Breaking: USS Gettysburg accidentally launches two SM-6 missiles at Santa's sleigh as it passes over the Red Sea.

81-year-old Congressional Representative Kay Granger has not voted on any legislation since June because she has been LIVING IN A DEMENTIA CARE HOME.

Age. Limits. For. Elected. Officials. NOW.

"Oh, you watched the fight, who lost?"

The audience.

I didn't know Cedric the Entertainer was such a good boxing commentator.

Although I shouldn't be too surprised considering it's right there in his name...

I only sing along to the radio when I'm driving in reverse.

That's because I'm a backup singer.

Have there been any studies on why 2/3 of the people we went to elementary school with wanted to become marine biologists when they grew up?

"I don't respect [Schopenhauer, Kant, and Nietzsche] because it seems to me that most of their time was spent arguing about things that are not really important." - Malcolm X

🤣🤣🤣 X with the shade!

Me as a young adult: *plays music so loud that it challenges the speakers*

Me today: "This grocery store needs to tone it down."

I have ADHD. Hugs are not enough; I need to be crushed by an anaconda.

Call me jaded, but I absolutely do not believe any artist when they say it's their "final" tour. Until you're dead, I'm skeptical.

We need to discuss the real possibility that Selma Hayek is a vampire.

Gonna transfer what few threads I made before I delete that thing.