My girlfriend is like Kraven the Hunter but she’s wearing a Labubu pelt and her trophies are Ty beanie babies, Furbies, and all the other weird toy trends

Despite all the changes happening in the world, it’s comforting to know that Texas A&M still sucks ass.

me attempting a squat PR the day after my vasectomy

Got honked at because I was standing in a dude’s parking spot while opening the door for my lady. That guy has zero maidens.

Bonus attack takes priority over family. Sorry MOM.

Internet technician is in my house, guess I’ll T-pose in the corner for an hour

@jameswillems.bsky.social not even Doctor Fate could have foreseen such betrayal

*taps home depot employee on the shoulder*

“where is the lego aisle?”

I reprised my stunning turn (?) as Amelia Earhart for the comedy podcast 'Good Morning from Hell' 🔥

You can listen, but it's sort of bonkers and I think I blacked out at one point between ranting about monkey gods and the Lindbergh baby:

open.spotify.com/episode/40q9...

I'm the voice of the Green Ranger in @digitaleclipse.bsky.social Power Rangers Rita's Rewind and even I can't believe I'm saying that.

The 2.5 years worth of unposted tweets that I’m about to shit onto the internet

I think I figured it out