Holy fuck I had no idea laundromats were so expensive

Anyway thinking about this cause I'm carrying my clothes and bedsheets to the laundromat in garbage bags ✌️

Actually I just realized most of my friends in my life have been lower-middle class. Is that why? Normally you'd assume I'd gravitate towards my own social class, but maybe the frugality shifts it. I definitely wouldn't accept if someone invited me to split the cost of a ski trip or something

I'm not pretending to be poor or anything btw, I just don't see the point of spending money when I don't need to. I don't advertise that my family's rich, but I don't hide it either. People usually figure it out when I tell them they paid my 7-year tuition or something

I wore clothes with visible holes in them for at least a year, by choice. Someone once thought my mom was homeless. I had a dumphone until 18, I don't have a car, and I travel 30+ miles by city bus semi-regularly, all by choice. People have referred me to food banks. Meanwhile I have a trust fund

That's not to say I'm depressed or anything. But almost nothing goes beyond "oh nice" levels of enjoyment unless I'm with a friend

But for me, not empathizing is the default. So I'm used to supporting people despite not empathizing with them. Can't get empathy fatigue if you never empathized in the first place

Cause I'll do those things at her place, and then I'm like "oh fuck mom might've heard that" and brace for punishment. She doesn't punish me for those things anymore, but I do get the memories back

Or punish me for screaming into my arm or a pillow. She stopped doing that eventually though. Or maybe I just learned to do it when she wasn't in the room

That's just from this day-and-a-half. Every time I remember new things

I feel kinda dumb complaining about that because I know people whose parents did worse shit daily. But fuck it that wasn't okay to do to me either

And of course the occasional more egregious things, like yelling at me for like 10 minutes straight when I'm curled up in a ball in autistic shutdown, or telling me you don't care that you're hurting me, or leaving me in the middle of an unfamiliar rural area because I got ptsd triggered

Honestly I'd forgotten about this one. It wasn't very common or very consequential

I didn't exactly miss it either. It's interesting at first, but once you get past the novelty it just feels mildly weird (plus the feelings from the two emotions)

It's not like I'm somewhere in between, or have some attributes of one and some attributes of the other. It's like my brain is executing its good mood program and depressed program at the same time, and somehow they don't interfere with each other