love and happiness. I should be strengthening my community and finding solace in those who love me. Because those are my strong suits now, not the cold embrace of a world without color, and hateful watch of a ghoul in the mirror.

Uhhh anyways, hope everyone's day is going well and I love u <3

should dig deep in the face of adversity and fight like hell to reach the other side. I shouldn't look for an out at every chance I get, one last side road to hop on to when this one gets too bumpy. I should be looking for the strength I have found in the many years that I've surrounded myself with

this world is only getting worse for me and others like me, I can not allow myself to be idle and to be rid of it as I would have wanted when I was younger.

I suppose what I really need to do, is to not look for another set of ideals to hold close to myself as a last ditch effort, but rather, I

Although, I doubt I'd find something as effective at altering my life path as that accursed item has, I hope that I find one that fits my current viewpoints and goals much better. I hope it etches itself into my soul and forces me to brave this world better than I have in the past. Because,

exist anymore, I'm not who I once was and that secret isn't going to save me from myself anymore, if it ever even would've to begin with.

I have to figure out how to find a new way to live cause the old rune tucked I shuffle around under prying eyes isn't working anymore.

nobody is looking and when nobody expects! No matter what I do nobody can take that from me! But, who I am now, isn't that person who would execute that plan. I have no need for it anymore, that sad lonely fucked up little kid that doesn't know what's wrong with them and is in a fucked home doesn't

that never end, or my decaying body that I've never gave more than a rat's ass about, or the meal prepping that I never got back around to, and so on and so forth because in the end... I've always got my one true little secret tucked neatly behind my back that nobody knows about, that I'll use when

process. I can't handle that, because maybe, just maybe, I won't be able to come back from that, and I'll have nothing in my corner except for my last little secret, and I'll feel it all at once, and call it there.

So I'm constantly stuck with half finished one-offs, and grand stories

finish my projects because If I see myself through to the end and I don't like it, I can't eject myself from it, It's done, there is no saving it anymore. Trying and failing has never been something that I've been comfortable with, especially since it means there's potential to get hurt in the

me, spoiled my viewpoint on so much of my life, tainted my very essence, I don't see my life anymore as a one and done sort of thing that I have to pack as many good experiences in as possible, and therefore I could go out and do whatever I want - in fact, the very opposite has happened! I don't

so much so, that the many vivid dreams I have, focus on this exact topic. I've had many times where I've woken up because I hit a point in my dream I cant come back from and done the deed.

Since, this is something that I've always seen as in the ring with me as my secret weapon, I think it's ruined

I'm gonna finally do it. Obviously, I am NOT going to do that. I've promised against that to the one person I devote my life to, I can't do it no matter how often it pinpricks at the back of my thoughts. But, It's buried deep in my psyche as the one true backup,

with that comes this battle between what I've always believed and what I have become. I think this is why it is so hard for me to stay consistent with any hobby that I've ever enjoyed and have gotten familiar with, because the secret forces me to believe that eventually