again i am neutral on what works for other people but for me none of this is sexy. everyone is horny and no one is erotic type beat

even the art n such from the 'super wet & messy every time or it's not hot to me crowd' like... it all bc noise To Me. i feel like if i had some outlet/fiction of my own to read, i'd be less bitchy. so really it's me yelling at myself to write more ha ha

not everybody needs lube but not everybody DOESN'T need lube. some people take forever to warm up. some people don't come at all. "jack you're here just to mad again?" it's more like a shorthand list of things i need to Fix Myself. write more... maybe not real, maybe not honest, bc it's fiction, but

*unless they've had a discussion that carefully outlines the parameters of their sexual interaction. a contract even. sexuality is not static and tops/bottoms are not the fucking omegaverse

EXACTLY this. the hypothetical is so easy; trying to make anything substantial of it is a sisyphean task. i know it's just "to do it you must simply do it" but the feeling afterwards is within spitting distance of regretful sex that im like. i would rather die

this is a depressin 🤝 of solidarity but... seriously, why is so hard! especially when there are folks around us who either have similar trauma or enough of their own & yet they're trucking on, determined out of spite. meanwhile our brains lying to us about how we're the grosses of the gross

it out of prurient desire i'd be set! fuckin set even! but i'm not, mb bc i've seen and done it all in my youth & now im tired, and/or bc my brain has body blindness as well as face blindness. idk. i'm frustrated w my own mental blocks making creativity so difficult

this thread brought to you by my main's tl which is full of either big tits & abs, or insanely broad hips, or super sweaty & ms painted onomatopoeia, & i feel flat out ambivalent & sometimes even irritated of the same thing over & over bc it's like, if i could just be into all of this & focused on

i literally do not know how to get rid of the shame, even to just write it. or gpose it. or talk about ocs w friends about it. like it all feels Bad to me, which ofc means im depressed about it, which entrenches the shame.

i just wanna have fun w my characters you know

(meanwhile i was using sex as a maladaptive coping mechanism, mostly punishing myself w men but not always) so now that im older and don't give a shit & want to just write sex as a part of the human condition, EVEN HERE, MY DOMAIN, i'm like "well but why. i should be ashamed of myself."

vanilla, as the pitfall trap of "deviancy." i grew up w them, essentially, & had other friends (&exes Lol) who saw sex as private & not talked about but if it were discovered i was doing it wrong or ~leaving my wheelhouse all of a sudden i was no better than a lecherous pervert

i need to get weirder is what i'm saying