It's not masochistic, it's proof of self, i don't get mad at things, i get mad at concepts, and something being difficult is a concept i enjoy because it means there's a reason to do it

i'll take the hardest way to do it then find ways to make that hardest way easier, then i'll do the easier way, to me i earned the ease

The easy way is not what i find fun, fun is the way that earns me merit, the way that let's me have a first-hand experience with something and have proper opinion on something people refuse to do or try just off word of mouth,

Thank you, Hazel, for being my friend. Thank you for saving me from attempts & thank you for the time we dated. Thank you for existing, thank you for being there when i was young and going through the realization that i'm not a singlet. Thank you for everything.

You'll never see this, but thank you

Now, about 2 years later, i still think about that, and how i felt. I still get extreme anxiety whenever she mentions alcohol. Every bottle i see reminds me of that situation and i wish i could've done anything, though i know all would've been in vain

Once i realised it was her, i finally felt emotion, a mix of everything i felt in regards to life & the situation & i just cried until i passed out, woke up & cried more, as I hadn't processed anything until then.

But when i checked it, it was her. She was in the hospital for severe alcohol poisoning, i believe she mentioned how she needed her stomach pumped, later the psychward iirc.

After an emotional eternity, I got a text from the account, i'm thinking it was her family member or friend who was going to retell me the news i already got & i ignored it for a day, I didn't want to see her final words again...

The world got quieter, the colours were dimmer, usual things that made me smile, and the stuff that annoyed me no matter how many times they happened all just stopped concerning me, & i felt nothing to them, the raw feeling of just existing.

I knew that no matter what i said or did i couldn't prevent it, afterall, her note had said she already took the dose. It wasn't tears, it wasn't pain, it wasn't an emotion i felt, it was just the largest void i felt ever.