My psychic knows me like the front of her hand.

#comedy #palmreading #science #tigersharks

What I meant to say was "I know OF karate..."

#funny #martialarts #mma #moma

Don't call poison control to ask how to get a snake bite anecdote. They NEVER STOP TALKING.

#comedy #snakes #wordplay #tacobell

Finding out that your hand has become too fat to fit in the Pringles can in the same moment you realize your mouth is now wide enough to fit around it.

Checkmate, atheists.

#comedy #snacking #astrophysics

Our front porch seems like a haven for wasps. I've just stopped answering the doorbell altogether.

#petpeeve #ugh #funny #wypipo

If you think about it... all sandwiches are "open face".

#lunch #sandwiches #hungry #UHC

It took our waiter 20 minutes to bring the check. His ambulance got here in six. Weird.

#comedy #finedining #notreally #gordonramsay

If ADHD was a person, I would immediately need to ask about those shoes.

#adhd #funny #lol #foodtruck

My school days story about ripping my pants after a mid-air flip in a bounce house and then attempting to use the classroom stapler to fix them gets better when I add that I... was...the... teacher.

#shame #comedy #teacher #superbowl2025

We don't want to admit that technology has brought us closer while on different toilets.

#pottyhumor #funny #deep #fortune500

Just realized, I don't think I've ever checked for an expiration date on a package of Little Debbie snack cakes.

#bluesky #deepthoughts #snack #nfl