If God exists, I have so many fucking questions for him. The biggest one is why?

Theres no vocabulary to describe the level of evil you have to be in order to participate in that circle of cancer. When I’m not numb with total horror & despair over how impossible it feels to overcome this deeply entrenched level of power, I’m deeply & bitterly enraged. They shouldn’t get to live

Im gonna go smoke and then pop and antipsychotic. See what gappens. The typical monday for a fuckhead like me

Can I grt an amen.!? AMEBN???????

My Silence Will Speak Louder Than All The Words I Never Got To Say. You Will Hear My Truth By Virtue Of My Absence.

God, I earned a few new labels in therapy because of the emotional acid treatment they put me through. Along with EVERYTHING ELSE that came crashing down because of how I neglected my life for them. I never want to be stupid enough to give up everything for some asshole who treats me like shit LOL

Never want to be so fooled by a fantasy of marriage that’s only hung over my head like bait to be used to make me fearful of losing out on something that is killing me, and honestly, would probably never fucking happen lol. I’m tired of being a dog chained in the backyard. Never. Fucking. Again.

I am more real and tangible than paper but you burned me like I was cheaper than overinflated cash being used as a firestarter. That will cost you!

Anyways I really want my life to be different. And better. But its not, and Im already like mid 20’s and marching ever closer to my 30’s. What do I have to show for it? It feels like not much!

I also forgor to mention in my rant to myself that Im completely unmedicated while attempting all of this because I lost my health insurance and the pharaohs curses continue to cock-and-ball torture my fucking skull. Color me surprised and nervous I havent had a psychotic ep yet.

Will my degree and thousands of dollars of debt even be worth anything in the near future? Will I even have anything to show for this by the end of the journey or will I drop out? I really want to do this because my current life is just cope-shit but god the not-knowing fucking sucks as well

Anyways a lot of this is because I have to do college-entrance work and there’s quite a few hoops to jump through, Im running out of time, and though I adore the idea of returning to learning again, the fear of debt & the future as well as my already existing disorders are sabotaging my productivity

Will say I have to take accountability and acknowledge that laziness has had a hand to play in this but also it’s despair and also procrastination and paralysis and fear and intimidation and so on and so forth.

The background radiation reasons are adulthood mental wellness assassination via various childhood traumas, combined mental health issues, disabilities, etc etc, but also a severe lack of self-discipline and ability to carry out long term plans

The giant reason is many current political events that continue to unfold make it so fucking hard to obtain a decent living and every day the ability to obtain said standard is dramatically lifted further and further up out of reach by shithead god-wannabe’s who thrive on poor people’s suffering

For now all I am managing to do is debate myself into carrying on for now but I really worry that eventually I’m going to run out of excuses to do so and that its going to be sooner rather than later.