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carolinampereira.bsky.social
Carolina | Looking for feedback
@carolinampereira.bsky.social
83 followers 71 following 220 posts
Born to be a writer, forced to be a software engineer | she/her | 25yo | Portugal
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carolinampereira.bsky.social
One of the saddest things I ever wrote.

CW: grief

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"Oh, she'll be thrilled." Vanessa commented in a tender voice. "I thought it was so sweet how she dealt with you guys. More than an older sister, she was like a mother." I had to agree. I was overwhelmed by a wave of nostalgia for the trips to school, the private math lessons she gave us, the summer afternoons on the terrace. At the same time, I felt an emptiness. Repeating one of those late afternoons without Daniel here to drive Florence nuts won't be the same. That's when I had the saddest epiphany of all time. What I feel is something close to grief. Finally, I found what I was looking for in the mirror. Daniel's absence is being etched into my mind like a death without a body, a disappearance to be confirmed. I'm learning to live without him always looking over me. And the cure for codependency weighs heavily, chills me, and hurts.
December 7, 2025 at 12:08 PM
carolinampereira.bsky.social
Road trip time!

English on alt

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"With these seats, even I could fall asleep." Ryan said, letting himself sink into the black leather. The new position allowed him to notice other details. "Does this have a sunroof? Super cool! I've never seen a sunroof. How does it work?" "You press the button, it opens, and you sunbathe until you realize it's one of the most useless things a car can have." "That's just talk from someone who has everything and doesn't even care anymore." Ryan retorted. "I don't know, man. I think it's really cool. Open it up, c'mon." It took a little more insistence to counter Jonathan's opinion. But he finally gave in and opened the sunroof. The blue sky shone through the dark glass, illuminating Ryan's face with a smile of fascination. I wish I could be happy with so little. With the simulated click-clack of the turn signals on the speakers, we hit the road. "Don't look at the time on the screen. It's bad for your health." Vanessa said. It was too late. The five and a half hours of travel ahead of us had already jumped out at me on the GPS.
December 5, 2025 at 3:30 PM
carolinampereira.bsky.social
Back to the city he once lived.

CW: mental health struggle, references to psychiatric ward/institutionalization.

English on alt.

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Ryan kept comparing this city to the one we grew up in, all his comparisons tinged with pride. This one is darker, with more shady alleyways, more stores with newspaper-covered windows. However, the view of the illuminated castle atop the hill and the cobblestone streets instead of cement enchanted him enough not to miss his favorite colorful coffee shop. I realized I have no stories to tell about this city. It doesn't know me. I'm just an intruder who couldn't even pretend to live nearby. I'd retreated into a bubble no bigger than our house, the equestrian center, and school. Now that I'm back, I want to walk every street, enter every store, make up for the time I was nothing but a ghost. I also want to be honest and admit that my real desire is to rewrite the only story this place knows about me—that of a dead inside boy who ended up in the psychiatric ward three times.
December 4, 2025 at 10:43 AM
carolinampereira.bsky.social
No alarms and no surprises

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December 3, 2025 at 3:20 PM
carolinampereira.bsky.social
Some reporting

English on alt

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“I really don't know what to say to you,” Ryan sighed. “I just stood there staring, controlling my own stomach. You didn't pay me for that.” ​“I don't even have to pay you. I don't need you to play mother or servant. I just need you to—” ​“I know, I know,” he cut me off. It didn't even sound like his voice. “Short leash, eyes up, company, yadayada. Listen. I'm not going to pretend it was just a bad tummy ache. One hundred percent he was tripping.” ​“Better to assume the worst and have it be nothing than the opposite. Do you think something happened? What were you talking about?” ​“Nothing special, really. The only thing I see that might have affected him was that I fell—” ​“You fell??” The concern came out too aggressive. ​“Wow, you two are so alike. Peter also got all worked up right away. It wasn't serious, everything was under control. But he told me about the accident he had, and perhaps that brought something to the surface.”
December 2, 2025 at 5:09 PM
carolinampereira.bsky.social
Back from a few days break.
Restarting the streak with a Daniel moment.

English on alt

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I was falling apart. Not even the crumbs from the makeshift dinner stayed between my fucking fingers, much less what really matters. I ate the slice in half a dozen bites, already out of patience to avoid getting all messy. I picked up my phone again and got annoyed that it insisted the fingers I was using to unlock it didn't belong to me. "Don't get worked up." Peter advised, not caring much. "Eventually, you'll manage to unlock. And it won't be force that helps you." When I finally managed to get the empty chat to look at me again, Peter stood up. He snatched the napkin from my hand, while tenderly placing a hand on my head. They were encouraging caresses, but they translated into "you messed up, now clean it up." I wish this was about the crumbs on the sofa and my shorts.
December 1, 2025 at 3:17 PM
carolinampereira.bsky.social
Diogo and mess are synonyms

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"I thought we were supposed to meet here at five." Peter commented, finally gathering the courage to enter. "Did I misunderstand?" "I said seven, like seven in the afternoon." Peter tilted his head back and murmured something. The mystery of his early arrival is solved. "If you prefer the twenty-four-hour format, it was scheduled for nineteen." I cleared up the misunderstanding while pondering what to do with the random stuff that was already piling up against the wall on my desk. I decided to throw everything into the drawer where most of the bulk junk lived. I only orient myself in chaos. Only then do I know where my things are. Ideas and a creative atmosphere emerge from these piles of uncategorized things. I can't let it flow if everything is tidy and hidden in shelves, drawers, and cabinets. The only exception to the rule is the sanctuary. That, indeed, is a tidy and clean space. Aside from the fact that there are guitar picks sprouting from the ground and poorly coiled cables.
November 27, 2025 at 6:32 PM
carolinampereira.bsky.social
Peter is having fun

English on alt

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And so miles passed. The music blared, some louder than others. Black Eyed Peas was always a hit. We even got an epic rendition of Britney Spears' "Toxic" by Ryan. He didn't miss a single syllable, and his falsetto was strangely in tune. He must have rehearsed well. Of course, I didn't get to stay quiet in my corner as a spectator for long. They started pulling me into the middle of the party. Melanie grabbed my wrists to make me clap. Vanessa insisted I told her what songs I know by heart. Don't put me in charge of DJing unless you want to ruin the atmosphere. My playlists are anything but danceable. Okay. I have to admit. I was having fun. Time sped up, devouring miles. All the energy in the car kept my eyes from closing again. Maybe this trip isn't such a bad idea after all. Nothing like a little party to drown the demons.
November 26, 2025 at 9:11 AM
carolinampereira.bsky.social
Right before their first kiss

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I couldn't stand listening to him rattling off words like someone answering a question on an English test anymore. "I'm terrible at this, sorry." He laughed, embarrassed. "I'll help you." I took a deep breath and organized my thoughts into a sentence. It wasn't the best. Maybe it wasn't even the truest, but it was what I wanted him to hear. "Even though Vitória offended me and even though I was unfair to her..." My voice broke in anguish, as if I had a system that censored me every time my words didn't reflect my thoughts. Now, even if I wanted to, I couldn't finish the sentence. Not when Jonathan interrupted his brisk walk to block my path on the sandy path that climbed through the pine forest. I had been under his gaze countless times, but he had never looked at me with the determination with which I see him staring at the instructions on a test, the calculator screen, or an obstacle in a circus ring. We became each other's next challenge.
November 25, 2025 at 9:34 AM
carolinampereira.bsky.social
Ryan's first time going to the beach

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On the fifth day, there was light, separating me from the darkness. The day dawned blue and warm, with that musicality that only the summer sun knows how to sing. Our spirits lifted with the fog. The mornings spent loafing in bed and the nights at Jonathan's house playing board games were over. Ryan almost cried when he stepped onto the beach sand. He had already seen the sea the day we arrived, but it was like it were his first time again. He threw his backpack on the ground and ran to the sea, wading into the surf. The screams we thought were of euphoria were, in fact, from the thermal shock. So that Melanie would earn the right to laugh with us, we forced her to try the water. But since she's not of this world, she found the temperature tolerable.
November 24, 2025 at 9:09 AM
carolinampereira.bsky.social
Reward after a hike in the mountains

Nonstinden, Rorbu, Lofoten, Norway

#Norway #Lofoten #photography #travel
Panoramic view from Nonstinden, Rorbu, Lofoten. Small coastal village with colourful houses, calm blue water, several marinas with boats, and rugged mountains in the distance under a bright sky with scattered clouds.
November 23, 2025 at 8:42 PM
carolinampereira.bsky.social
Beyond global

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"When I get rich, I'll pay for everyone's therapy." I joked. "You can drop that weight. Nothing interferes with the four Weirdos. Not even my biggest platonic crush." Tam chuckled softly. I reached out my hand to seal the pact, but she had other ideas. She pulled me into a tight hug. This time she was careful not to get my clothes dirty or break my ribs. I absorbed every second of that comfortable warmth, wishing she would never again feel even a pang of pain. However, I'm too stupid and decided to say the worst thing that could have come out of my mouth at that moment: "Whatever we call each other, promise me you won't leave me alone." "Ry…" She stroked my hair. I pressed her closer to my chest. "Nobody abandons anyone. That's also written in the universal laws of friendship." "True." I smiled again.
November 23, 2025 at 12:00 PM
carolinampereira.bsky.social
Ryan gets a difficult job

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"Why me? Why… why exactly?" "Because I'm not going to trust Jonathan alone this time. Because I know you can effortlessly put a smile on his face. And because I have a terrible feeling." The last words came out hoarse. "What he said yesterday was suspicious. He's clearly delusional. He starts talking about visions and all that shit." He shook his head quickly. "I don't fucking like it." My heart raced with the effort of carrying something so fragile and heavy in my inexperienced hands. I didn't feel capable of doing this. Much less after only a few months ago having started talking to Peter again. "You mentioned Jonathan. It makes sense, they've been studying together. And I realize that part of the time he's away and can't always be there for his brother." I thought aloud. "So what about your mother?" "She does what she can." He said in the same way he could have told me to shut up. "That's good. But maybe it would make more sense for you to ask Mel. They're super close. And she knows how to handle him." I heard him breathing heavily. I squeezed my legs together to keep his impatience from overcoming my need for clarification. "That's out of the question." He made that perfectly clear. "Do you really want to put a girl who believes in spirits, crystals, stars, and shit in charge of dealing with a guy who has visions of the beyond?" I shaked my head in defeat as a reply.
November 22, 2025 at 4:18 PM
carolinampereira.bsky.social
But baby it's cold outside

English version on alt

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It wasn't just the images forming in my mind that gave me chills. The night was too cold for the heat of the day. Maybe I should have brought a coat after all. Dan approached me with his black jacket extended toward me. "No need." I refused, somewhat embarrassed. It wasn't that I wouldn't feel good wearing his clothes again after all these years. "I'll run to the car. Thanks." "Put this on and shut up before my arm starts hurting." He insisted, colder than the air outside. I took the denim jacket and was surprised by its weight. It had a worn look, and the color was fading near the seams, but the quality was far above anything I could ever hang on my wardrobe. Despite being a hundred sizes too big for me, the comfort was indescribable. It felt like it was made of hugs and headpats.
November 21, 2025 at 10:40 AM
carolinampereira.bsky.social
In the context of horoscopes and compatibility of signs in love and life (and also Peter getting lost staring at Mel)

English on alt.

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"What is it?" She asked, a blush spreading across her cheeks. "Nothing." I was going to look away, but I stopped myself. Her eyes are greener than usual. "I was just thinking that I don't believe in that chart, because in no timeline would I consider myself compatible with Jonathan." "Neither would I with you." He grumbled. Melanie narrowed her eyes. She knew I was avoiding the question. Still, she played along. "As I said, there are other factors. Maybe Jonathan's ascendant will give us clues. The conjunctions of different energies…" Sensing the start of another astrological monologue, Ryan interrupted. "Mel, we all know that Jona is the product of a special cosmic alignment."
November 20, 2025 at 9:32 AM
carolinampereira.bsky.social
A bit lost in translation with the Portuguese version of the Ferrero Rocher ad, but it is what it is.

English on alt

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"Are you going to stand there for long?" He asked me assertively, waking me from my reverie. "Sorry, I spaced out." I was about to open the back door of the car when his voice cut through the air again. "Do I look like a butler?" He sighed before getting into the driver's seat. It took a few seconds for the necessary synapses to make me realize that there wasn't a third person in the car acting as the driver and that I was supposed to sit in the front with him. I hurried to get in before he drove off without me. I felt myself blush when I looked to the side and saw Dan gripping the steering wheel as if he were strangling a wild animal. He seemed to be murdering everything with his eyes, including my presence. I felt super self-conscious. Even the position of my feet seemed wrong.
November 19, 2025 at 4:25 PM
carolinampereira.bsky.social
Confusing boundaries

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Melanie laughed, more a melodic chirp than an actual laugh. She tucked a strand of red hair behind her ear. That second gold hoop earring was new. “You look pretty.” I heard myself say. My mouth hung open with disbelief. With a quickness that was almost cute from how embarrassed she got, she lowered her gaze and laced her fingers together. Then she peeked at me from the corner of her eye. We both looked away at the same time. No idea what happened to us. The boundaries we'd drawn over time seemed to have receded. Or maybe they never included compliments of that kind. I don't know the rules of this game anymore. I let myself fall against a post. Maybe if I don't pay attention to it, the awkward silence will go away.
November 18, 2025 at 2:33 PM
carolinampereira.bsky.social
Fetus Daniel already knew romance wasn't worth it

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"Why the hell would I want anything to do with her?" He blinked quickly, annoyed. After a heavy sigh, he straightened up as if he were about to give a lecture. "Dating and crushes? No, thank you. What do you see in each other? I have better things to do than spend all my time clinging to some girl. Where's the commitment in that? It's a shitty game. That's all. Today you're head over heels for Vanessa, tomorrow you're drooling over Francisca." Now calmer, he looked at me with an apologetic gaze and grabbed my shoulders. "Sorry to shatter your dreams, but I don't plan on developing romantic feelings for anyone now, or in the next hundred years." "Hmm, hmm." I agreed sarcastically. "Never mind, one day you'll understand. I should have recorded this conversation to show you when you introduce me to your girlfriend." "Keep dreaming." "Don't tell me you're gay." I was joking, but the flame in Daniel's eyes showed that someone wasn't happy. "Say that again, Duckling." Said like that, I hate even more the name he gave me. "I only touch a guy if it's to punch him. I can start with you."
November 17, 2025 at 2:04 PM
carolinampereira.bsky.social
"Poor" Jonathan

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"Show off." I threw at him, pointing with my chin at the Jaguar SUV where he was packing my bags. "If I hear that again today, next time I'll shove you all in the back of the Mini. And woe to the first one who complains." The tone urged him to slam the trunk shut with brute force, just like Daniel usually does. But the motorized latch was only meant for fake laughs and champagne glasses. I wasn't the last to arrive. I saw Ryan crossing the street with what must have been the most fluorescent trolley in the universe. He started running when he saw us, waking up the entire neighborhood with the noise of the wheels on the cement. "Wow. What a cruiser." Ryan commented, while we waited for the trunk to open, again in his ridiculously slow and pompous way. Jonathan turned his back, pinching his nose.
November 16, 2025 at 10:43 AM
carolinampereira.bsky.social
Gotta get back to editing this chapter.

English on alt

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"Maybe you're right," I started, feeling annoyed at Melanie’s reaction. "But are you sure you’re speaking from the heart? What you said felt way too rational. You think that’s normal? You think it’s ok for him to do that to you? Or basically do that right in front of her boyfriend?" "I thought you said you didn’t really know what kind of relationship that girl had with your friend. Maybe they’re in an open thing, maybe there’s no motivation to keep exclusivity…" Melanie looked frustrated at having her train of thought interrupted again. "There you go, assumptions. And if I got it right, you just want your dose of drama so you don’t feel alone in this fight you have going on against the male gender. As much as I want to help you, it’s gonna have to be in another way. I’m not jealous. I don’t own Peter. Contrary to what people think, we’re just friends. I don’t have a crush on him, I don’t see him like that." She shrugged and smiled. "Honestly, I was even happy about what you told me. It’s a sign of solid progress that he can let himself be that vulnerable around someone. I’d like to meet her and thank her."
November 15, 2025 at 9:10 PM
carolinampereira.bsky.social
Some tarot reading

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We only stopped laughing when Mel threw three cards down in front of me. She flipped them over one by one, dragging out the suspense for no reason. "The stars say Ryan’s in trouble." Mel announced. "These cards are worrying, even for someone who doesn’t believe in them. What the hell is this anyway?" I grabbed the middle card and read the name. "The Hanged Man? Jesus Christ." "No, Jesus Christ was crucified." I looked at her with a flat smile, doing my best not to crack up. Mel had stolen my joke. "The Hanged Man, the Devil, and the Lovers." Mel whistled. "Time for you to change your surroundings before you bury yourself in dangerous romances." "That reading’s a week late, Mel." I leaned back, still holding the card. The guy in the illustration didn’t look bothered at all. He just hung there, smiling like he’d found peace in the middle of chaos. "A bit of adrenaline in love is always good. Besides, I’ve already changed my perspective." "Trust the stars." Mel insisted, with that mysterious tone that always makes me want to laugh.
November 14, 2025 at 10:51 AM
carolinampereira.bsky.social
From yesterday's session

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I discovered that I didn't need to tire myself out deciding what to do about Jonathan's invitation after all. The decision the majority made was also my decision. Democracy at its best, except nobody consulted me about it. Oh well, that's what you get when you abstain. Now I have Jonathan standing outside the building waiting for the elevator to cooperate so I can go down. It's the first time I've used the elevator. I don't have the energy to go down three flights of stairs with a backpack and a trolley. With a jolt, the elevator door opened, revealing a flickering white light and a mirror covered in fingerprints. I got in, dragging the trolley behind me. For some reason, perhaps related to having only slept three hours, I hesitated between pressing 1 or 0. I should have realized sooner that the fact that the 0 button was green was a clue. I ended up on the wrong floor. To make matters worse, someone from the 1st floor was also waiting for the elevator, so I had to endure the awkward interaction that followed.
November 13, 2025 at 11:05 AM
carolinampereira.bsky.social
Finally found the right title for this chapter

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Vanessa guided us to where Jonathan would be. We entered through one of the double rows of stalls. The space was cramped and improvised with a cloth awning and black rubber flooring that intensified the smells in the hot air. Grooms and riders walked back and forth with tack, feed, and some focused and tired faces. An orchestra of hooves, creaking harnesses, snaps opening and closing, and the low hum of conversations filled the already heavy atmosphere. It was hard to imagine Jonathan decompressing in this place. The horses themselves, still recovering from the adrenaline, were restless, anxious to get out of there. The worst part is that they still have a trailer trip ahead of them. Almost at the end of the corridor, we found Jonathan with the groom. Already without his coat, he was wearing a white polo shirt stuck to his skin with sweat, and his hair was flat. He was unfastening Kris's girth while the groom prepared a bucket and shampoo. We hesitated at the entrance to the pit, unsure whether we should interrupt the post-competition choreography.
November 12, 2025 at 6:38 PM
carolinampereira.bsky.social
I thought I had nothing for today. Turns out I forgot this gem.

English on alt text

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"I thought you were tired of me and were going to drop me off at home." I commented, uncomfortable with Dan's preference for shortcuts and back roads. "Where are we going?" "There's a clearing up ahead that's good for me to test my butcher knife, y'know? I'll slice you like a meat loaf. I'll soak you in gasoline and drop a lighter. Accidentally." Dan said this with chilling nonchalance. His impassive expression sent a chill down my spine, leaving me breathless, unsure if he was joking or not. Our Father who art in Heaven… Dan glanced at me sideways with a twisted smile. I slid back in my seat and closed my eyes to pray more earnestly. I heard an energetic laugh and opened one eye to see him almost crying with laughter. "For fuck's sake, Ry! You too?" He exclaimed, and laughed again at my terrified face. "Does everyone think I'm crazy now?"
November 11, 2025 at 9:15 AM
carolinampereira.bsky.social
Diogo makes his accent his whole personality sometimes

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“Since we’re on the topic of speech, you’ve got a bit of an accent.” Peter noted, as if to justify the misunderstanding. “Sometimes it gets stronger, in a sort of pattern.” “Oh! So you even noticed a pattern? Go on then, share the findings of your research on my accent.” I did my best impression of the most stereotypical regional accent from back home. Even I cringed at how bad it sounded and silently apologized to everyone I’d just offended with that ridiculous attempt. “When you talk to Jonathan or Vanessa, you don’t even try to hide it.” “I never hide it.” I countered, matching Peter’s tone. “When you’re trying to be funny.” “‘Trying’? Ouch.” “And also when you’re caught off guard.” Peter finished, ignoring my protests.
November 10, 2025 at 9:30 AM