I thought Charles Dickins was a woman.

Someone should tell that bloke in Strictly…

I tried to format it to print a few copies but the technology was beyond me ten years ago! The whole Kids Guide book is on my old Wordpress blog though - kitnick.wordpress.com When I read it now the story seems optimistic!

I’ve bought mine several times by accident…

It’s definitely difficult to imagine his orgasm expression.

Pay them the average wage of the country which will give them an incentive to improve pay. Let them pay for their own travel which will give them an incentive to improve public transport. No expenses. No second homes. No second jobs. No freebies. No lobbying. They can live in MP's hostel in London.

… even then he’d come back with gingerbread men.

I would give him the Nobel Pissoff Prize but I’ve heard somewhere that he quite likes getting pissed on.

A glass five sixths full comedian. Five sixths full of fermented donkey piss and liquidized ferret eyeballs.

I’ve been soooo bored by AI ever since Babbage invented The Indifference Machine.

If Zelenskyy just makes it home alive I’ll be relieved. An orange curtain has descended across the ocean of decency.

I have in my hand a crumpled Post It note.

Time to recreate the triple life sized statue of golden Trump from his Gaza video using only the shit from mine own arse in the middle of his golf course. If he's lucky I might crap out some of those golden penny chew wrappers I swallowed when I was drunk at Christmas.

Just found out my the walnuts I eat everyday are made in the USA. Shell shocked.

You can stick your giant rocket up your arse (Elon Musk)

You can stick your giant rocket up your arse (Elon Musk)

You can stick your giant rocket, stick your giant rocket, stick your giant rocket up your arse (Elon Musk)

And then fly all the way to Mars.

Why don’t you trim some meat off your food budget first, Dave.

For fucks sake, please write and make some new stories. How hard can it be?

Shocking. I’ve just found out that we warm the teapot before making tea not, as I was taught to stop the tea absorbing the chill of the pot, but instead its to expel the malevolent ghosts that sneak inside the teapot when you turn your back in an attempt to take over your body with every sip of tea.

If you liked the latest Bond movie you might also like this fifty five hour documentary focusing on the Pygmy people of Umbuchachia.