Was typing a work email, and almost sent it before remembering I'm a woman and need to insert 40% more exclamation points to make sure I seem gentle and friendly. Close one!

An underrated green flag is someone silently rolling their eyes at your negative self talk like "stfu Brittany, you know you're not a hideous imbecile, this is not cute"

What is the moral of the itsy bitsy spider. Are we inspired by its perseverance or cautioned by its failure to learn from consequences. Discuss.

Happy Spring! Time to start feeling embarrassed every time you accidentally date a document 2024

Therapists when their client makes a joke: "Clearly you're trying to avoid these painful emotions. Let's explore that."

Therapists making a joke: "Wait why aren't you laughing. Clearly you're having trouble connecting with joy. Let's explore that."

How come tailors are always mad

Pretty sure the evolutionary purpose of the pinky toe is to get jammed on the coffee table occasionally so we stay humble in this life

You ever just get really sad about the library at Alexandria?

I was using an eyelash curler and had the thought "what if there was an earthquake right now" and I have officially unlocked a new fear

Human bodies are so delicate. Blood not getting somewhere? Dead. Blood somewhere it's not supposed to be? Dead. Sit out in the sun without water? Dead. Something you were chewing gets in your air hole, which is RIGHT NEXT TO the food hole? Dead. We're basically bonsai trees with legs.

Is whoever decided we should all be getting 10k steps a day aware that not everyone is an Amazon warehouse worker

I was today years old when I realized that the counting-sheep-to-fall-asleep thing is a roast of lazy shepherds. Like guys would fall asleep on the job so much that they're saying the act of counting sheep to make sure they are all there causes you to doze off. It was the biblical stats textbook.

Went to a steak place the other night that was so fancy that part of the experience is they call you the next day to ask how everything was and I cannot overstate how much I do not want that

Who called it Generalized Anxiety and not Pre-traumatic Stress Disorder

Me: The entire field of personality testing is based on oversimplifications with limited clinical utility.

Also me: Not to brag, but according to this Buzzfeed quiz my aura is indigo

Never in human history has a smoke detector started chirping during waking hours.

If you don't have at least three bruises on your legs that you can't remember how you got are you even a white woman