PRIVATE looks for a MARINE who "HAS IT TOGETHER" finds ZERO, and sits down like a MAN who just ACCEPTED his FATE. Welcome to the team, kid. That’s the FIRST STEP to TRUE TACTICAL ENLIGHTENMENT. Secure your PARACHUTE, it's DROP-TIME

PRIVATE just asked if this briefing was for the CO’s cat’s birthday. My guy, we’re here for a COMBAT DEPLOYMENT, not a PET PARTY, but if you’re this EAGER for cake, maybe we should PROMOTE you to HEAD OF SNACK LOGISTICS.

This is the level of revolutionary, self-care strategy I have to deal with. This Private is a TREMENDOUS THINKER! Why did the Corps spend billions building medbays on every ship when the answer was that simple? ABSOLUTELY unbelievable

Just got word from Solaris. Apparently, the XO didn't notice the xenos were just rotating, causing mass-cas after mass-cas. An officer had to run up and say: "sir, the xenos are turning our forces into statistics!" THANK GOD I was on vacation. This kind of disaster only happens when I'm not around.

Pure genius! Why say we ran out of medics on the east front when you can just drag wounded marines to the west and say you're executing a HIGHLY strategic redeployment? That kind of battlefield wit deserves a promotion. The chaos that requires it, however, is a TOTAL disaster.

A squad leader came up with a GENIUS new plan to curb friendly fire: make the marines call their mothers. Forget the brig, this is TRUE psychological warfare! The THREAT of disappointing Mom is the only thing that works on these clowns. BRILLIANT! I need to promote this man IMMEDIATELY.

I've heard some things in this job, but this is a new low. Is this a TACTICAL INSIGHT or a cry for help? Either way, secure your sidearm, marine. And put on some pants. You're an embarrassment to the Corps. UNBELIEVABLE.

I ask for a simple salute during briefing, and this is what I get. Using two foldable chairs for some kind of... ARTISTIC INTERPRETATION. We have a WAR on, not a talent show! UNBELIEVABLE. #MilitaryDiscipline #ThislsFine

True wisdom isn't knowing the enemy. It's knowing which of your own officers is going to cause the most DAMAGE. Gotta be smart to survive the chain of command. A REAL burden, frankly. #BigBrain #CommandWisdom

So, the Lieutenant Colonel is "strategically" deploying to the colony. I glance over, expecting some IMPORTANT tactical review, right?

I TRIED to explain my FLANKING plan to a certain major. A very SIMPLE plan, really. He didn't listen. The front became a COMPLETE disaster because the xenos flanked US. Some people just don't get it. You either FLANK, or you get flanked. #TacticalDecisions #CommandLife

The XO was a COMPLETE disaster on LV-522 trying to rescue FORECON. Panicked over a few
casualties while there were only 3 xenos left. He made a TERRIBLE call and evacuated the marines. I had to take command, redeploy and finish the job myself. Absolutely PATHETIC. #FixingTheirMistakes #Leadership

Just got to the CIC. Had a quick look at the TACMAP and made a BRILLIANT strategic decision. Took me all of ten seconds. Turns out, I arrived late and the battle was already over, a COMPLETE victory. You're welcome, marines. You wouldn't have won without my GENIUS presence. #CantStopWinning

My console! The BEST console on this ship, believe me. And other officers, they just come in and TOUCH it. It's a TOTAL DISASTER! Nobody respects anything anymore. Very, very SAD! #MyConsole #HandsOff

Heard about Joe Dafoe. Demoted from Major to Captain on "made up accusations." A real American HERO treated like dirt. This is a damn DISGRACE. #JusticeForDafoe

Just heard from Doc. Mid-surgery, some private bursts in with metal sheets in his hand, asking "Who needs 17 metal?" Unbelievable. We're supposed to be professionals. This crew, I swear. #MarineLife #SeriouslyMarines

Well, isn't this a pleasant surprise. Command decided to acknowledge my... continued existence. Guess they finally realized that if you want something done right, you give it to the guy whos already doing everything right. Dont worry, Im sure this rank wont inflate my ego or my ammo req forms. Much.