Lightnews — Scholar-powered news

Boredwalk @boredwalk.com · 15d

Next time you see some influencer bragging about how many mortals they’ve enthralled or how big their army of undead henchmen is, just remember not everything you read on the internet is true. You’re doing great. Satan loves you.

1 17

Boredwalk @boredwalk.com · 17d

Yeah, I got plans later — gonna hit the club (sandwich), have some drinks (herbal tea), and end up in bed with a cutie (my cat).

4 18

Boredwalk @boredwalk.com · 18d

It’s always inherited trauma and never inherited Gothic castle in the Transylvanian mountains.

1 16 34

Boredwalk @boredwalk.com · 18d

Time to feed my cat
- mundane
- harmless
- sounds like a chore

Time to bring my familiar an offering
- mystical
- ominous
- sounds like an unholy alliance

6 35

Boredwalk @boredwalk.com · 22d

Him: you’d be so much prettier if you smiled

Medusa: you’d be so much less annoying as a statue

1 4 22

Boredwalk @boredwalk.com · 24d

Stop telling me I look young for my age, it’s not a compliment. Tell me I look terrifying for my age!

15

Boredwalk @boredwalk.com · 26d

Girls don’t want a knight in shining armor. We want an enchanted sword that slices through the fabric of time and space at will and a fire-breathing dragon we can ride into battle.

5 25

Boredwalk @boredwalk.com · 27d

I refuse to age gracefully, I am going to age like one of those fairytale witches, only growing more powerful and notorious each year.

5 28

Boredwalk @boredwalk.com · 29d

Stop saying “if you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a forest as an ominous supernatural presence.” There is only one thing that will make me happy and it’s haunting the woods!

12

Boredwalk @boredwalk.com · 29d

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, trying to figure out what the unexpected item is in the bagging area.

1 2 15

Boredwalk @boredwalk.com · Sep 8

Him: nice ass, it would look better in my lap

Me: nice teeth, they’d look better in a box under my bed

1 12

Boredwalk @boredwalk.com · Sep 8

Raising kids:
- requires a lot of money
- takes 18 years
- exhausting

Raising a demigod from the netherworld:
- requires an occult ritual
- takes 18 minutes (give or take, depends on how up on ancient Sumerian you are)
- thrilling

4 31

Boredwalk @boredwalk.com · Sep 6

I have an inner gremlin who wants to scream and smash things, but instead I have to just go about my stupid day attending to my responsibilities.

3 25

Boredwalk @boredwalk.com · Sep 2

Do I battle my own demons?

No.

Do I have a peaceable agreement with my demons wherein they agree to mostly be chill publicly if I let ‘em rage privately?

100%

3 26

Boredwalk @boredwalk.com · Aug 26

All bodies are good bodies. Take pride in your scales and razor-sharp claws. Your dozens of pulsing eyes, blacker than the void itself, are lovely. Don’t be ashamed of your enormous tentacles, moist and writhing as you grope for a billionaire’s yacht. To me you are perfect.

5 25

Boredwalk @boredwalk.com · Aug 18

Ways my cat is like a vampire:
- sharp pointy fangs
- looks handsome and youthful despite being very old
- sleeps all day
- must feed on the innocent in order to live

2 18

Boredwalk @boredwalk.com · Aug 17

Trying to change him:

- time consuming
- high effort for low reward
- adheres to traditional gender roles

Changing him to stone with a terrifying glare:

- immediately satisfying
- low effort for high reward
- adheres to traditional witch lore

1 2 20

Boredwalk @boredwalk.com · Aug 16

My plans: clean house, run errands, cook

My day: depression nap, doom scrolling, and “just one more episode” of a show I’ve already seen

14

Boredwalk @boredwalk.com · Aug 15

Demon who possesses me:
What’s that weird uncomfortable feeling?

Me:
Oh you mean that ever-present sense of doom?

Demon:
Yeah, wtf?

Me:
That’s been there, bruh, shoulda looked before you leaped.

2 15

Boredwalk @boredwalk.com · Aug 10

There is no rule that says you can’t be a captivating forest pixie and an intimidating ancient hell goddess.

Hecate had three forms.

You needn’t commit to just one.

4 30

Boredwalk @boredwalk.com · Aug 9

Practice self care like a Venus Fly Trap.

Stay hydrated and destroy whatever pest invades your personal space.

1 1 12

Boredwalk @boredwalk.com · Aug 9

The early bird might get the worm, but the night goddess gets a black cloak made of stars and a flying chariot pulled by dark horses.

3 30

Boredwalk @boredwalk.com · Aug 4

It’s okay to take a break. It’s okay if you need to rest.

Cthulhu has been in a death-like slumber for eons and he’s still a legendary cosmic horror.

Take that nap if you need it — your cult can wait!

1 4 22

Boredwalk @boredwalk.com · Aug 3

Don’t be a replacement for his mother.

Be a replacement for the thing under his bed that he was afraid of as a child — mysterious, elusive, and probably from a hell dimension.

1 17

Boredwalk @boredwalk.com · Aug 2

good news: my body is a temple

great news: it’s a temple to a horrifying tentacled elder god

9 50