While we were separated & living together he told me he was so upset cause his dream of "impregnating someone" was never going to come true. (He's with a woman who has 3 kids, doesn't want more)

Was he with me in the beginning cause he thought I was a fertile mertle?

Was that atleast part of it?

To this day I honestly don't even trust that he got tested. He would go away to a clinic in another country so no one knew and it couldn't be "traced" or some paranoid shit.
I haven't been tested and I really should but I'm honestly terrified.

I think about this alot.

If he gave me one it would be grounds for divorce. I was NOT kidding. He kept saying that was crazy and raised his point about medications. But that wasn't the point. He didn't hear me. He kept stating his point.

And I'd like to keep it that way. He kept telling me that even if he came home with something it's not that big a deal cause they have meds for those things now and they can be cleared up. No harm no foul.
I said no. I got this far and I don't want any STDs

YES HE WAS RAISED BY WOMEN. DO YOU KNOW WHO THOSE WOMEN ARE HE TRUSTED???!!?? My daughter just stared at him when he said that.....

I keep seeing over and over that he's rewriting history or feigning ignorance.

Then I doubt myself.

I'm shouldering all the blame for the marriage breaking up and I am to blame, I didn't want to live that way anymore.

But the his version vs my version is making me crazy

The week they asked us to go alcohol free was MAYHEM. People were big mad they couldn't even have "one tiny glass of wine" etc. They completely balked at this idea. Pretending cauliflower was rice was perfectly reasonable but not drinking? This is where they drew the line. 🤣

Why was I so worthless that I wasn't even worth pretending for? Everything was such a chore and he made sure I knew what a hassle it was. Everything that has to do with any one else is such a pain for him but he'll do anything for "strangers" He'd do anything for anyone that wasn't me.

I'm sad today cause I'm very sure he's made a big romantic display for the new girl. And she'll be so very wowed by his everything and feel so lucky.

I don't want it. I want to be clear that I'm very happy being single. It's the fact that I know it's an act. Why couldn't he even pretend for me?

Plenty of things in my life were like this. COULD I do the thing? Sure but I'd have to hear an ENDLESS barrage of this so it just wasn't worth it.

As for my prowess at this game, I was only "good" at it cause I "cheated" (used shortcuts). Even though I proved I could play blindfolded