It feels odd to start over, but with so much more to me in ways that didn't exist before

I'm still figuring out what that means, but...I think I'm happier for it

And that's not getting to the abandonment and abuse that would occur when I'd have those moments

I look back on that and realize, honestly, I'm not sure my family can have what's best for me in mind or even support me on that path

Not without trying to corral me into bullshit they approve of

My family didn't seem to see much purpose in giving up anything for my survival and happiness, so the idea of doing so for myself was as foreign as could be

There were spots of my life where I genuinely began centering myself and my happiness, but it was always under the worst conditions

I've spent so much of my life just on something worse than autopilot

I didn't want to be here for most of it, so I saw purpose in at least sacrificing myself for the happiness of others - just to be baffled on why I'm so damn miserable, especially while talking to them

But planning with hope, happiness, safety, self acceptance, and love at the center, it feels far less threatening and more motivating

I have so many years to look forward to, people I can meet, communities I can build, objectives I want to do

And I had no idea any of that was in me, in all honesty

As I said, I'm planning my life bit by bit

And it's a weird place to be, since I'm so used to planning feeling like a source of obligation, demands, and disappointment

Which is probably why most of my planning attempts would fail in the past: I wasn't planning for me but who I thought I SHOULD be

I'm in an extremely tender place right now, one I'm not keen on sharing with just anyone, so I've kept my work and grief to myself

But I hope, as I navigate through this period of my life, that I'll be able to share it with others

Show that, if I can get through this, you can too

Damn those are AMAZING 😩💙💙💙

Regardless, I'm really looking forward to getting my fluorite dice (YES I FINALLY GOT THEM AFTER SO MANY YEARS 😭💙💙💙) and my Seasons Set of Pub Goblin dice (which I'm ALREADY making sure I have money on hand for the Key Keepers and Helpers Set for October 2nd 🤩)

I also kinda like that it felt like reading a plot point graph, you know? There's something about that very tactile, graphical, cohesive feel that's REALLY satisfying. The mat also helps with getting more precise AND deeper answers based on where the dice lands in relation to each other and when/how

Also quicker than tarot, which I REALLY like! Like some tarot readings can be something I read and reflect on for over a week. Here? It's great for a quick detailed answer, no bullshit. Kinda like what I've heard of Lenormand readings, but even less bullshit - or at least less for me!

Also, I just think this could be fun far as maybe making my own dice as a way to practice carving and shaping gemstone

I honestly may not even need to do this, but I'm figuring it out for now to decide if I just wanna get a regular astrology dice set vs something more custom and complicated