I spent the first 13 years of my life sleeping on a futon, I think my parents knew I was gonna try and be an artist for a living

To egg someone’s house in this economy you REALLY have to hate them.

My girlfriend told me she wanted to go to a hibachi grill for her birthday cause she loves getting to see the food get made in front of. But the one in our neighborhood closed, so I took her to a Chipotle instead