Lightnews — Scholar-powered news

Dad Jokes

@dadsaysjokes.com

12K followers 1 following 1.7K posts

Your go-to page for daily dad jokes 👨🤣

Posts Media Videos Starter Packs

Pinned

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · Aug 20

Shout out to everyone who can remember every word to some random 80s song but can't remember the password they created yesterday

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 8h

l've often heard that “icy" is the easiest word to spell.

Looking at it now, I see why.

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 11h

I've changed my Facebook username to NOBODY...

So now when people post crap, I can press the 'like' button and it'll say NOBODY likes this.

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 1d

Not to brag, but my winter body is already on point and it's not even November.

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 1d

When I yell at my dog to stop barking, I wonder if he's thinking, "this is awesome, we're barking together!"

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 1d

I realized I might be a slightly aggressive driver… when my 3-year-old yelled, “Pick a lane, knucklehead!” while riding in the grocery cart at Walmart.

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 1d

Did you know that “Dammit I'm Mad" spelled backwards is “Dammit I'm Mad"

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 1d

I finally did it! Bought a new pair of shoes with memory foam insoles.

No more forgetting why I walked into the kitchen.

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 1d

If you're being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead.

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 1d

That awkward moment you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is, "act natural, you're innocent"

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 1d

My spirit animal is that one bird that knocks itself unconscious flying into windows.

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 2d

I helped my neighbour out with something this morning and she said to me, "I could marry you".

I couldn't believe it....

You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 2d

A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Caesar walked into a bar.

He came, he saw, he conquered.

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 2d

I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk, but when I fart, the room smells lovely.

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 2d

My wife texted me this morning and said, "Your great."

I replied: “No, you're great."

She's been in a great mood ever since. I should correct her grammar more often.

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 3d

I like using big words that I don't fully understand to make myself sound more
photosynthesis.

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 3d

My body is a temple.

Ancient, crumbling, cursed and probably haunted.

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 3d

A man asked me for a dollar. I told him I only carry big bills.

He asked for one of those. I gave him my electric bill.

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 3d

Principal: Your son is always causing problems at school.

Dad: He causes problems at home too, but do I call you?

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 3d

When l was a kid, bedtime was 9pm and l couldn't wait to grow up and go to bed anytime l wanted.

Turns out that's 9pm.

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 3d

I was on a flight with my 3 kids. When a lady asked "Are all those your kids?"

I replied “No, I work for a condom company, these are customer complaints!!"

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 3d

I'm so close to becoming a billionaire!

I have all the zeros, now I just need a one.

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 4d

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...

I really need to wash some mugs.

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 4d

77% of people are idiots.

Fortunately, I belong to the 33% of intelligent people.

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 4d

Humans are the only species that would cut down trees, make paper out of them, and then write, “Save the trees" on it.

Dad Jokes @dadsaysjokes.com · 4d