veneers but for fingernails. they drill them bad boys on

if you amassed all the old man toe dust I've inhaled by the end of my nursing career, I bet you could build one of those Spy Kids henchmen

they should invent a shampoo that tastes bad

I love a shower in the dark, illuminated only by the pale moonlight of phone

jack off all trades, masturbate none

a "Baby on Board" sticker is like the opposite of a "This driver carries less than $20" sticker. it tells me there is something worth stealing from the vehicle

my push notifications keeping me humble

got yelled at for embroidering my condoms again. when will the world understand my art

between the invention of medieval greaves and steel toed boots was the short lived brass knuckles for feet. their only use was if you needed to break every toe you got in a jiffy

if I was hot I would only use my looks for evil and comedy. dipping my wick would be the last thing on my mind

speedrunning the kind of social media engagement I'm looking for

They should make a Hozier but for women

They should make a Deftones but for hot goths

They should make hyperpop but for trans fems

I kneel with both arms open, prepared to accept my fate 🙏

there should be an equivalent of rock climbing gyms but for caving

just roll up to a big ass warehouse next to a strip mall and attempt to force your body between giant foam rocks, uncertain if you'll make it or perish in the narrowing gaps, and little shitbird kids fly by you and make it look easy

fish are special because they're the only pet it's chill to jerk off in front of.

also they breathe liquid

not a day goes by I don't daydream about drilling a hole in my head. I know it would improve my life

so this just in but WD-40 does NOT cure COVID. but the good news is my sneezes don't make a sound anymore

a weighted blanket is not enough. I need to be wrapped up in a guard rail

that good Appalachian graffiti

"get low" has always confused me because Lil Jon sings as though there's a time sweat isnt drippin off his balls. I don't think I've enjoyed a dry scrote in all my days 😔 oh to have the moisture control of little jon

URGENT: what's the fastest way to uncream your jeans