in a way it’s comforting, like i’m “one step” ahead of death and grief. though you can’t ever be ahead of something like that

it’s strange though, i’m not afraid of dying anymore because i hold hope that when i do ill see all my favorite people again. but i am so afraid of someone else deciding to kick the bucket on a random wednesday. that’s the main reason i stray away from getting too close.

ref i’m tired of playing

and while i’m at it, i’d like my step dad and grandpa back too thanks

and my bestie !!!! but they’re prob doing loads better whenever they are

idk i just don’t have the desire to form close relationships anymore. i’d just rather keep it surface level. you can say you know of me but you can’t say you know me type beat

and as far as like “opening up” to people about stuff, i mean im pretty much an open book, but it’s like when i do open up i only am open verbally. like i’ll tell you whats goin on but im not being vulnerable, and i don’t wanna be talked to as if i am being vulnerable. idk if this makes sense

to me, and then it’s like they can sense when i finally feel comfortable and then they’re gone. i don’t allow that to happen anymore. i don’t let myself feel comfortable with anyone anymore, and it’s honestly kinda sad when i think about it but i feel a lot better now than i did

i used to get sooo attached to people and want to talk and hang out, and now i really really don’t want to be close to anyone. i don’t want to feel like i rely on anyone for anything. and it goes for just friends too. like i’ve had so many people come into my life, play friend for a bit, get close

i don’t want to be relied on. and idk if that comes from being in relationships whether platonic or otherwise, where it felt like being vulnerable, or sharing emotions was condemned. or if it comes from my childhood, or a mixture of both. idk

a sense of fear. like once i hear about your emotions im gonna be responsible. and it sounds sooo fucked up i realize that. and dgmw, i still like to listen, but i just feel fear of becoming like an emotional support. if that makes any sense?? like i wanna be there for people but

esp in terms of romantic partners, ive been in relationships where it felt like i’d have to poke and prod to figure out what was wrong, or just to get a sense of emotion out of them. it kinda felt like the topic of emotions were off the table. and i hated it, so deeply but now i feel like

i don’t allow myself to get close to anyone really. i’d like to, but i don’t like waiting for a shoe to drop