My mom took Tylenol when she was pregnant with me and got me vaccinated so it's actually a miracle that I can tie my own shoes maybe think of that next time you want to make fun of me for thinking that Burn Notice was a good show
December 9, 2025 at 9:18 PM
My mom took Tylenol when she was pregnant with me and got me vaccinated so it's actually a miracle that I can tie my own shoes maybe think of that next time you want to make fun of me for thinking that Burn Notice was a good show
Dean Koontz is just running around looking like Michael Winslow in Spaceballs for some reason
December 9, 2025 at 9:17 PM
Dean Koontz is just running around looking like Michael Winslow in Spaceballs for some reason
It's weird to market Uncrustables to children. It's super quick and easy to make a PB&J for your children, whom you love. Uncrustables are for adults, like me, who hate themselves.
December 9, 2025 at 9:16 PM
It's weird to market Uncrustables to children. It's super quick and easy to make a PB&J for your children, whom you love. Uncrustables are for adults, like me, who hate themselves.
"Hey Google, play Hey Man Nice Shot by Filter."
September 11, 2025 at 12:54 AM
"Hey Google, play Hey Man Nice Shot by Filter."
I bet that lady at the Phillies game is at home right now sitting on a pile of stolen baseballs like a clutch of eggs hoping new children will hatch to replace the ones that no longer speak to her.
September 6, 2025 at 6:47 AM
I bet that lady at the Phillies game is at home right now sitting on a pile of stolen baseballs like a clutch of eggs hoping new children will hatch to replace the ones that no longer speak to her.
Be careful out there guys someone offered my buddy coke in a bar bathroom and the government blew up the bar with a fuckin cruise missile.
September 6, 2025 at 6:47 AM
Be careful out there guys someone offered my buddy coke in a bar bathroom and the government blew up the bar with a fuckin cruise missile.
Trump died a week ago so now they just put a MAGA hat on a pile of that pink goo McDonald's makes chicken nuggets out of and hooked a car battery to it.
September 6, 2025 at 6:47 AM
Trump died a week ago so now they just put a MAGA hat on a pile of that pink goo McDonald's makes chicken nuggets out of and hooked a car battery to it.
Does a bear shit in the woods? Ask the Charmin bears. Those perverts can't wait to tell you about their bowel movements.
September 5, 2025 at 4:25 AM
Does a bear shit in the woods? Ask the Charmin bears. Those perverts can't wait to tell you about their bowel movements.
RFK Jr. is 100% the guy that wouldn't tell the group if he got bit.
September 4, 2025 at 10:57 PM
RFK Jr. is 100% the guy that wouldn't tell the group if he got bit.
Is Highlights Magazine still around poisoning children's minds with hopeful visions of a technologically advanced, utopian future?
September 4, 2025 at 4:35 PM
Is Highlights Magazine still around poisoning children's minds with hopeful visions of a technologically advanced, utopian future?
Five episodes into Alien: Earth and not one person has punched an alien and said, "Welcome to Earth!"
September 3, 2025 at 2:42 AM
Five episodes into Alien: Earth and not one person has punched an alien and said, "Welcome to Earth!"
I saw the Adolescents last night and boy does that band name continue to grow more ironic with relentless passage of time.
May 30, 2025 at 9:51 PM
I saw the Adolescents last night and boy does that band name continue to grow more ironic with relentless passage of time.
Golfers making everyone be completely silent so they can hit a ball that isn't moving is such a total weiner move.
May 24, 2025 at 9:22 PM
Golfers making everyone be completely silent so they can hit a ball that isn't moving is such a total weiner move.
RFK jr. emerging from that creek like Baron Harkonnen if he was from Florida and on Ozempic.
May 21, 2025 at 4:07 PM
RFK jr. emerging from that creek like Baron Harkonnen if he was from Florida and on Ozempic.
Before judging him, consider that occasionally submerging himself in a creek full of raw sewage is the only thing keeping RFK jr. alive.
May 21, 2025 at 4:04 PM
Before judging him, consider that occasionally submerging himself in a creek full of raw sewage is the only thing keeping RFK jr. alive.
God gave Chicago the papacy but took Geroge Wendt.
May 20, 2025 at 9:28 PM
God gave Chicago the papacy but took Geroge Wendt.
If only Elon's autistic side was being empowered and not his psychotic side. Instead of dismantling the Dept of Education, we could have decibel limits on lawn equipment and a ban on tags in shirt collars.
May 9, 2025 at 7:40 PM
If only Elon's autistic side was being empowered and not his psychotic side. Instead of dismantling the Dept of Education, we could have decibel limits on lawn equipment and a ban on tags in shirt collars.
When I was younger, being distracted and on my phone a lot at work was because I was dating someone new. Now it just means it's baseball season.
March 29, 2025 at 7:06 PM
When I was younger, being distracted and on my phone a lot at work was because I was dating someone new. Now it just means it's baseball season.
Spiders see how many bugs you kill and view you as competition. That is why they crawl into your mouth and nose while you sleep. They are trying to choke you.
March 22, 2025 at 4:24 PM
Spiders see how many bugs you kill and view you as competition. That is why they crawl into your mouth and nose while you sleep. They are trying to choke you.
Trying to get the water temp just right in a shower that has separate hot and cold knobs feels like you're cracking a safe in an old western
March 20, 2025 at 3:04 AM
Trying to get the water temp just right in a shower that has separate hot and cold knobs feels like you're cracking a safe in an old western
If someone really did invent a time machine and use it to kill Hitler, they would be arrested immediately upon their return because, "We don't condone political violence in this country."
March 20, 2025 at 3:03 AM
If someone really did invent a time machine and use it to kill Hitler, they would be arrested immediately upon their return because, "We don't condone political violence in this country."
That's like Ford saying they made the perfect car by getting drunk drivers to help design them.
March 2, 2025 at 3:17 AM
That's like Ford saying they made the perfect car by getting drunk drivers to help design them.
Like archeologists learning the habits of a tribe by unearthing their ancient clay pots, evidence of a great plague exists in the long empty hand sanitizer dispensers attached to the walls of every bar and restaurant
March 1, 2025 at 1:28 AM
Like archeologists learning the habits of a tribe by unearthing their ancient clay pots, evidence of a great plague exists in the long empty hand sanitizer dispensers attached to the walls of every bar and restaurant
Proposing we update the phrase , "the lunatics have taken over the asylum," to, "the trolls have taken over the White House."
February 28, 2025 at 10:53 PM
Proposing we update the phrase , "the lunatics have taken over the asylum," to, "the trolls have taken over the White House."
Old ladies favorite things to do are number one making a face after saying something funny like they're breaking the 4th wall to make sure you acknowledge their joke and number two asking restaurants to turn the music down
February 28, 2025 at 8:08 PM
Old ladies favorite things to do are number one making a face after saying something funny like they're breaking the 4th wall to make sure you acknowledge their joke and number two asking restaurants to turn the music down