HBD to Haymitch Abernathy.

I can think of like 1,000 things I’d rather do than go to Coachella. You couldn’t pay me enough.

I’ve never met a woman who voted for trump that doesn’t have a -50 self esteem. Babe, I promise you will be okay without that rat of a husband who doesn’t allow you to have a different opinion.

Zuck, Musk, and Bezos are living proof that you can be a loser even if you’re a billionaire.

Hot take: I have beef with chilis because they put butter or cheese in like everything. I’m a dairy-free girly.

Forget about buying TikTok to save it, somebody PLEASE buy Joann fabrics.

As we approach valentine season, I must remind the world that chocolate covered strawberries are an abomination.

“Guess what? Everything’s a scam.”

-my 6 year old cousin.

“How’s everyone seeing these (aliens) drones in the sky???” I say as I remember I don’t go outside or leave my house past like 8pm lol.

What I learned from Spotify wrapped this year is apparently I’m the only person who doesn’t listen to Chappell roan.

I need a scientist or Hank Green to explain to me why McDonald’s fries cure my migraines without fail each time. Please and thank you.