Double Bay Today
LightNews LightNews
doublebaytoday.bsky.social
Double Bay Today
@doublebaytoday.bsky.social
44 followers 5 following 190 posts
Australian satire news publication
Posts Replies Media Videos
doublebaytoday.bsky.social
UNCHARTED TERRITORY: Sydney PR executive Sally Bell is in therapy after venturing so far west she actually spotted a Red Rooster fast food outlet at Summer Hill. The Double Bay resident says she took a wrong turn out of the Cross City Tunnel, and then got lost near Leichhardt yesterday. While there, she caught a glimpse of the archaic looking chicken shop. “OMG, what the hell is that?” Ms Bell exclaimed. “Is that Western Sydney's version of Chargrill Charlie’s?” Now she's been treated for PTSD caused by being so far out into the western suburbs. Her sessions include exposure to pictures of fast-food logos, and the occasional western suburbs restaurant menu. "I just need some time to process," she told DBT. "The furthest west I'd been out previously was the Broadway Shopping Centre."
December 29, 2025 at 9:25 PM
doublebaytoday.bsky.social
SAFETY WAVE: Drivers are legally required to stop for pedestrians at crossings, but a new report shows thanking them can reduce the chance of a hit and run by 82%. "The data is clear," says Max Sebel of Road Safety Australia. "It's just a little friendly acknowledgement from the pedestrian, just to make sure they don't become another statistic." The five-year study tracked over 50,000 pedestrian crossings in major metropolitan areas. "Even if the car has already come to a complete stop, we recommend offering at least a small wave to all drivers as you walk over a crossing," says Max Sebel. "Even just a quick flick of the wrist." "Also, take a long hard look at their license plate, just in case they do end up trying to run you over."
December 29, 2025 at 4:38 AM
doublebaytoday.bsky.social
SELF-IMPOSED EXILE: It was meant to be a relaxing family holiday in Queensland, but it’s quickly turned into a nightmare for one 28 year old Rose Bay man. Dan Haber is staying at a popular Noosa resort with his parents and brother, but it’s already day two of the trip and he’s yet to leave the room. “There’s way too many people I know here,” he told DBT in an exclusive phone interview. “I can see them all at the pool from my window. It’s like Woolworths at Rose Bay down there.” DBT understands Dan Haber’s parents have been trying to coax him out of the hotel room, to no avail. “They’ve been trying to say I need to be more social,” he says. “But honestly, I came here to escape, not to mingle with the same people I actively avoid in Sydney. “So I’m just going to watch the cricket and get room service.”
December 27, 2025 at 7:26 AM
doublebaytoday.bsky.social
BLAME GAME: As a big clean up continues at Coogee Beach today, veteran ABC journalist Laura Tingle has made the controversial assertion that the mess left behind 'had nothing to do with backpackers.' It comes only days after Tingle claimed the terror attack at Bondi 'had nothing to do with religion.' Speaking on ABC Radio today, Tingle acknowledged the thousands of rowdy and alcohol fuelled backpackers descending on Coogee Beach yesterday to celebrate Christmas. But also said: "The mess would have happened regardless." Meantime police and council workers have reportedly been instructed to refrain from using the word “backpackers” in media comments to avoid inflaming the situation.
December 25, 2025 at 9:56 PM
doublebaytoday.bsky.social
MYSTERY SHOPPER: A Sydney father who once again had zero involvement with the selection and purchase of his child's Christmas gift, is this morning waiting with baited breath to find what out they got. "I pretend to know what the gift is," he admitted to DBT. "It adds that little bit of extra excitement to the gift giving process." He says that extra adrenalin is crucial in helping him survive Christmas Day. "I need all the help I can get," he says. "After another difficult year, I have absolutely no energy for this bullshit." At press time Steve Jansen's daughter had just unwrapped her Christmas present. "I love it, thanks dad," she said. "No worries darling," he replied. "I knew you'd like it."
December 24, 2025 at 10:05 PM
doublebaytoday.bsky.social
IT GIRL: A Sydney woman is being accused of hijacking her son's 21st birthday party, by relentlessly posting photos of herself. Dressed in designer clothes, Valerie McDonald-Henry posted 14 photos and a few videos of herself across her social media, compared to only 3 images of her son. "To be honest, she was lucky she was even invited," the son told DBT. "So yeah it was a bit sad that she tried stealing the spotlight." In one image posted to Ms Mcdonald-Henry's Instagram, her son could be seen in the background and completely out of focus. "Happy 21st darling, tonight is all about you," she captioned the photo. DBT contacted Ms Mcdonald-Henry for an interview, but she declined, sending us a short statement instead. "I'm just giving my followers what they want," it said. Meanwhile, she's is already planning her next big event: her son's graduation.
December 23, 2025 at 8:47 AM
doublebaytoday.bsky.social
WHERE'S PENNY? An urgent search is underway for Federal Foreign Minister Penny Wong who has been missing since 15 Australians lost their lives in the Bondi TERROR attack. Ms Wong is being accused by the federal opposition of inaction and absence after not attending any vigils or funerals of the victims. This morning a spokesperson for the Westpac Rescue Helicopter confirmed it has been deployed. “We’ve recovered hikers lost in the Blue Mountains for a week, we’ve rescued sailors drifting halfway to New Zealand, but this is our toughest mission yet." The helicopter circled Bondi and greater Sydney before expanding its search to include Canberra's inner suburbs, wine bars, and the Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade headquarters. Penny Wong has given one phone interview to ABC Radio, but it was from an undisclosed location. “Minister Wong is deeply committed to honouring the victims," says the PM. "She’s just doing it from a secure and secret location. Possibly Adelaide." Cereal manufacturer Kelloggs has also confirmed it'll be putting a plea to help find Penny Wong on the back of its boxes of Corn Flakes.
December 23, 2025 at 1:23 AM
doublebaytoday.bsky.social
HIGH EXPECTATIONS: A Sydney Grammar student is set to begin year 12 for a second time, after falling short of achieving the highest possible ATAR. Mark Morgan-Morrow and his parents had their hearts set on an ATAR of 99.95. But on Thursday they found out he only got 99.90. "We're not angry, just disappointed," his father told DBT. "The result is embarrassing and may actually harm the family brand." Mark Morgan-Morrow's acceptance into Medicine at USYD has been declined by his parents, who've already enrolled him into an intensive summer tutoring program. "I was meant to be doing a gap year in Europe next year," the 18 year old told DBT." But I'll do whatever it takes to get 99.95.”
December 23, 2025 at 1:11 AM
doublebaytoday.bsky.social
CONCRETE COWBOY: A former Sydney private school boy has forked out $700 for a pair of R.M Williams after spending one night at a family wedding in the Southern Highlands town of Bowral. "I absolutely loved it down there," says Daniel Mason. "The wedding took place on a farm and it made me feel very connected to the land." The 31 year old stayed the night in a $1200 a night Airbnb on the fringe of the Bowral town centre. "I rarely leave the eastern suburbs, so it was a bit weird at first," he says. "But I want to go back to Bowral soon. I'm thinking about riding a horse next time." For now, he's just wearing his new boots 24/7 around the Sydney metropolitan area. "I used to go to Scots College," he says. "I saw lots of boys with R.M. Williams there. Especially the boarders. I think some of them were from Bowral actually."
December 12, 2025 at 8:46 AM
doublebaytoday.bsky.social
AIR CON: Embattled Labor MP Anika Wells has transformed her office at Parliament House into a comfortable living space for her family of five. "We are beating rising energy costs this summer," she told DBT. “It's so expensive to cool a house in Canberra, so we are spending the next few months here in my air conditioned office instead." Already under fire for her creative interpretation of parliamentary travel entitlements, the Sports Minister says the decision is “completely above board.” "My husband loves it here," she says. "He says the showers in the parliamentary bathroom facilities are so much better than at home." Parliamentary Services staff are expressing concern about the arrangement. "She's using the office mini-fridge to accomodate a week's worth of groceries for five people." said one staffer. "And yesterday she asked maintenance if they could knock through to the adjoining office to create an 'open-plan feel.'"
December 8, 2025 at 11:55 PM
doublebaytoday.bsky.social
EVERYWHERE MAN: He's the musical artist who has recently been strategically inserted into almost every single podcast, event and Instagram story in Australia. There's also been a flurry of memes depicting him as Michael Hutchence from Temu. "That's why we are giving users an option to mute any Keli Holiday related content," says a spokesperson for Meta, the owner of Instagram. "Our AI software can easily identify any photos, videos or text about Holiday, so you don’t have to see any of it if you don’t want to." Social media users are welcoming the option, which became available today. "They should have introduced this weeks ago," says one user. "I hope TikTok and Facebook follow suit." Instagram users looking to use the new mute option can visit: settings > KeliHoliday> mute.
December 3, 2025 at 2:02 AM
doublebaytoday.bsky.social
TIME FOR REFLECTION: The Bondi to Bronte coastal walk in Sydney's east is well-known as a great place to be seen, now the local council is ensuring walkers can also see themselves. "After much community consultation, we're pleased to complete the installation of more than 80 full-length mirrors on the 4 kilometre stretch of picturesque coastline," says Waverley Mayor Rob Draper. The move has left fitness enthusiasts rejoicing. "It's great because I bump into so many people I know on the path," says Bondi to Bronte regular Hannah Tunks-Marello. "Before the mirrors, I used to get really insecure about bad hair days and running makeup, especially on hot days." Bondi resident Tara Riley says she now plans on doing the walk much more often. "I used to be more of a gym girl, but that was just because of the mirrors there," she admits. "Now at Bondi to Bronte I can appreciate my own beauty, as well as the natural beauty of my surroundings." Council says it will soon consider extending the mirror initiative to the coastline between Bronte and Coogee.
November 26, 2025 at 12:06 AM
doublebaytoday.bsky.social
SMOKE AND MIRRORS: The state government has today launched a breakthrough initiative to help combat vaping. "It's a brand-new product called 'cigarettes.'" says a spokesperson for NSW Health. Cigarettes use tobacco, a leafy plant which naturally contains nicotine. "It's a more natural, analogue alternative and it's better for the environment," says the spokesperson. With vaping levels reaching record highs, the state government says now is the time to act, offering a packet of 25 cigarettes for $41. However critics are pointing out the drawbacks of cigarettes. "They only come in two flavours, original and menthol," says one consumer advocate. "Plus you need a lighter to use them. I doubt they'll catch on."
November 20, 2025 at 2:26 AM
doublebaytoday.bsky.social
CLEAN EATING: Iconic Double Bay restaurant Margaret has quietly introduced Ozempic to its menu this week, for people looking for a high-end dining experience, without the burden of actually consuming a meal. "We noticed a growing number of guests booking tables, taking photos of the food, and sending it back untouched,” said one staff member. “So we thought, why not streamline the experience?" The pioneering move comes as eastern suburbs locals increasingly shun food in preparation for the hottest months of the year. “It’s perfect,” said one regular from Bellevue Hill. “I can socialise, pretend I’m having lunch, and still fit into my December wardrobe.”
November 19, 2025 at 3:16 AM
doublebaytoday.bsky.social
STAYCATION: The iconic Watsons Bay Hotel has announced an exclusive Schoolies Week alternative, catering to local parents who feel Surfers Paradise or Byron Bay is too far away and too unsafe. "'Schoolies at Watsons Bay promises all the excitement of the traditional week away, without the risks of budget accommodation, low quality food or rowdy bogan behaviour," says event organiser Olivia Cartright. "And if something does go wrong, it's only a quick Uber ride home." The week-long event, beginning on November 23, will be closed to non-school leavers, as well as anyone who lives outside of the eastern suburbs. "Every night we'll be hosting a silent disco for sensitive ears and parents can rest easy knowing that we'll be enforcing a strict 9.30pm curfew," says Olivia Cartright. Megan Riley-Jones, who finished year 12 at Kambala this year says she can't wait for Schoolies at Watsons Bay, which is only 750 metres from home. "Mum says I will still need to call her every two hours," she told DBT. "But I'm so excited! It'll be my first real taste of freedom."
November 18, 2025 at 6:24 AM
doublebaytoday.bsky.social
HOT PROPERTY: A Sydney real estate agent is being accused of bringing “unnecessary sales tactics” into Facebook Marketplace after listing his 12-year-old Delonghi toaster and insisting he’s already “had strong interest.” “I’ve had multiple offers over $13,” 38-year-old agent Tom Lavelle from Coogee told one potential buyer, “but we’ll let the market decide.” The toaster is described online as “oozing potential" alongside 14 wide-angle photos and a 90-second video with drone footage. “It’s a rare opportunity to secure a premium kitchen appliance,” he added. “Perfect for a first-time buyer or downsizer.” Potential buyers say negotiations have been tense. “When I offered $15, he told me there was a lot of competition and he’d be taking offers until Saturday,” said one frustrated local. “I think he's intentionally underquoting." "It’s a toaster, not a duplex in Randwick,” says another potential buyer. Sources confirm the toaster eventually sold for $17.45 after a heated bidding war which Lavelle described as “a reflection of continued confidence in the market.”
November 15, 2025 at 2:58 AM
doublebaytoday.bsky.social
ALL TALK: Local woman Maggie Phillips was caught off guard today by a chance encounter with old friend Karen Johnson, who exclaimed "OMG, I haven't seen you in ages. I've missed you!" It comes despite Karen Johnson not replying to calls or texts for the better part of a decade. "Her saying that was a bit rich," Maggie Phillips told DBT. "Especially as I texted her only last week to say hi, without any reply." "She hugged me as though she was still my best friend. All while I had flashbacks of the 'read' notifications on my messages." Maggie Phillips says she decided to play it cool in the moment and not mention all her attempts at getting in touch. "We had a bit of small talk and then she even had the audacity to say: 'Let's catch up properly soon.' "With a hint of sarcasm, I replied: 'yeah sounds great.' Then under my breath I said, 'see you never bitch.'"
November 14, 2025 at 6:14 AM
doublebaytoday.bsky.social
DRESSED TO THE NINES: A Sydney man is braving the summer heat, attending a friends BBQ fully kitted out in an off brand Adidas tracksuit and bucket hat. However DBT can reveal that Mark Tamali didn't even go to the Oasis reunion gig at Accor Stadium. "Isn't this look really in style now?" the Balmain man asked his friends who looked visibly disappointed. Sources confirm the 34 year old purchased the controversial ensemble on Temu for just $24 dollars, approximately one-sixth of the price of a single Oasis ticket. "He's clearly just trying to jump on the Oasis bandwagon," said one of his friends who did actually go to the concert last night. Adding insult to irony, Tamili was overheard asking, “Wait, which one’s Liam again?” while queuing for coleslaw.
November 9, 2025 at 5:08 AM
doublebaytoday.bsky.social
CRANBROOK COUTURE: Like their fathers before them, a group of eastern suburbs private school students yesterday marked the end of HSC exams in the only way they know. They made a beeline for The Golden Sheaf hotel in their traditional dress: A white linen shirt and beige chinos. "It's a celebration," one of the students explained, adjusting the collar of his linen shirt, which perfectly matched the attire of at least a dozen other young men in the vicinity. "We've worked hard all year, and now it's time to unwind in style." As the day progressed, the group was seen raising glasses to toast the end of an era, and to the sheer comfort of natural fibers. Fashion experts have weighed in on the phenomenon, dubbing it the "Cranbrook Couture." "The white linen shirt and beige chinos combo is the epitome of effortless prep," says style commentator Sally Stiller. "It's a look that says, 'I'm here to relax, but also, my parents might own the place.'"
November 7, 2025 at 10:43 PM
doublebaytoday.bsky.social
HELLO SAILOR: A Manly woman is being called out for lying to friends about how she got to Double Bay. "My friend Tom is so nice to me, he just dropped me off his boat at the jetty here," claimed Maya Farley as she arrived at Double Bay. "It's so good to have friends with boats," she says. But several witnesses say they saw the 27 year old arrive today on the 3.30pm Sydney Ferry service from Manly, via Circular Quay. DBT has reached out to interview Ms Farley, but she's yet to respond. Her instagram shows a photo of herself on Sydney Harbour. But the images are cropped tight to make it look like she wasn't on a ferry. The instagram post was captioned #YachtLife.
November 6, 2025 at 5:45 AM
doublebaytoday.bsky.social
HARD YARDS: A Bondi man says he's looking forward to his second date with a local yoga instructor after enduring a gruelling two-hour conversation about mindfulness at Common Supply café on Campbell Parade. “I didn’t even know it was possible to discuss breath work for that long,” said 33-year-old Tom Henderson, still visibly shaken but proud. “I just kept nodding and saying ‘yeah totally’ every few minutes. It seemed to work.” The yoga instructor, Skye Skase, told DBT she was impressed by Tom’s ability to “stay grounded and present.” "I'm holding space for that kind of authentic masculine energy. I could tell he was struggling internally but his aura stayed strong, and that’s rare in men from Bondi.” Tom now faces what he's calling “the real test”: a 90-minute yin yoga class followed by a silent beach walk. “I’m not sure I’ll survive another round,” he admitted. “But she said it’s all about surrendering the ego, which I think means I’m paying again.”
November 5, 2025 at 6:46 AM
doublebaytoday.bsky.social
90's CHIC: A Coogee man has been out shopping today, humming Don’t Look Back in Anger to himself, as he put the finishing touches on his outfit for the Oasis concert in Sydney on Friday night. "I just bought this bucket hat from my local chemist," Darren Whitfield-Hayes told DBT. "But I've has this tracksuit since 1998. I wore it when Liam spat on a security guard at the Leeds Festival." The 52 year old fled Manchester for Australia when he was 27. "He reckons his Oasis concert look is timeless," says one of his friends. “Which is the same thing he said about his marriage and his hairline.” Local fashion experts are describing the outfit as “heritage dadcore” and “a cry for help in polyester form.”
November 5, 2025 at 12:22 AM
doublebaytoday.bsky.social
WORLDS COLLIDE: An eastern suburbs man is ruffling feathers in the inner west tonight, after going to a Halloween party dressed as a Newtown resident. Typically James Mathers-Reid hangs out at the Golden Sheaf, wearing white linen shirts with chinos with R.M Williams. But tonight the former Cranbrook student wore fake tattoos and piercings, coloured hair and an all black ensemble with his t-shirt tucked in. The costume was well received by people at the party which was held in Rose Bay. But the controversy began when photos were posted online. "This costume is a serious case of cultural appropriation," one Newtown man told DBT. "It's reduced our entire community to a cliche." "Newtown is not a costume, it's a way of life." The incident sparked discussions about the complexities of respecting other people's identity, and how suburbs only a few kilometres apart can have such different cultures. James Mathers-Reid was unavailable for comment. But he released a statement: "I'm sorry to anyone I may have offended," he wrote. "The truth is I've never even been west of Edgecliff."
October 31, 2025 at 5:51 AM
doublebaytoday.bsky.social
FRIGHT NIGHT: Guests at a Halloween party in Rose Bay were left stunned this afternoon after one partygoer declared she was not wearing any kind of costume. Chantelle Blake-Riley arrived at the party in a simple black singlet and jeans, but her shiny, motionless face and rapid recent weight loss led guests to initially believe she was dressed as a zombie or a ghost. "Best case scenario I thought she was dressed up as a 'Real Housewives' character or a wax museum exhibit," said one guest. When asked how she achieved her look, Chantelle Blake-Riley simply said: “Consistency.” Sources have revealed to DBT she maintains her look with 48 units of Botox and 1.5mg of Ozempic per week. Even though she wasn't in fancy dress, the 41 year old was awarded best costume, however her reaction was completely emotionless.
October 31, 2025 at 2:07 AM
doublebaytoday.bsky.social
MENTAL ROADBLOCK: A Dover Heights man attempting to run the 80km Bondi to Manly ultra- marathon has only completed 16kms of the course after stopping short in Elizabeth Bay. “I knew the run would be tough,” Lachie Morton-Smith told DBT. “And I felt fine running through Bondi, Dover Heights, Vaucluse, Watsons Bay, Rose Bay, Double Bay and Edgecliff, but once I hit Elizabeth Bay I moved out of my comfort zone." The 32-year-old accountant says he still had loads of energy, but felt uneasy about leaving the familiar confines of the eastern suburbs. “He kept telling other runners that he feels uncomfortable about crossing the Harbour Bridge," said one passer-by. Morton-Smith quickly hailed a cab on Macleay Street and went to Dover Heights where he is now recovering at his home sauna. “I might try again next year,” he said. “But I’ll probably just go from Bondi to Rose Bay or something more achievable.”
October 25, 2025 at 1:36 AM