Arrive at airport at 5am.
Lady tells me go first, I have one bag.
Attendant: ma’am, if you’re going to china, you’re in the wrong place.
Me: 😲
Lady: I’m going to Atlanta then KOREA
Att: china, korea, international, you’re in the wrong place.
Lady: (smiling, teeth clenched) Jesus fucking Christ

Tell me you’re on a flight leaving the south without telling me…

On a 7am takeoff the man next to me ate an entire fried chicken.

“Alright, time to get hurt” I say, before every 1923 episode.

Very fun to explain the signal scandal to my 13 year old who truly understands the catastrophe of adding the wrong person to the group chat and absolutely fell out when I showed her the Mike Waltz emojis.

My husband: why do you have so many plants? Stop buying plants. I’m tired of plants.

My husband on Zoom: oh thank you! My wife has a whole system and named each plant after The Office. I think this one is Stanley.

If someone asked me to pay $400 for a timer, I would laugh them out of the room.
But here I am, with an Apple Watch.

When people find out I’m a vegetarian and am also therefore raising my child(ren) vegetarian and they think I’m depriving them of the finer things…

I’ll have those haters know that for breakfast, my 4 year old had Oreo Handi-snacks and it’s 100% vegan.

4 year old playing play doh-
“First I have to read the erections”.

I corrected her instead of laughing.

Parenting is hard. 🥁

I think most people have a fear of their plane getting hijacked.
We’re told it’s the safest travel, but we’re convinced our plane will be hijacked

I’ve been watching Hijack on Apple TV+, and it hit me - hijacking is a group project, where no member can fuck up even a little bit.

I feel better.

Walking through 4yo’s room is easily a $20 trip when you factor in swear jar donations.

There’s a lot of sad parts to having an elderly dog.
Him sleeping through fireworks because he’s deaf as hell now, is not one of them. 🐕 💥

Definitely do sleep on “The Idol”.

IDK if I can even listen to The Weeknd again.

Some replace substance abuse with church.
For many, church IS the drug.
But not everyone on church knows it’s a drug.

Is there an appropriate way to provide positive feedback during a massage?

White pizza is basically cheesy bread but you can have it as your main course without judgement.