "Great seeing you!" from another bar
My boss calls me Voyager 1 because I never circle back
December 20, 2025 at 4:19 PM
My boss calls me Voyager 1 because I never circle back
Pediatrician: Is your toddler using any multi-word phrases yet?
Me: Nuh-uh.
Me: ...
Me: What?
Me: Nuh-uh.
Me: ...
Me: What?
December 19, 2025 at 5:47 PM
Pediatrician: Is your toddler using any multi-word phrases yet?
Me: Nuh-uh.
Me: ...
Me: What?
Me: Nuh-uh.
Me: ...
Me: What?
The Pettysburg Address
December 18, 2025 at 2:28 AM
The Pettysburg Address
Sorry I'm late, I just e-biked from Berkeley and the sidewalks were PACKED
December 17, 2025 at 3:12 PM
Sorry I'm late, I just e-biked from Berkeley and the sidewalks were PACKED
Doctor: You need a colonoscopy
Me: Can’t I just do Vanity Fair?
Me: Can’t I just do Vanity Fair?
December 17, 2025 at 6:40 AM
Doctor: You need a colonoscopy
Me: Can’t I just do Vanity Fair?
Me: Can’t I just do Vanity Fair?
The Three Little Pigs is a fairy tale because everyone gets a house
December 15, 2025 at 5:09 PM
The Three Little Pigs is a fairy tale because everyone gets a house
I'd rather fake my own death, get plastic surgery, and move back into my own place under a new identity than ask my neighbor their name a second time
December 13, 2025 at 4:01 PM
I'd rather fake my own death, get plastic surgery, and move back into my own place under a new identity than ask my neighbor their name a second time
My toddler gets zero screen time thanks to my crippling phone addiction
December 12, 2025 at 4:08 PM
My toddler gets zero screen time thanks to my crippling phone addiction
I stopped reading Time’s Person of the Year story when the first sentence was “Certainly! I’ll generate a thoughtful piece on the architects of AI.”
December 11, 2025 at 4:27 PM
I stopped reading Time’s Person of the Year story when the first sentence was “Certainly! I’ll generate a thoughtful piece on the architects of AI.”
Philip Rivers unretiring at 44 is the only rational response to Christmas with 10 kids
December 10, 2025 at 3:54 PM
Philip Rivers unretiring at 44 is the only rational response to Christmas with 10 kids
"Thanks, I know what I'm looking for."
—Me returning my third drill bit set today
—Me returning my third drill bit set today
December 9, 2025 at 4:45 PM
"Thanks, I know what I'm looking for."
—Me returning my third drill bit set today
—Me returning my third drill bit set today
My sisters at Christmas reviewing my ex-girlfriends
December 8, 2025 at 3:19 PM
My sisters at Christmas reviewing my ex-girlfriends
My mom: your son doesn’t say Grandma yet
Me: he’s shy
My mom: he just introduced me to Boba Fett and the Mandalorian
Me: he’s shy
My mom: he just introduced me to Boba Fett and the Mandalorian
December 7, 2025 at 4:43 PM
My mom: your son doesn’t say Grandma yet
Me: he’s shy
My mom: he just introduced me to Boba Fett and the Mandalorian
Me: he’s shy
My mom: he just introduced me to Boba Fett and the Mandalorian
The challenge: Go one week without comparing San Francisco to New York City
December 6, 2025 at 3:14 PM
The challenge: Go one week without comparing San Francisco to New York City
Netflix announcing which countries get price increases post-WB merger
December 5, 2025 at 3:20 PM
Netflix announcing which countries get price increases post-WB merger
I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I recorded a three-hour podcast instead
December 4, 2025 at 3:43 PM
I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I recorded a three-hour podcast instead